This Is How People End Up On Nancy Grace
I was looking through some rough drafts I wrote last week and came across this gem that I wrote after my post on kitchen decor. Clearly my medication had worn off at that point…
Crap. I just looked up The Four Manners of Death on the internet. Now I know someone near me is going to be murdered and I’m going to be implicated and my computer is going to be confiscated.
The detectives who hack my highly sophisticated security system (named Wonderbutt) to access my search history aren’t going to believe that I couldn’t remember that when you just die all on your own it’s called “Natural Causes” and I needed to know that so I could give the cause of death of my refrigerator.
Plus, I keep mentioning terrorists in my posts, which is sure to raise some red flags – even though I am warning you about them, not supporting them (at least not that I know of).
Oh. My. God. I just did it again. I was trying to find something to rhyme with “flag” because I wanted to put a little twist on that expression, and I found bag, and then I thought, “What are the bags they put dead bodies in called?”
And I SEARCHED for it.
Stupid because A. Duh, they’re called “body bags” and 2. NOW THERE IS MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST ME.
And III. I noticed some kind-of-interesting titles in the search results. AND NOW I WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT PAGE.
So, basically, I’m going to end up on Death Row because I have a bad memory and an insatiable curiosity for weird things.
And I live in Texas, where everything is bigger – including the number of executions each year.
Would someone please take this keyboard away from me before I implicate myself into my own body bag?
Posted on April 11, 2013, in Blogging, Death, Humor, Terrorism and tagged death, humor, life, murder, Nancy Grace, random, Texas, using these tags probably won't help my case very much. Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.
whatimeant2say 
and regarding Texas, where the actual guilt or innocence of the arrestee and death row resident has very little to do with the outcome.
Sad, isn’t it?
I love your posts. So funny. If only there were a way to search freely with no worries about things being traced back to you. Sometimes there are legitimate (sometimes embarrassing) things we need to know!
Thank you. And if you find that way to surreptitiously search for potentially incriminating information, let me know. I promise I would only use it for good.
I’ve been giggling on and off for the last hour after reading this. I love your pieces. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! Can you believe I forgot a body bag is called a “body bag”? That’s what happens when you start panicking about your search terms.
I once considered writing an unedited version of my TRAIN OF THOUGHT… and at the moment I went blank… jajajaaa… I can’t silence my mind, but when i tell it, OK I’m listening, it shuts up… anyway… erase your browser history and deny everything or play dead next to security chief WB… take care, Alexandra
Interestingly, my students behave the same way. When I give them permission to talk, they can’t think of anything to say. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take them long to wise up to my reverse psychology.
Don’t mess with Texas.
For many reasons…
I have given this some thought as well. I then gave my neighbor kid a key to my house and instructions to REMOVE MY HARD DRIVE immediately upon hearing of my arrest or death. He has agreed but only one one condition…money. Crap, I told him to just take the whole computer and hock it but only after wiping it clean. It is now a done deal.
Great plan. I must find a similarly talented neighbor!
OMG! I have also used similar words and tags in my posts. Add the IRS to the list of people watching me… 🙂
Thanks for the reminder!!
You know we are on someone’s watch list by now, right? Maybe they’ve made collectible cards with our faces on them. Of course, mine would have to have Wonderbutt’s face.
see… POSITIVEly hilarious!
More like POSITIVEly Paranoid 🙂
Hahaha! I’m obsessed with crime shows so this made me laugh! Because when I her about the searches people are doing in th winter net before they kill someone I always think, “really!?” Plus I’m a born and raised Texan so you know, funny for that reason too!
Hear not her. Just so you know I can spell.
Don’t worry. I nvr jdg commenters on speling.
Cool when they arrest you I can so claim I know her – you can be my claim to fame! BOL
And thus, in that ignoble fashion, the true identity of Mrs. Cap’n Firepants will be revealed to the world.
I do all of my body bag searches at the library. 😉
Now, that is an excellent alternative!
Calling the cops now…
Good luck giving them the address to Wonderbutt’s house!
i am super paranoid about the internet search thing. i mull things over until i absolutely cannot google them. even ridiculous things – wetlands (oh, that was a bad mistake when i did google it – and thank god i had the good sense not to let the 10 year old boy google it on his own). but, i think you might be in danger should you die mysteriously (or not) – so please call in captain firepants – someone must stop you (for your own good).
Wow. Wetlands seem so innocent.
This bothers me, too! I don’t want people to judge me- even if I did look up weird crap on the internet and then die a mysterious death.
I think I’m going to search a bunch of inexplainable things right before I die – just so I can go out with a bang.
Just redo those searches and add the words “defend 2nd ammendment”.
I hear they love that in Texas. 😉
I would definitely make a lot of friends here if I did that.