Do You See What You’ve Done, Lance Armstrong? It’s Not All About You.

Well, thanks Lance Armstrong and Te’o Guy Who I Never Heard of Before this Week.  You guys just totally ruined my chances of ever being published.

First of all, Armstrong completely derailed my own plans to take steroids (they boost your writing skills, too, right?) for the next decade, enabling me to become the best writer ever, and end up confessing my sins to Oprah.

Then, Te’o Guy Who I Never Heard of Before this Week had to fall in love with a non-existent girlfriend who tragically died.  Except she didn’t.  Because she wasn’t alive in the first place.  (I’m still trying to find out how exactly he discovered she was dead.  I mean, did she tweet “I have died from leukemia”, or post it on her Facebook status, or what?)

Taken right from the first chapter of my current novel under construction.  I swear.

And then that lottery winner inconsiderately died of cyanide poisoning, which completely discourages me from trying to make my millions that way.

To top it all off, someone apparently stole my  idea for a new invention – the iPotty.  And I’m pretty sure they stole it from my very own brain, because I never actually voiced it or put it on paper.  So, that means that they obviously have another invention which Steals Invention Ideas from the Brains of People Who Don’t Know What the Heck to Do With Them.

So, now I am not merely crestfallen due to all of these recent events, but I’m slightly concerned that someone is stalking my brain for invention ideas and everyone is going to make millions from them except me.  The stalking my brain does not disturb me.  It is the everyone making millions from my ideas except me part which is highly depressing.

Plus, I feel a little deprived that I did not have my own iPotty when I was learning to defecate somewhere other than in my drawers.  And my child did not have one, either.  And even if I had another child now, he or she could not have one.  Because we wouldn’t be able to afford it.  Because we have no money.  BECAUSE LANCE ARMSTRONG CONFESSED TO OPRAH THAT HE HAS BEEN USING STEROIDS.

I hope you’re satisfied, Lance Armstrong.  If you would like to begin to compensate me for my suffering, you could start by introducing me to Oprah.  Or Jon Stewart.

photo credit: cosmocatalano via photopin cc

photo credit: cosmocatalano via photopin cc


Posted on January 19, 2013, in Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 40 Comments.

  1. These darn people taking all of our ideas and stuff. They just ruin if for everyone.

  2. iPotty link didn’t work. And I am dying of curiosity!

  3. I FEEL YOUR PAIN! Lance ruined my week as well. Although I’d be lying if I said wasn’t still insanely attracted to him in spite of the treachery and deceit. That man ages like a fine wine!

  4. I’m boycotting bike riding because of this scandal. And just as I was about to start riding again after a 30 year break. Are you satisfied, Lance Buzzkill??! Ugh.

  5. Wait – does this mean we’re over whatever the last scandal was?
    And how long will this one last?
    Has anyone prepared for the next one yet?

    Let’s go people! WIM2S is on a schedule here!!!

  6. 😀 😀 So sorry to laugh when I know you are going through untold hell, having had such fabulous ideas maliciously stolen out of your brain but, truly, you are hilarious.

  7. as far as I can see there is nothing, absolutely nothing that Lance Armstrong can ever say or do to redeem himself. He is the pits.
    I was never a fan of this sport or the man but he has let his country down very badly…all the world knows that he is the biggest cheat .

    You just carry on being yourself, we all love you just as you are..without even being on Oprah

  8. This is comedy GOLD! I, too, am rather upset with Armstrong’s events lately, but I think the way you said it made it a little less upsetting! I mean, who doesn’t want to demand for a retired talk-show-hostess to come to your house and ask you questions about what every news station has been saying for the past few months? Haha!

    • Oh gosh. I don’t want her to come to my house. That would be awful!!! My bulldog, Wonderbutt, would eat her alive. We would have to meet in a hotel room. Or maybe she could fly me to her house…

  9. If he ends up introducing you to Oprah, please tell her about me. I keep talking to her on twitter and she ignores me.
    But I don’t think you need to take anything to change, whatever you are taking now works like magic lol

  10. I love your posts. They crack me up! Keep ’em coming.

  11. i LOVE the dial a denial. THAT is genius. i would not pay the current price of a postage stamp to listen to lance armstrong confirm or deny his steroid use. he’s beginning to remind me of the death of ronald reagan because this ordeal is lasting for freaking ever. and – i’m sorrry someone is stealing your ideas directly from your own brain. that sucks. try to have ideas that somehow surpass your brain and just are invented from your hands? as far as i know, that’s never ever worked, but you might be the first one to do it?

  12. What’s wrong with them? Didn’t either of them stop and think, “Hey, this could somehow jeopardize a writer out there who is just about to think about making it big?” Men can be so thoughtless.
    (Love the “Dial a Denial,” too.)

  13. If we all win the lottery but you, you could become famous for being the only person who is not rich?!

  14. Oprah needs to interview you and Wonderbutt! I bet WB would have some great stuff to unveil during that chat, like why he has a preference for couch foam and Dimple’s belongings.
    I’d take Cobalt but I know he’d just lie about chewing up the neighbors ottoman last week while he’s sitting on top of the the shredded bit of furniture…

  15. Saturday night at Taco Cabana, Jason and I explained to Lance who Lance Armstrong was because he saw a blurb about it. Then we had to reassure him that we did NOT name him after L.A. …

  16. LOL… I’d respond but I am dying of laughing and so are the collies!!!!

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