The Epic Fail of My Big Bang Theory Theory

I could probably look this up on Google Translate - but I really don't want to know what it saysphoto credit: Mayu ;P via photopin cc

I could probably look this up on Google Translate – but I really don’t want to know what it says
photo credit: Mayu ;P via photopin cc

 “What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits’? Does he provide her with health insurance?”  Sheldon, Big Bang Theory

I am really beginning to dread springtime.  Some people associate spring with warmth and new life, looking forward to the promise of summer and dreamy vacations.  Not me.  Since about two years ago, I associate spring with one thing – the Annual School Sex Talk.

In our little pocket of conservative, gun-totin’ Texas, I am a bit surprised any kind of sex education is undertaken by our public schools, but I support it whole-heartedly.  The problem is that my daughter does not, which is probably better than the opposite extreme – a ravenous hunger to discuss every detail.  But it still bothers me.

My own mother raised me to talk about things, and I had no problem asking her questions about the topic.  I also had no problem giving my opinion about it the first time I saw “the video” in 5th grade.  “That is absolutely disgusting, and there is no way I’m going to do that!  Ever!!!”

I hear horror stories from many of my peers about how prudish their own parents were, and how they had to learn everything, most of it wrong, from their friends. So I resolved that my daughter would feel just as comfortable talking about the topic with me as I had been with my mom.

All of the experts say, “Answer their questions honestly, but don’t go into detail.  Don’t give them more information than they request.”

“No problem,” I thought.

Only my daughter refuses to cooperate with this plan.  According to her, there is nothing to discuss.

In 3rd grade, she learned about the menstrual cycle.

No questions.

In 4th grade, she learned about her anatomy.

No questions.

This year, I got wise.  I told Cap’n Firepants that we needed to stop shielding our daughter from “risque” shows, because it was probably making her think that we were embarrassed by the whole topic of sex.  My reasoning was, if we don’t make a big deal about it, then she won’t feel like it’s a big deal to ask questions.  Hence, no more switching to the Disney Channel every time she walked into the room while we are watching The Big Bang Theory.  The Cap’n seemed pretty doubtful about this reasoning.  But since his name is Cap’n Firepants, I don’t see how he really has any room to talk.

So this year, in 5th grade, she learned about the male anatomy, and fertilization of eggs.  No mention of how the sperm gets there in the first place…

No. Questions.  HOW CAN YOU NOT QUESTION THAT?  First you have eggs, and suddenly they are dodging sperm missiles.  Sperm missiles that you were just told are in the MALE ANATOMY.  Does it not occur to the kids watching this film that a key part of the story is missing?

Sheldon would question that.  But my daughter is obviously not Sheldon.  Which I am thankful for – most of the time.

“So, how was Maturation today?”


“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Did you learn anything you didn’t know before?”

“Not really.”

“Do you have any questions?”


The experts don’t say what to do about that.

I don’t want to scar the kid for life, but what if she thinks she knows something that she really doesn’t know?  How am I supposed to know?

More importantly, what if she never talks about it, and then she grows up and tells everyone that her mom never discussed the topic with her so she had to learn it on the street?

I’m not sure what street she would learn it on, because our suburban cul-de-sac inhabited by octogenarians who never come outside seems an unlikely place to get educated about sex, but I guess you never know.

The point is, I could get the rap for being a bad mom, which is completely unfair because I totally tried.

Of course, I could also get the rap for being a bad mom because I included my daughter in the same post as sperm missiles.

Stupid springtime.

Posted on March 21, 2013, in Children, Dimples, Family, Humor, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 32 Comments.

  1. I am the wrong person to talk to about this. Truly. I am the step-mother who, horrified that nobody seemed to realise that at 17 years of age, it was just a little possible that things were going on with my step-son that we might just be unaware of. We’ve had the ‘you know you can talk to us’, conversation (we received a grunt in return). Of course, this wasn’t good enough for me – I like to call a spade a shovel and am prone to over-communicating – so now the teenager carries a condom in his wallet AND has spares in the bathroom cupboard on the basis that its better to be safe than sorry… Too much information? That’s what he said, too! 🙂

    PS – My Mum was like yours and I love her all the more for it

  2. I didn’t have any questions, either. I didn’t get any sex ed in school until 5th grade, but I already knew pretty much everything because I’d asked my mom where babies came from when she was pregnant with my brother when I was six. She told me, no sugar coating, no stork, just the truth. Then in the fall of fifth grade I started puberty so she bought me a book about it, I think it was called It’s Perfectly Normal or something like that. She read it with me, I had no questions. I figured, why would anyone lie, and it all made sense. Guess I didn’t believe that humans were magical creatures with rainbows and stuff.

    • I think you and Dimples are very similar!

      • I was meaning to tell you yesterday that I went to the bathroom in a panera bread yesterday and did not check to make sure there was toilet paper. It made me angry, and oddly think of you because you wrote about that once. I guess Dimples and I are similar, we both forget your important lesson of checking for toilet paper first. Unless she doesn’t forget that, in which case… whatever.

  3. Also, there was no Big Bang Theory tonight and it made me sad!

  4. Well you should get at least get points for trying!

  5. No kids so, sorry, can’t help with this one. My babies (animals, the lot of them) seem to know all about the subject without any video/class required

    • I’m not sure even my animals understand the whole birds and bees thing; my female dog tries to, uh, you know, Wonderbutt sometimes. From what I understand, that’s not exactly how things work.

  6. omg. so much to comment on. so little space. thank you because i love this post a lot. 1. be careful with the word “maTURAtion” in a “sex” post. it’s dangerously close to another word that we would not want to confuse it with. ever. 2. my son (same age, i think?) has NEVER asked a question either. when i asked if he was ok with the whole thing he said he didn’t want to talk about it and that he knew “the whole sperm/egg thing.” gawd. 3. the kids have all shielded themselves from any kind of remotely sexual thing where their dad and me are remotely involved. in fact, i’m pretty sure they have all decided they are adopted. happy, happy spring!

    • hahahahah so true!!
      I has to read this twice “So, how was Maturation today?”

    • LOL! I didn’t even think about the whole maTURAtion slippery slope when I was typing it. Gotta be careful to monitor any more posts with that word in it. And I’m sure there will be many more. Now that I think about it, I guess I was the abnormal kid growing up to actually discuss things like that with my mom. Most moms tell me their kids won’t talk about it either.

  7. Turn it around. You should start asking her questions about the birds and the bees. Just be sitting when you do so.

  8. Haha I like John’s suggestion. Figure it out and be ready to help me in a few years, OK?

  9. Well, growing up was funny, my parents are liberal Europeans, so no taboo conversation at home lol However, I don’t remember asking, I never asked, just once, I’ll never forget it, it was a restaurant, I asked my mom what circumcision was. My dad jumped in and answered my question, I was horrified imagining the painful that would be.
    Then, I was once caught with porn, not watching it, with a CD full of it (I know) they sat down with me and told me “You wanna know about sex? This is the wrong way, we’ll tell you about sex”
    I was soooo embarrassed, I just didn’t want to talk about sex with my parents.
    That’s probably what your daughter thinks, but I guarantee she knows that if she has any questions she can count on you to answer them.

  10. southerndreamer

    LOL. The silent routine is hard to crack. You get double points for it!

    Mine most definitely asked HOW the sperm missiles got there. Oddly, it was my 7 year old who put 2 and 2 together WAY before her brother and sis. She seems like she’s off in her own world, but I’ve decided it’s a clever act meant to fool us.

    My mom was so round-about that I ended up more confused. Sex ed wasn’t until 7th grade. I figured it out shortly before then when I happened to peruse a medical book (what people used before WebMD). “Why are the boy parts and girl parts all in one picture?? Ooooooooh! Ewwwww!”

  11. I thought these things were always only taught in the bathroom after detention.
    My, how times have changed.

  12. Parenting is way too difficult.. I am glad I have boys and can delegate all that to my husband!

  13. My parents never had the sex talk with me. I remember being one of the last ones to “get” the sex jokes and remember learning about what some things were at a church youth activity of all places!!! So don’t worry about living in suburbia. Kids talk about it everywhere. But I do have the same concerns as you. I’ve always called the anatomy what it really is and have been determined that I would always just answer honestly if ever asked. My daughter is only 6 but I know these issues will be coming up soon enough and I worry that she will be exactly like you are describing! Because she already is. Asking her questions about what goes on at school is futile! I feel your pain. Update us if you figure out something that works!!

    • I’m trying to think about when I would have found out anything if I hadn’t watched that film in 5th grade – probably in college when we were taking “The Purity Test”. Come to think of it, I learned a lot from the questions on that test that I kind of wish I could delete from my brain now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: