Just as Long as You Don’t Put any Ammunition in the Toaster, We’ll Be Fine

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This exchange happened between my sister, Crash, and me a few days ago.  You see, about 20,000 years ago I did what I thought was a really nice thing and surprised my sister in North Carolina for her birthday.  Her birthday usually coincides with my Spring Break, so I figured I would give her the best gift of all – me.  She seemed quite happy about it at the time, but little did I know that I was setting her up for an annual hopefulness that seems to have gradually turned into full-blown paranoia.  Every year at this time, she asks if I’m going to surprise her again.  And, of course I say “no” because, even if I was, I’m certainly not going to tell her.  This year, as you can tell, the hopefulness has turned into fear, and I’m trying not to take it personally.

I mean we all know the difference between “half-ass” cleaning and the cleaning you do when you are afraid you are going to get murdered by a serial killer and your home is going to be featured on C.S.I.  But my sister should know by now that I would be perfectly satisfied with no-ass cleaning because that’s exactly the kind of house I live in on a regular basis.

The other day, there was a story in the news about a woman who got injured because her friend decided to keep his ammunition in his oven, and she decided to preheat it to make some waffles.  Now, there are a few things wrong about this story, but my biggest question is: why do you need to pre-heat the oven to make waffles?  I mean, I’m not a kitchen person, but I’m pretty sure you don’t bake waffles.

You might ask what that all has to do with this post, but I think that you will agree with me that keeping your bullets in the oven is a perfect example of, half-ass, “Oh crap, I have a visitor, what am I going to do with this armful of armament, I know, I’ll put it in the oven” kind of cleaning.  Never predicting that, when you left the room to go take a whiz, your neighbor would suddenly take it upon herself to make some kind of mutant form of waffles that must be put in the oven instead of in the waffle iron that was sitting on your counter.

What I’m getting at, Crash, is you can totally put your ammunition in the oven if you want.  Because:  A.) I don’t cook, so I think we are all safe on that account, 2.)  I don’t clean, so I’m never going to find it in there, and III.) I’m not coming to visit this week, so I really don’t care where you decide to store your ammo.

Although I do feel obligated to mention, Sis, that someone who earned the nickname “Crash” because of her less than graceful performances in the past, should probably not be around live ammunition on a regular basis.

Oh, and I am coming to visit.  No, I’m not.  Yes, I am.  No, I’m not…

Don’t you love having a sister?  Happy Birthday.


Posted on March 9, 2013, in Crash, Family, Humor, Sisters and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.

  1. This is so funny. As a person who only cleans when company is coming, I totally get it. No, I don’t. Yes, I do. OMG. Yes, I do!

  2. Well it has never occurred to me to clean the house in case I get murdered and CSI might come and take pictures that might reveal various, random dust balls surrounding my body. Thank you for adding another anxiety to my long list!


    wim2s – if you ever do decide to start cooking, I recommend sauteeing the ammo in a nice garlic/oil sauce.
    Then when you use it, you can track your targets by their delightful scent.

  4. Such an hilarious post. Your poor sister, you really are a big tease. Trust you to decide the worst part of the story was why waffles needed to go in an oven! I grew up with a Mom who used to put everything in the oven for the half ass, quick clean up. I almost began to think it was normal 🙂

    • I thought it was quite observant of me to catch that little inconsistency in the story! I have never made waffles, other than the toaster kind – which that lady might want to think about doing from now on.

  5. When I got my first apartment, I stored up my dirty dishes until I had enough to make it worthwhile to wash them. To keep things tidy, I stored them in a dishpan in the oven. I haven’t done that for nearly thirty years, but to this day, I check the oven every single time before I turn it on… which is a really good thing, because last week Hubby decided it was an ideal place to store a loaf of bread (since we don’t have a breadbox and he doesn’t like to store his bread in a plastic bag).

    I was going to bake some cookies and I cranked the oven on, then reflexively looked inside, thinking even as I reached for the door handle, “I don’t know why I still do this.”

    I’m really glad that old habit has hung on for the past three decades…

    • That is so funny! Thirty years of having OCD finally paid off! Maybe I should ask Cap’n Firepants if he ever keeps anything in the oven. Nah, no need to highlight the fact that I never cook.

  6. You & Jon Stewart, my friend. You even THINK the same!

  7. We decided to plan our third kid for a different time of year. Both of our two older ones share a birthday month, and we’d only clean once a year for their parties. Now we’re forced to clean one extra time. If we had one more kid, our house might be inhabitable year round.

  8. We get drop-ins. All. The. Time. Obviously, I need to start keeping ammunition in my oven.

    Thanks for the tip.

  9. Fitty keeps our driveway steep and rocky with holes a metre deep so that we don’t get drop ins…I have to stop at the bottom of our road and access 4×4 mode just to get home.
    He’s smarter than he looks my Fitty..

  10. I’d feel better about the waffle story if the ammunition was hidden in the toaster, not the oven.

  11. I have a friend whose half-assed cleaning includes throwing all of her junk in the shower. Who looks behind the curtain? Although when I’m at her house, I’m always tempted. When we were buying a house years ago, we caught someone who threw everything into the dishwasher. At least if you forgot, your things would be clean and nothing would explode or melt.

    Great post. Sisters are great, aren’t they?

  12. I become a terrible lacky when i’m home alone, blame puberty especially since my mom always comments on how responsible i was when I was younger too bad I cant remember how I did it now, so whenever my mom is at the door i do the “under the bed swipe” which later has me flat on my stomach yanking out stuff for about half an hour, i usually find stuff i’ve lost that way though, and yes sister’s are wonderful i just love mine happy belated to yours and wishing her many more. I also read the news report from the link you posted and i must ask what does everyone have against internet explorer my reason for asking is that when i opened it in a new tab this dialogue came up:

    Try this tip for a better tampabay.com experience

    Having technical problems on our website? Try clearing your Internet Explorer cache.

    For quick and easy directions, click here.

    If you’re willing to try a new browser, we recommend Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome, for a better experience on our website as well as on others.

    To download Firefox, click here. To download Chrome, click here. Both are free and easy to install.
    Hope to read you soon 🙂

  13. Once Lance got old enough to use the microwave I had to find a new spot for the anmunication… Happy Birthday, Crash! She told me she was coming to visit, so have fun! 😉

  14. Happy birthday Crash, and once again thank you for the giggle!

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