If You Insist on Being Supermom You Better Take A Lot of Pictures

I often wake up in the middle of the night, panicked that I still have a googlemillion things left to teach my daughter, and only 8 more years until she goes to college where everything I have taught her will be turned into a Bucket List of Things I Should Do to Freak Out my Mom.  For example, I keep forgetting to tell her to, “always check for toilet paper before you pull your pants down.”  Of course, I know this is important, and I am 44 years old – and I still forget to check.

In fact, I think I’ve had to ask my own daughter if she can “spare a square” a couple of times.

So, this not only means that I need to teach her a googlemillion things, but I need to repeat each thing a googlemillion times so it will finally sink in and she will make it to 44 years old without ever having found herself in a bathroom stall at Dairy Queen begging for toilet paper from her daughter.

My ineptitude as a mother reveals itself daily, but even I was horrified by my own failings a couple of nights ago when reading to 10-year-old Dimples from The Fire Chronicle before she went to bed.

“The universe is a mass of constantly expanding energy, and one day it will collapse upon itself.  Like a cake left too long in the oven.”

Why would you put a cake in the oven?” she derisively interrupted.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked.  Then I thought, maybe she means after it’s already frosted and ready to eat.  “Not after it’s made.  You know, when you’re baking it.”

Blank look.

Oh. My. God.  My 10-year-old child does not know that cakes are made by baking them in the oven. *

I started hyperventilating.

“Where did you think cakes came from?” I managed to splurt out.

She shrugged.

I think I blacked out.

Later that evening, as I surfed the net in search for some excerpts from Mommy Dearest to make myself feel better, I realized that I actually have made cakes with her before.  It’s been awhile, but we did it together for a couple of her birthdays.

Okay.  They were 5 and 6 years ago.  But still.

This led me to the conclusion that it is a complete waste of time to try to be a good mother to your child before the age of 6.  They remember none of it, show absolutely no gratitude, and by the time they develop any kind of memory retention, you will be too burned out to continue in the vein in which you started.

A better plan is to keep a notebook of important advice, which you can bestow upon them the first day they realize you have taught them absolutely nothing.

Here’s a list to get you started:

#1.  Always check for toilet paper before you pull down your pants.  Because one day your momma won’t be there to bring you some more.

Deuce.  Cakes do not grow on trees.

III.  When backing out of a Kroger’s parking spot, do not keep looking behind you, or your front end will dent your neighbor’s car, and you will then be faced with the dilemma of either leaving a note or driving away in shame and having that guilt on your conscience for the rest of your life.

This is just a suggested list.  You can write whatever you want.  But you might have to pay the price if you don’t include number III.  Insurance for teenagers is expensive.  I’m just sayin’.

We made this cake for her 5th birthday.  And decorated it.  Yes.  I know it's amazing.

We made this cake for her 5th birthday. And decorated it. Yes. I know it’s amazing.

Technically not a cake, but I have to prove that I'm not a complete dud in the kitchen.

Technically not a cake, but I have to prove that I’m not a complete dud in the kitchen.

 

 

You would have thought she would have remembered this one, since I CRIED WHILE TRYING TO MAKE THE DARN PYRAMID!

You would have thought she would have remembered this one, since I CRIED WHILE TRYING TO MAKE THE DARN PYRAMID THAT SHE INSISTED I CREATE BY HAND.  But I’m not bitter.

 

 

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Posted on February 25, 2013, in Children, Dimples, Family, Humor, Memory Loss, Parenting and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 39 Comments.

  1. That pyramid is a MASTERPIECE. Dimples is lucky to have you for a Mum.

    I have a 17 year old step son. He is the most linear thinker I have ever met and will only ever take the shortest route to ANYTHING. Last week I suggested his sheets could probably walk themselves to the washing machine, it had been SO long since they were near detergent… He has less than zero interest in anything either of his parents or his step-parents wish to teach him. What would we know anyway?

    PS – I’m not bitter @#$%&*(&^$

    • Being a step-parent is one of the most thankless tasks in the universe, until u step back and just appreciate the step child’s position. He hasn’t asked for any parenting from u, just has accepted that his mum or dad needs another partner. Once u step back from the situation and realize this, all the good stuff starts to happen 🙂

      • Hey Meg – Thanks for your comment! There is certainly some truth to what you say (and perhaps I responded a tad more assertively than I meant to…)

        I have not yet met one step-parent who doesn’t find the role a challenging one.

        My step-teen is a good kid. He’s just happens to be 17! This, too, shall pass. 🙂

        • And thank you for seeing where I was coming from, I have been to the very depths of despair over these and many other issues, having 5 stepchildren now and in the past having had a different 4. I have been a step parent since my own parenting days began!
          Thankless” YES! The biggest problems I face are with the “other” parents most of the time. It really helps if we are all on the same page, and if not, then you have to provide the balance that hopefully pushes them towards a good outcome. You never really know until they grow up and leave home, which makes it even harder!
          Good luck to you and yours!!

    • From what I hear, this is most teenagers. But I can’t wait to experience it firsthand 😦

  2. The cakes are awesome! Thank goodness you took those pics as evidence for later when she accuses you of the bazillion things you do to purposely ruin her life. (My oldest will be thirteen in a few months. Wear a black arm band in my honor, will ya?)

  3. What makes you think she’s going to go to college? (Okay that was bad of me. You have enough to keep you up at night.)

  4. Glad you have the pictures to prove it!

  5. Oh, the pyramid birthday- I remember that!! That cake turned out amazing. I am so with you on all parenting before the age of 6 is worthless. but now that Lance is past six, I feel like anything I am doing could possibly be a traumatizing memory for him later on down the road. So, first 6 years a breeze, the next 12 are stressful cramming in all knowledge to teach them and not screwing them up. You are doing a fine job- she just had a brain fart on where do cakes come from.

  6. Oh gosh. I love your masterpieces.

  7. okay. you have some mad kitchen skills. the cupcake dogs? and did you show her these photos to REFRESH HER MEMORY. i just had to tell boy child the toilet paper thing (because he goes #2 in everyone else’s toilets – yes, that’s gross and also in violation of one of the other things i’ve taught him – never go #2 in anyone’s toilet buy your own) after he went at someone’s house and they were completely OUT OF TOILET PAPER. after he came out mortified they offered him a napkin. i was laughing so hard i almost peed my pants. then i had to tell him (again) – always check before you go, bubba. always check. ;o)

  8. Hahaha… I only ever watched Seinfeld sporadically so missed that little gem (which I will have to use myself soon!)… LOVED the doggy cupcakes — amazing!

    I’m just lucky my two adult girls can cook anything in the kitchen. I’m pretty sure I made them take a home economics type class after school so that they’d learn some skills… I was a late bloomer in the kitchen myself… now I’m competent enough but while they were growing up I just wasn’t really interested… I know, bad mommy.

    :>

  9. Egyptians everywhere are envious.

  10. hee hee thank you *Wipes tears from eyes*

  11. Don’t worry, you’ll just get the calls from a college-age-Dimples asking you how to make Minute Rice and where you go to buy toothpaste. 🙂 That’s what I did to my poor mother. No wonder she acted all worried when she released me into the world!

  12. You’re amazing! The doggy cupcakes are my favourite.

    As good old Bill Shakespeare says, “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth…”

  13. Those cakes are amazing! I don’t remember too much of anything before 6, so I second that don’t try to be a good mom before the age of 6 thing.

  14. *jaws drop* Wow those cakes are awesome!!! She forgot those? hmmmmm…. Ginger says make one with her and smash it in her face… hehehehe (just kidding) but do it again and then have a wonderful mother-daughter feast… she wont forget it.. 🙂
    Yes, this is the long lost collies and chuck…. still love your blog! 🙂

  15. My favorite of all time! (so far) You have given me the best piece of advice EVER. I will always check before I pull down my pants.
    And I love that your kid didn’t know where cakes come from!!!!

  16. Add to the book:
    Replace the old insurance card with the new one before you get pulled over.
    Trust me on this, especially since NYC now requires a traffic court appearance for anything involving insurance.

    And I would be very appreciative of baked goods.

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