Happy Valentine’s Day, You Wrinkled, Pimply Old Lady. Eat Some Glue.

So, you probably thought my most recent post was the last time you would have to hear about fortune cookies.  And now that you’ve read the first sentence of this post, you are rightly assuming that you were wrong.  I know, being right about being wrong is not very encouraging.

I got another fortune cookie today.

Here in the States, we are celebrating another Hallmark Holiday – Valentine’s Day.  When I arrived at school this morning, I checked my mailbox in the faculty lounge, and found a cute little gift box filled with candy.  And a fortune cookie.

As soon as I got to my classroom, I quickly tore open the cookie, eagerly anticipating the antidote to the threatening golf fortune I got from Goldfinger last week.

This is what it said:

photo-3 copy

“Well, that’s great!” I thought.  “Some day, I’m going to be a partner in a law firm!” (This clearly proves what an optimist I am, as a pessimist – or a realist, since I’m 44 years old, and have never gone to law school – might think, “Some day, I am going to be framed for killing someone who writes provocatively puzzling fortune cookie prognostications, and I will need to hire a law firm.)

But then I found the business card in the box.

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So, basically, even if I Live to Die Another Day, I’m pretty sure I’m being told that I will need to get my face dermabraised so I will be fit to be seen in public.   (At least I don’t have diamonds embedded in my face like Zao.)

Forget gun control.  I want fortune cookie control.  You wielders of fortunes have turned the perfectly harmless sport of hunting for the secret to my future into an automated industry churning out emotionally charged weapons disguised as fortune cookies.

But I’m not entirely ungrateful.  Ever the optimist, I found, along with my fortune cookies, some extremely delectable pieces of chocolate.  And a very tasty looking packet of Micro Dermabrasion Paste.

Yum, yum.

Yum, yum.


Posted on February 14, 2013, in Aging, Humor, Phobia and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. What does Micro Dermabrasion paste taste like? Chocolate?

  2. If wordpress had an audio/video comment widget, you’d have a recorded collection of unedited and never before heard laughs..a cacophony (new word in my students vocabulary) indeed! Love it! Well I don’t know if you are wrinkled or pimply, old you are not! The important thing here is that you enjoyed a chocolatey Valentine’s Day…read you soon, Alexandra

  3. I got a fortune from a fortune cookie that I still don’t know what it said, because I ate it along with the cookie. Not my most shining moment, I know.

  4. If you don’t like your fortune I’m sure Wonderbutt will eat it for you. He’ll probably eat the Micro-Dermabrasian Paste too.

  5. That’s cookie abuse, plain and simple.

  6. Sure, the dermabrasion paste is tasty.
    But you’re going to want another one in an hour.

  7. They probably gave you the chocolates in the hopes you would break out in pimples and go to see them 😀 I think you need to ban yourself from fortune cookies. These are hilarious, making for great posts but I’m not sure about their effect on your life. Oh well, enjoy the chocolates 😀

  8. Maybe someone just got confused between Valentine’s Day and National Brutal Honesty Day? Or National Skin Care Day? There are just too many of those days to keep track of anyway… But I agree, fortune cookies seem to be bad news for you. Stick with chocolate!

  9. These fortune cookies are out of control! Mine asked me a question the other day and I found one on the floor in the hallway outside my dorm room! Just the fortune, not the whole cookie which was unfortunate.

  10. Okay, that’s just wrong. Talk about an effective way to guarantee that I’d never, EVER use their products. You don’t mess with fortune cookies like that.

    On the up side, there’s probably some sort of horrible fortune-cookie-karma poised to strike the person who thought of that “promo”. May the wrinkles of a thousand elephants descend upon their faces…

  11. You are hilarious!

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