More Evidence That I Probably Should Just Live in a Bubble

I finally solved the mystery of what’s using up all of the RAM in my brain, rendering it completely useless for ordinary tasks like processing words and creating pointless bulleted lists of what I desperately need from the grocery store.

Someone has apparently messed with my system preferences and over-upgraded my anti-virus program resulting in my brain spending more time on defending me from highly contagious infections than reminding me to perform simple tasks – such as putting a memory stick into my camera before I take 200 pictures and realize that none have been saved.

I was thinking that getting older was the culprit, but a rare moment of self-awareness the other day revealed the true reason I can’t remember a darn thing anymore.

I was supervising recess, and a student came up, rubbed his palm on my arm, and asked me if he could go to the bathroom.

“Sure,” I said automatically.

What I was thinking was, “I need to douse my left arm in hand-sanitizer as soon as I get back to my classroom.”

About 2 minutes later, a parent walked up to me, introduced himself, and shook my hand.

“Hello,” I said automatically.

Thinking, of course, “And I will use my right hand that man just shook to spread the hand-sanitizer all over my left arm.”

And then someone asked me a question.

And a small bit of panic began to rise because I now had two things to remember and one thing to respond to all at the same time and apparently two is my max amount for multi-tasking and my brain completely freezes if required to perform three functions at the same exact time.

I don’t even remember the question.  It was about that moment that a random window opened in my brain, informing me that this is exactly why I am a basket case while simultaneously debating whether the person who asked me the question got close enough that I would now need to sanitize my entire body just to be on the safe side.

Later that day, I informed my husband of my great revelation.

“I can’t remember anything because I’m too busy trying to remember which parts of my body need to be disinfected every time someone comes near me.  I’m seriously creating little mental maps in my brain with place-markers on every spot that has been touched since the last time I expunged all of the germs.”

Despite the fact that I make astounding statements like this every single day, my husband seemed a bit concerned by the gravity of the situation.

“That’s weird,” he said.  “You seriously need to stop watching those reruns of Monk.”

“Oh God,” I thought.  “I never thought of that.  CAN YOU IMAGINE ALL OF THE BACTERIA LIVING ON OUR REMOTE CONTROL?!!!”

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Posted on May 15, 2013, in Depression, Disease of the Day, Disorder of the Day, Humor, Phobia and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. EXPUNGED…what a dirty word!! I can’t remember much either, not even how many students came sick to school and sneezed all throughout my class… I have considered the fact that I am 50% here: I breathe with one nostril, I sleep with one eye open, I need bifocals…and I am probably using half my brain… google CORTISOL and then Dr. Sara Gottfried… it’s a 40+ thing, I am anxiously awaiting my 50s, hoping this is a phase I’ll outgrow or just plain start all over again…Hi, my name is Alexandra…:) read you soon

    • Do you really think the 50’s will be better? I hope so! I’m not too thrilled with my 40’s at the moment.

      • At least all this mess we now call life will have settled… If our memory doesn’t come back, well by our 50s will have learned to live without it… And so many more changes that are taking place (or will soon start)… By 50, I hope, nothing about this will surprise us and I will have accepted the fact and will be wearing my bifocals…aaaaaaarrrgghhh… I like surprises but not so many at the same time…

  2. Germ pool is what you work in!! If I allow myself to really think about my exposure and baby’s then I could go looney tunes.

  3. Some things are just too horrendous to think about. Vermin, germs, traffic, air quality, etc. If hand sanitizer gets rid of most of those things, I wonder would happen if I rubbed it around my middle???
    Terrific piece! Thanks for sharing.

  4. I once saw Dr. Oz lick a garbage dumpster in an effort to show people that germs aren’t deadly and to not be too, too afraid of them.

  5. haha this totally explains my memory issues too… you’re great 🙂

  6. Long sleeves and gloves.
    Hey it worked for Michael Jackson.

    Sorta…

  7. Haha oh goodness. You and me both. Every time someone comes into the office and they take my pen to write something down (even though there is a whole little vase full of them for people to use, they always manage to steal mine) and all I can think of is “Annnnd that’s getting cleaned before I touch it again. Thanks.”

  8. I’ll be nice and not add to this…

  9. Goodness! You know hand sanitizer actually weakens your immune system, right?

  10. Oh my God, SAME HERE!

    “I can’t remember anything because I’m too busy trying to remember which parts of my body need to be disinfected every time someone comes near me. I’m seriously creating little mental maps in my brain with place-markers on every spot that has been touched since the last time I expunged all of the germs.”

    Amazingly put, ha!!!

  11. Working with Ebola monkeys is a dangerous business. You’re wise to stay vigilant. Keep the hand sanitizer close and the antibacterial wipes closer.

  12. Wow I have so found something else to freak out about!!

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