The Only Thing Worse Than the Fine Print is the Allusion to Fine Print that Isn’t Even There

It’s time to start thinking about what I want to do this summer, so I was happy to receive a Groupon e-mail that gave me all sorts of suggestions.

The first offer was to tube down the river.  I’ve always wanted to do this, so I clicked on the ad.

I’ve been burned a lot by the “fine print” in ads, so I decided I should read this one carefully.  I didn’t want to pay to tube down the river, and then find out that the deal includes everything but the tube and the river.

It seemed pretty straightforward until I got to this part:

Screen Shot 2013-04-21 at 3.57.00 PM

I’m good with leaving the glass and styrofoam at home, but I don’t go anywhere without my antimatter.

So I decided to move on to the kayaking Groupon.  Kayaking has always seemed like a fun sport I would like to try.  But then I read this:

Screen Shot 2013-04-21 at 4.03.27 PM

I don’t think I can kayak relaxedly if I am constantly on the lookout for falling helicopter pilots.  In fact, now I’m afraid to walk outside, thank you very much.

So, even though I have absolutely no interest in fishing, I clicked on the 4-hour boat tour.  I figured that’s the way to go – someone else driving the boat while I just hang out with a rod and reel in my hand pretending I know what I’m doing.

But then I read the following:

Screen Shot 2013-04-21 at 4.14.05 PMI really can’t square Eddie Murphy with a leisurely cruise around the Gulf.  Plus, we all know what happens on 4-hour tours…

I guess I just need to look for some non-aquatic ways to spend my summer.

Flying trapeze lessons sound intriguing.  Unless I fall onto a kayaker.

Who knows – maybe I’ll decide to be truly adventurous and take my life into my own hands by signing up for the Online Stock-Trading Course.

Screen Shot 2013-04-21 at 4.58.29 PM

Uh, what terms and conditions? Could you give me a hint about what they might be?

You’re right.  I’d be better off with the trapeze lessons.  At least they promise to provide a net.

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Posted on April 21, 2013, in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. In NZ, there are the Waitomo Caves, famous for the huge number of glow worms that wink at you in the dark.

    One year I went black water rafting there – this involves donning a miners hat with a light, a wet suit and rubber boots (we call them gumboots in NZ) and travelling the waterways underground on a blown up inner tube. It was lots of fun, but I spent the majority of my time obsessing about how many complete strangers had peed in the wetsuit I was wearing before I put it on my person…

  2. You should probably double-check about the net. The way things are going, they might provide a lake full of hungry alligators under the trapeze!

  3. oh I carry my stash of antimatter in a ziploc baggie, can’t leave home without it… how about a course in the trendy mindfulness meditation, how dangerous can that be? read you soon, Alexandra

  4. Fun times ahead 🙂

  5. They give trapeze lessons in downtown mahattan along the hudson!
    Let me know when you’ll be here.

  6. i’d go for the tubing and just find another spot for my antimatter other than the cooler.

  7. I’m still stuck on what exactly is antimatter. I like that Micro can carry hers around in a baggie, but I’m hoping mine would fit, say, in my wallet. Yes?

    • I actually looked up the definition of anti-matter, thinking that maybe it meant something other than what I suspected. But I’m pretty sure it’s what I suspected, even though I can’t really understand all of the scientific jargon.

  8. Crazy! They always have the tubing offer…

    • Really? With the antimatter disqualifier? I need to pay more attention to my Groupon offers.

      • I am quite disappointed at the lack of attention you give your Groupon offers. 😉 but I must say I don’t think I have seen the antimatter disqualifier…

        • Maybe we should be Groupon Buddies. Whenever we find something that looks tempting, we should forward it to the other person, and ask, “What dumb caveat am I missing that makes this ‘super deal’ completely worthless?”

  9. Trapeze lessons sound like fun and if the net is code for a lake full of alligators as Genevieve said, it’d be an extra motivation, if you leave there alive/one piece, would mean that you are a pro and would be able to become a Trapeze Instructor with your own fine print.

    • Earning a Trapeze Instructor Certification is definitely on my Bucket List. Narrowly avoiding snapping alligator jaws is on there, too, but I might have to bump it for tubing with antimatter.

  10. Hi friend!

    We’ve visited that nice place a couple of days ago, we’ve spent such a good time there, take a look http://seixx2.mikeousley.com

    Wishes, rey_rey786

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