I Would Pay The Whole 4 Cents to Be Sequestered with Brad Pitt

Until I can find the tangible evidence that my doctor hates my hair stylist, thus giving him the perfect motive to tank my thyroid test, I have decided to blame my depression on The Sequester. I mean, if my problems aren’t the result of thyroid dysfunction, they clearly must have some external cause. And this whole sequester thing is definitely stressing me out.

First of all, I’m totally bummed that “Sequester” has a completely different meaning than the one I’ve known all of these years. Until now, a sequester was something I could only dream about – having the government pay for me to stay in a hotel with maid service, room service, and all of the books I could ever want to read since I wouldn’t be allowed access to any media in case Nancy Grace might somehow manage to cajole me into nailing Jodi Arias to the wall.

When the news outlets started warning about an oncoming sequester in Congress, I pictured the whole muddle of them being locked inside the Capitol until they  knocked each other off and one person became the victor – kind of like a mix between Twelve Angry Men, Fight Club, and the cardinals in the Vatican conclave.  I was sorely disappointed to find out that this was not the case.

I was even more alarmed by rumors that this whole sequester thing might delay my tax refund.  After all, I use my tax refund to pay my psychiatrist, so if I don’t get my refund, I don’t…well, you get the picture.

Of course, I should be completely straight with you, and admit that we have received an unexpected endowment from the county recently.  Although, to be honest, I don’t think it would pay for the gas to take the check to the bank, much less thirty seconds with my psychiatrist.

In fact, I find it depressing that the county actually paid for a stamp to send this check to us.

Yes, folks, that is a check for 4 cents.

Yes, folks, that is a check for 4 cents.

And then Hugo Chavez died.  The only person more paranoid than me. The person who said, “Would it be so strange that they’ve invented technology to spread cancer and we won’t know about it for 50 years?”

Remember?  I’m the one who said terrorists are poisoning our food.  And now I’m depressed.  Hugo said there are mad scientists spreading cancerand he died of cancer.

I think the connections are pretty obvious.

If my doctor had just said, “Your thyroid is wonky, and that’s why you’re depressed,” we wouldn’t be in this big mess.


Posted on March 7, 2013, in Depression, Doctors, Humor, Politics, Terrorism and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. Sequester up to a few weeks ago was when some criminals take someone against their will and hold them for ransom… Your peace of mind has been sequestered by some wonky criminals and guess what the ransom is… .04cents…pay them ,pay them, it’s the best investment you can make of those 4 cents, read you soon, Alexandra

  2. They did invent a machine to spread cancer, it’s called nuclear tests during WWII that spreads way further than it should across the country.

  3. I have a thyroid issue. Hoshimotos I think it’s called. I have no idea what it means– if it’s overactive or underactive. And I love that you mentioned “12 Angry Men”…..my dad made me watch that when I was a mere 12 years old, telling me what an amazing movie it was and that I had to watch it! I love your stories!

  4. Wow and I thought my $1 refund on my very first personal tax refund about 15 years ago was sad.

  5. Too funny! I like to blame my weight gain on my thyroid. It’s much easier than accepting the fact that I shove too much cake in my cake-hole.

  6. there are so many awesome things in this post i can’t decide. first and foremost – i would pay hubby’s annual salary to be sequestered with brad pitt (i’m sure hubby would approve?). second – i am relieved to know that i am not the only person who found hugo chavez’s quotes mildly amusing and noteworthy. i have to laugh (a teensy bit) every time i hear the clips of all the things he said to bush. it’s just plain funny. and the check for four cents??? once we got a check for 70 cents because we had (inadvertantly) joined a class action law suit to sue ican’trememberwho and we won!!! woo-hoo! we treated ourselves to a slice of bread to celebrate (we had to split it).

    • I think I’m involved in like a dozen class-action suits right now. I keep getting letters and e-mails asking me to respond if I DON’T want to be included, and I’m too lazy to respond. Plus, I don’t really see a down side to being involved since I don’t have to pay the lawyers.

      You and I are so related. I mean, really, how many people do you know who found Chavez funny? Or actually knew who he was?

  7. Don’t you just love governments, sending you a cheque like that. The paper probably cost more and that’s even taking into account our rather dismal exchange rate

  8. Chancy the Gardener

    Government waste is one of my biggest soap boxes. All that postage to send a 4 cent check…unbelievable! I am with you on the meaning of “Sequester” what I hear in the news of late is a new one on me. Hugs and give Wonderbutt some nose kisses for us!

    • Thank you! I thought I was the only one confused by the whole sequester thing. If I didn’t have to learn a whole new vocabulary, I think would actually try to get involved in politics.

  9. I think you should stick it to the county, and sign that check directly over the the Hugo Chavez Conspiracy Theory and Beach Preservation Endowment.

  10. I like your idea of sequestering! It would be both entertaining and fruitful, and who doesn’t love fruit? 😉
    Can I go into your book-sequester program, it sounds lovely…

  11. I do wonder if i steal your theme and get a dog if i’ll be as amazing as you are, i just love you 🙂

  12. You are funny! I love how you tied all those subjects together.

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