I Was Going to Include a Different Picture But I Was Afraid to Google It

Yesterday I had to fend off a wild beast with an artificial vagina.

Okay, the beast was not so wild.  But she was extremely forward.  Apparently, the father of my daughter’s swim coach feeds her from his hand,  so she expects the same treatment from anyone else who visits the back yard.  Her name is Rhonda.

Rhonda - the vicious beast who attacked me

Rhonda – right before she realized my iPhone is not edible

Oh, and, as you probably suspected, I did not use an artificial vagina.  I used my cell phone.  And I didn’t really beat her with it.  She backed off when she realized it wasn’t food.

These are the kinds of adventures I have in suburban San Antonio.

They aren’t very newsworthy, I’m afraid.

James Herriot, on the other hand, the British country vet who wrote a series of books about his life, really did, apparently, get to repel an angry bull by beating it on the face with an artificial vagina.  The bull, not surprisingly, was a bit upset at this man who kept interfering with things each time he tried to “service” a cow.

Comedy gold.  This kind of thing never happens to me.

Instead, I find myself in the enviable position of reading the chapter about it out loud to my 10 year old daughter, and explaining the concept of artificial insemination to her.  Because I:

a.) have absolutely no memory of reading that particular chapter when I read the book at her age – or even when I read it again a few years ago

2.) am too lazy to read ahead to see if this might be a chapter best skipped

III.) have not enough imagination to “wing it” and make something completely different up when encountered with the sentence, “All you did was wait till the bull started to mount, then you directed the protruded penis into the A.V.”

Quatro.) was so relieved that this chapter did not include the death of any animals that I figured I might as well keep on going.

For her part, my daughter seemed to take the entire thing completely in stride as she folded her clothes while I was reading – although we both lost it completely when the bull slipped during his millionth attempt to mount the cow and avoid the vet trying to grab his penis, and “slid clean under the cow.”

I thought that I had no use for an artificial vagina.  Actually, I never thought about an artificial vagina, period.  But now that I have seen its potential, I am thinking of looking for one on eBay.

I think it could come in useful as a conversation starter.  Plus, our houseguests could use it to fight off our bulldog, Wonderbutt, when he tries to hump their legs.

I’m going to get a story out of this somehow.

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Posted on June 12, 2013, in Children, Dimples, Family, Humor, Parenting, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Oh, my gosh! When I read the first line, I thought “I need to tell her about “The Lord God Made Them All!”

  2. I’m not sure quite what to say…

  3. I don’t think I have read this series of books, but you have now intrigued me. Add to my never ending”to read” list that only grows nowadays! You are brave to get that picture- that would have been too close for me!

  4. I loved that series! I still re-read all the books every now and then, and I enjoy them all over again. Tristan as the ghost of the monk is another part that never fails to make me laugh. Or the flea in the movie theatre… don’t get me started!

    I recommend you don’t do a web search for artificial vaginas – you might end up with more than you bargained for. I don’t know what set the spammers off, but I’ve been getting blog spam for pocket pussies for weeks. Sadly, they’re not talking about cute, tiny kitty-cats.

  5. Oh, the things I’ve Googled without even realizing it was a bad idea….

    I remember that chapter from my middle school James Herriot reading. I thought it actually somewhat intriguing at the time and yes, somewhat hilarious. But I wasn’t reading it aloud with any of my parental figures. And really, “All Creatures Great and Small” starts with him shoulder deep up a cow’s hoo ha anyway (or was it a horse?) Come to think of it, there’s quite a lot of animal vagina in those books. Any time there’s trouble, seems ol’ James was going all Chasing Amy to save the lambs or whatever.

    • Yes, I think it was a cow’s hoo ha. And there really is a lot of animal vagina in the books, which you don’t realize fully until you are reading it out loud to your ten-year-old. She doesn’t seem too concerned about it, though. Which kind of makes me wonder, but I don’t want to bring attention to it by saying, “Um, are you sure you understand what I’m reading to you?”

      • Yeah, that’s another can of worms. Because if she DOES understand, well, where did she learn about that?!

        (though 10 is when, at my school, they separated the boys and girls into separate classes for a day and showed the “this is what your body will do/is doing” videos)

  6. Apparently, I have some reading to catch up on! How did I not know about this before?! I am seriously disappointed in me right now…

  7. if you google AV in google you’ll end up with fleshlights (yeah, with and E), all colors and sizes.

  8. An artificial vagina. Is that anything like artificial sweetener?

  9. hownottokillyourparents

    I love those books. I remember I actually had a teacher get mad at me about it because she read a passage over my shoulder and she thought the book was too dirty.

  10. Artificial vagina? Oh I am leaping and bounding with hilarity. You are such a gem!

  11. Typist lives just outside Thirsk, and the factory is not a million miles away for Thirsk either, I love that you are reading about the area that I live in!! The books sound great – typist thinks she needs to read them!

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