I Guess I Should Depend on More Than the Daily Show to Keep Me Informed

Dear Man Who Rescued Me from My Solitude While I Waited for My Daughter to Finish Swim Practice, Foolishly Thinking I Could Spend My Time Writing:

I was so overcome during our conversation the other day that I could not find the words to properly thank you. So, here it is.

First of all, thank you so much for offering me your used earbuds so I could listen to your daughter’s video on your phone.  Your generosity apparently knows no bounds.

Secondly, thank you for educating me about gun control. Now that I know that the government is out to get us, I am going to save up some money for an AK-87 (the bigger the number, the better, right? but I thought an AK-97 would be too greedy) so I can defend myself. Because when the government finds a way to persuade the military men and women who have sworn to protect our country to start dropping bombs on my house, I want to be ready.

Once I was edified about my need for an arsenal in every room of the house, your insights into the welfare system and health care illuminated how completely selfish it is for my friend to ask for assistance for his son, born prematurely, who maxed out his health insurance life-time benefits before he turned one.  I can’t wait to inform him that his money-grubbing ways are, in a large part, responsible for our titanic national debt.

I only wish you had been around to admonish me before I made my foolish choices in the last two presidential elections.  Of course, you would have had to find some kind of loophole in the 22nd Amendment in order to keep the man who, “at least you knew where you stood with him” in office.  I say just blast a hole in that pesky little alteration to the Constitution with your assault rifle “that isn’t any more dangerous than a revolver”.  That’ll knock some sense into people.

I’m probably leaving out something important, but I think you can get the gist of my gratitude.  It’s not every day that someone takes as much time as you do to rectify all of my clearly preposterous beliefs and assumptions.

I’m only sorry that you did not get the chance to enlighten me on abortion and gay marriage.

Maybe next time…


Mrs. Cap’n Firepants



Posted on February 19, 2013, in Annoyances, Humor, Politics, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. Excellent post. You Nailed It! I am constantly amazed at the number of people so willing to show me the errors of my ways, how if only I would follow them to the land of people with huge arsenals, aluminum foil hats, and pea brains, what a better world we would all live in.

  2. this is hysterical in its lunacy. which means – you are brilliant? yes. that’s what it means. i’m frankly shocked that he left out gay marriage and abortion. he could’ve probably shot a hole right through women’s rights and the sins of abortion with the same bullet. oh, and BTW – now i am frightened it might have been you at petco and i sincerely apologize for my four children (plus three of my neighbors’ kids) who mauled you and w.b. (or his imposter).

  3. Crazy a$% people!!! I think the offering of used earbuds was the least offensive thing he did/said that night. Next time start coughing so hard gasping for breath and whisper something about getting that flu going around.

  4. Oh, for the ability to vomit on command. Maybe it would’ve stopped him if you’d hurled on his shoes. Or his shirt. Sounds like it was definitely a hurl-worthy “conversation”.

  5. I know your tongue was firmly in your cheek when you wrote this BUT… We are watching the firearms debate in the US with some incredulity down here. Here’s a fun fact – when I googled ‘murders with firearms’, the US is ranked #4 (behind South Africa, Colombia and Thailand). Australia is at #25. Little, wee NZ, where the POLICE don’t even wear guns (!!!), is at #42 (out of a possible 46). As a Kiwi, you can imagine how the gun statistics in the States horrify me…

  6. UGH! I work around people like that. BOO!!!

  7. what strange people you do meet whilst waiting for Dimples

  8. Bout time you learned.

  9. The only unfunny part of the post is that the guy has kids.
    But next time, you should tell him that the only reason you didn’t have your Desert Eagle with laser range finder, enlarged clip and supressor with you was because you were having it retro fitted with a humidity guard for the pool environment.
    (And getting SpongeBob stickers expertly instslled on the grip.)

  10. I. LOVE. YOU. Just the laugh I need. And the joy of finding a kindred spirit. You, that is. Not a$%hat.

    • Unfortunately, here in Texas, a$%hat has plenty of his own kindred spirits. You and I are definitely a rare species in this neck of the woods. Hopefully they won’t start including a hunting season for us on the calendar.

  11. It’s bad enough when the blather comes from strangers, but I’ve been blasted with emails from some “newly enlightened” friends who can’t wait to spread their enlightenment.
    When ambushed, as you were, I always think of the appropriate response after I get in the car to go home, never at the time. Sigh…

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