If You Insist on Being Supermom You Better Take A Lot of Pictures

I often wake up in the middle of the night, panicked that I still have a googlemillion things left to teach my daughter, and only 8 more years until she goes to college where everything I have taught her will be turned into a Bucket List of Things I Should Do to Freak Out my Mom.  For example, I keep forgetting to tell her to, “always check for toilet paper before you pull your pants down.”  Of course, I know this is important, and I am 44 years old – and I still forget to check.

In fact, I think I’ve had to ask my own daughter if she can “spare a square” a couple of times.

So, this not only means that I need to teach her a googlemillion things, but I need to repeat each thing a googlemillion times so it will finally sink in and she will make it to 44 years old without ever having found herself in a bathroom stall at Dairy Queen begging for toilet paper from her daughter.

My ineptitude as a mother reveals itself daily, but even I was horrified by my own failings a couple of nights ago when reading to 10-year-old Dimples from The Fire Chronicle before she went to bed.

“The universe is a mass of constantly expanding energy, and one day it will collapse upon itself.  Like a cake left too long in the oven.”

“Why would you put a cake in the oven?” she derisively interrupted.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked.  Then I thought, maybe she means after it’s already frosted and ready to eat.  “Not after it’s made.  You know, when you’re baking it.”

Blank look.

Oh. My. God.  My 10-year-old child does not know that cakes are made by baking them in the oven. *

I started hyperventilating.

“Where did you think cakes came from?” I managed to splurt out.

She shrugged.

I think I blacked out.

Later that evening, as I surfed the net in search for some excerpts from Mommy Dearest to make myself feel better, I realized that I actually have made cakes with her before.  It’s been awhile, but we did it together for a couple of her birthdays.

Okay.  They were 5 and 6 years ago.  But still.

This led me to the conclusion that it is a complete waste of time to try to be a good mother to your child before the age of 6.  They remember none of it, show absolutely no gratitude, and by the time they develop any kind of memory retention, you will be too burned out to continue in the vein in which you started.

A better plan is to keep a notebook of important advice, which you can bestow upon them the first day they realize you have taught them absolutely nothing.

Here’s a list to get you started:

#1.  Always check for toilet paper before you pull down your pants.  Because one day your momma won’t be there to bring you some more.

Deuce.  Cakes do not grow on trees.

III.  When backing out of a Kroger’s parking spot, do not keep looking behind you, or your front end will dent your neighbor’s car, and you will then be faced with the dilemma of either leaving a note or driving away in shame and having that guilt on your conscience for the rest of your life.

This is just a suggested list.  You can write whatever you want.  But you might have to pay the price if you don’t include number III.  Insurance for teenagers is expensive.  I’m just sayin’.

We made this cake for her 5th birthday. And decorated it. Yes. I know it’s amazing.

Technically not a cake, but I have to prove that I’m not a complete dud in the kitchen.

 

 

You would have thought she would have remembered this one, since I CRIED WHILE TRYING TO MAKE THE DARN PYRAMID THAT SHE INSISTED I CREATE BY HAND.  But I’m not bitter.

 

 

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