Guns May Not Kill People, but Scissors and Sidewalks are Out of Control
I pretty much have the same two main goals every day: don’t embarrass myself, and try to keep breathing.
You might think that, since I’m not suffering from a fatal illness (that I know of – but I still have thousands of internet diagnoses to comb through), that the latter one would not be that hard.
But I have three strikes against me – my depression, my forgetfulness, and my clumsiness.
I usually get up every morning, and my first thought is, “On a scale of 1-10, how much do I NOT want to be alive today?” If it’s over a 5 for more than a couple of days, I call the doctor. Usually, though,it hovers around a 3, in which case I resolve to make a concentrated effort for the next 24 hours not to kill myself. On “Three” Days, it’s easy to avoid killing myself on purpose, but an accidental death is always a distinct possibility.
Last week, for example, I was walking out the back door of our school one morning, on my way to my portable classroom. For absolutely no reason at all, other than a little mist in the air, I suddenly skied down the handicap ramp, did about a 5 minute dance that included a twirl and the splits, and fell. (It was truly a John- Travolta-Stayin’ Alive-Performance.) Hard. On my knee.
All in all, the experience was somewhat of a success. As you can tell, I did not kill myself. I didn’t even break any bones or, more importantly, the iPad that was in my purse. In addition, it was so early in the morning that only one person witnessed this amazing feat – and she was a substitute. (Notice that I am not including the school security cameras as a witness because I am holding out the hope that people have better things to do than to watch them every minute.)
For the next 4 days, I wore pants so my husband would not see my gravel-encrusted knee. He already knows I’m a klutz, but I keep thinking if he goes more than a couple of months without being directly reminded of this, he might replace my “Klutz” label with that of “Stunningly Efficient Wife.”
No matter. On the 4th day following my stunning performance, my husband was holding our golden retriever while I was kneeling (on my traitorous left knee) behind her, trying not to cry out in pain. My intention was to cut off a particularly nasty mat of hair conveniently located on her rear end. As I pushed the tip of the scissors through the mat, trying to find the other side so I would not slice off her skin, I managed to plunge the blade deep into one of my fingers.
Bloody, but not exactly deadly. Yay me. I missed stabbing myself in the jugular.
Since I’d already reverted to the “O Days Without an Incident” billboard in my husband’s eyes, I went ahead and confessed to my knee injury while I was at it.
It’s going to be pretty ironic if I conquer this whole depression thing, and I end up killing myself anyway…
Posted on February 23, 2013, in Death, Depression, Humor and tagged death, depression, health, humor, I think my computer is plotting to kill me. Bookmark the permalink. 43 Comments.
whatimeant2say 
I fear my daughter may be on your same path. She falls and bloodies up her hands and knees through gloves and pants, and just last week she managed to skewer herself while making a fruit kabob at Scouts. Eerily similar. Except for the dog’s rear-end part.
Well, I do hope you manage to conquer and stay alive. I would miss your posts.
Do you have a relative to blame these clumsy genes on? That always helps. I would like to tell you that she will grow out of it, but I’m afraid my own experience kind of proves that wrong.
Clumsy is my middle name. Or rather should be. Seems unfortunately that Bubba has inherited that fun trait too!
I used to think that I was only clumsy when my husband was around; then I realized that I’m only AWARE of being clumsy when he’s around. It’s actually far worse when I’m alone.
Kinda makes me glad I’m single. Bubba, Bella and Beary think it’s a bonus if I end up on the floor more than I plan to!
Bella (the poodle) gets large ‘clumps’ in her ears. We have a very effective wire brush. I say this because while it may not prevent a minor injury (it is wire, after all); it will mean you don’t stab yourself with the pointy end of the scissors.
I for one hope you DO conquer the depression thing BUT stay very much alive. I would miss you dreadfully, and we have never met. I can only imagine how the Cap’n Firepants household would cope…
I must get this magical wire brush. Mrs. P.I.B. also gets clumpy ears, and tummy clumps and legpit clumps, and pretty much everywhere she has fur.
That does not sound fun at all, not that you were meaning for it to. I’ve been on bed rest for the past 3 days so I haven’t had much of an opportunity to mess up like that. I do burn myself and hit my head and various other body parts on things at work though. I think my job is trying to kill me. I think both our jobs are trying to kill us in some way. We should stop this working thing and figure out a way to get free money.
tell me when u find that free money solution 🙂
If I could make my living as a writer, there would be a lot fewer opportunities for me to accidentally kill myself. But then I would have nothing to write about, I guess.
Double ouch! I hope you do conquer the depression. I know about 3-6 days on the scale. And, here’s to quick mends for knee and hand. I need you to hang around a while, for your family, of course, but also, selfishly, I love your blog and your mind.
I am working on that pesky depression thing. Writing this blog, and feedback from people like you, definitely helps!
Wrap yourself in bubble-wrap…daily. Oh, and wear a helmet to work just to be exta safe.
Does the bubble wrap work if all of the bubbles have been popped? Between Wonderbutt and Dimples, I can’t seem to keep the bubbles in the wrap.
You are very good at black humor.
It saves me the trouble of crying.
i get hurt in ways i didnt even think were possible until they happened, as for forgetting things as soon as i wake up i start trying to remeber something i’m sure i forgot, as the saying goes, just keep at it…”I wonder thats a real saying?”
I remember I once heard about a lady who got crushed by a bunch of boxes that slid out of a truck, and I thought, “Please don’t let that be the way I die.” I don’t know, though. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go that way.
oh, i’m so sorry. but, you know falling brings out the absolute worse in me. this post so reminds me of the poor, poor souls that survive airplane crashes like over shark infested waters and then are safely home when they choke to death on a piece of popcorn or something similarly ridiculous. please stay safe and alive. (dull scissors are the most dangerous kind, by the way – in case you didn’t know. hubby and i always say if there is an intruder we will reach for a dull knife with which to kill him.)
I did not know that about dull scissors. I assume you are talking about not-very-sharp ones. Because if I have to look for dumb or boring scissors, that might be a difficult task.
I chopped off a large chunk of my finger that will haunt me for weeks to come, so I feel your pain.
Someone offered me bubble wrap to roll myself in.
Should I double the order and send you some?
Yes, but you will have to send it to my Post Office Box (where I get my Playgirl magazine) so Wonderbutt and Dimples can’t get to it and destroy all of the bubbles.
sorry about your knee and sorry about your finger!
What does worry me though is your negative attitiude on waking up in the morning…why do you not just jump out of bed and be glad and happy that ‘here is another day’. You have so much to be grateful for..Your Hubbie, WB, Mrs PIB, and mostly Dimples. Surely that is enough to brighten up your day…If not..I could come and sing to you…that is a fate worse than death!!!
Yes, it would seem that I should be a bit more joyful when I get up with all of the blessings that I have. I tried to tell that to my brain, but it refuses to change its habit.
I think it was brilliant to come clean about both injuries at once. You should only confess to every other clumsy incident. Then your husband will begin to think you’re only half as clumsy as he originally thought…. Ouch. I think I hurt myself doing something so close to math so early in the morning.
I like that math! Even better, I might start confessing every fourth incident. As long as there are no visible injuries and I haven’t amputated or decapitated anything, that should work, right?
LOL! Too true – “the same two main goals every day: don’t embarrass myself, and try to keep breathing.”
I’ve given up on not embarrassing myself, so I find my life goals are now considerably simplified. So far I’ve achieved 100% success in “keep breathing”. 🙂
I wish I could give up on not embarrassing myself, too. I am less effected by it than I used to be, but that’s not really saying much.
This may just be the best blog post title ever. Hang in there and keep breathing!
Thank you! Amazingly, I’ve had no clumsy incidents since I posted this. I might have to mark this date on my calendar.
Ouch! Sounds like you’ve had quite the week! I’m right there with you on the clumsy thing. Much as I love to cook, no one in their right mind should trust me with a knife – and yet J lets me put my life in my hands daily. It must be a sign of true love that those guys never let us live down our “klutz” label…
Cap’n Firepants always monitors my knife use very closely. Of course, if I did slice off a finger, he wouldn’t be much help. He practically faints at the sight of blood 🙂
That’s too funny! I guess that’s why he makes sure you stay out of trouble – as much for his sake as yours. 🙂
Have you ever fallen UP the stairs? I think that sets the truly exceptional klutz apart from the ordinary klutz. And yes, I have done that myself (falling up the stairs).
Funny you should mention that. Yep, I have fallen up the stairs. In high school, I managed that trick, and smacked the top of my mouth so hard I rained blood everywhere. Amazingly, no teeth were knocked out. But I had to live with that reputation for the next three years.
This morning another teacher fell outside my classroom. I thought she had hit her head when she landed, thus concussion. However, she seemed just to have hurt her knee and I had to sign papers saying I witnessed it. She said she tripped on a brick.
I never fill out the paperwork for those. They’d be sending me to the clinic on a weekly basis for the Workman’s Comp. I don’t know who has to pay for all that, but our district is in enough debt.
Maybe not so much Stayin’ Alive but perhaps Pulp Fiction when he and Uma are dancing at the club. Much classier…like you. 🙂
Have I mentioned before how much I love that movie? Yeah, I’ll go with that metaphor over the Stayin’ Alive one!
OH, my gosh, your headline cought my eye and I had to read. My daughter fell smack on her knees off of her snowboard the other day – and she’s still limping around. Not fun. BUT…you saved the situation by making us smile as we read about it! 🙂 Thanks for your sacrifice.
We have good news for you… it is our personal experience that ppl who have many self inflicted accidental wounds live long lives!!! The bad news? You have to live the long life surrounded by.. well you know… LOL
God Bless You!
the collies and chuck 🙂
I ran across your post while attempting to find death-by-scissors statistics and it’s just the relief I needed! I laughed so hard I cried and my husband stared at me like I’m crazy (so then he had to endure me reading the whole thing out loud trying to make it through “0 days without incident” without losing it…) He did laugh too. Thanks for your honesty and humor.
Thank you for your comment! You made my day!