Happy Valentine’s Day, You Wrinkled, Pimply Old Lady. Eat Some Glue.
Posted by whatimeant2say
So, you probably thought my most recent post was the last time you would have to hear about fortune cookies. And now that you’ve read the first sentence of this post, you are rightly assuming that you were wrong. I know, being right about being wrong is not very encouraging.
I got another fortune cookie today.
Here in the States, we are celebrating another Hallmark Holiday – Valentine’s Day. When I arrived at school this morning, I checked my mailbox in the faculty lounge, and found a cute little gift box filled with candy. And a fortune cookie.
As soon as I got to my classroom, I quickly tore open the cookie, eagerly anticipating the antidote to the threatening golf fortune I got from Goldfinger last week.
This is what it said:
“Well, that’s great!” I thought. “Some day, I’m going to be a partner in a law firm!” (This clearly proves what an optimist I am, as a pessimist – or a realist, since I’m 44 years old, and have never gone to law school – might think, “Some day, I am going to be framed for killing someone who writes provocatively puzzling fortune cookie prognostications, and I will need to hire a law firm.)
But then I found the business card in the box.
So, basically, even if I Live to Die Another Day, I’m pretty sure I’m being told that I will need to get my face dermabraised so I will be fit to be seen in public. (At least I don’t have diamonds embedded in my face like Zao.)
Forget gun control. I want fortune cookie control. You wielders of fortunes have turned the perfectly harmless sport of hunting for the secret to my future into an automated industry churning out emotionally charged weapons disguised as fortune cookies.
But I’m not entirely ungrateful. Ever the optimist, I found, along with my fortune cookies, some extremely delectable pieces of chocolate. And a very tasty looking packet of Micro Dermabrasion Paste.