Don’t Wear a Thong When You Ride a Horse and Other Advice for City Girls

So, once we made the rare sighting of the Pedal Tavern during our photo safari of downtown Nashville, we hopped in the car and drove for two hours to a place in the country where our family reunion was taking place.

I like to think of myself as an adventurous person, but I am much more comfortable with taking my life into my hands by jay-running between speeding cars in the city than I am with hiking through poison-ivy infested woods.

My daughter’s first priority for vacation was to go horseback riding.  I’ve done this several times, so I know the basics: wear close-toed shoes, put your left foot in the stirrup first so you don’t end up facing the horse’s rear end, and don’t let yourself fall off.  Despite the fact that my horse, Maverick, emulated his Top Gun namesake by showing no regard for anyone but himself and nearly decapitating me on low-hanging branches several times, I did pretty well.

It wasn’t until that evening that I realized my wardrobe mistake.  Major chafage pain in the posterior region informed me that I should be less concerned about panty lines the next time I go trotting through the forest.  I know this is TMI, but I feel it is my duty to warn my fashion-minded readers about the consequences of improper undergarments when riding a horse.  No one thinks to tell you these things. Sure, they will give you a helmet to keep you from cracking your head open, but no one mentions the importance of protecting your crack.

I did get advice later on that day about the ramifications of picking up toads.  The kids seemed so enamored with one that was hanging out by the sidewalk that I swept it up in my hands to give them a better look.

“Ewww.  It’s going to pee on you!” approximately 10 people shouted to me at the same time.

Now, I’ve had held lots of strange animals – hedgehogs, snakes, tarantulas, hissing cockroaches, etc…  And, a few of them have peed on me.  It’s no big deal.  You set the animal down, go wash off the tiny drop of urine and all is good.  So, I wasn’t too intimidated by this warning.

Toad pee, though, is a bit different than hedgehog pee.  Apparently, a toad’s bladder holds an unprecedented volume of pee.  Picture yourself holding a water balloon that is the size of the palm of your hand, and a dime-sized hole suddenly opens in the bottom of the balloon.  Oh, and to this picture, add a bunch of kids of various ages watching you closely to see if you are going to screech and pitch the poor toad 10 feet into the air as soon as it dumps urine all over you.

Ironically, my efforts to encourage the kids to observe nature more closely ended up with them observing me intently for signs of a freak out.

I will tell you , quite proudly, that I did not toss the toad.  Nor did I freak out.  In fact, I calmly held the toad for another couple of minutes – until it released another gallon of pee all over my fingers.  Then I prudently set it down and said, “Well, that’s enough for now.  Why don’t you go chase fireflies?” (to the kids, not the toad.  Although I guess the toad might be interested in eating fireflies, too, but I was a bit too ticked off at him to be giving him meal or entertainment suggestions) and walked quickly to the bathroom to wash my hands.

Well, as quickly as one can walk when your butt cheeks are on fire.

My sister took a picture of me holding the toad.  This is not the picture.  I got this from http://exoticsandmore.blogspot.com/2011/04/species-of-day-american-toad.html

My sister took a picture of me holding the toad. This is not the picture. I got this from http://exoticsandmore.blogspot.com

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Posted on August 8, 2013, in Children, Family, Fashion, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 36 Comments.

  1. I hear granny panties are making a comeback. I’ll remember not to wear a thong next time I go riding. 🙂

  2. Great Tale & I loved the title. Fortunately, I’ve not had that little problem when horseback riding. It’s a guy thing.

  3. African bullfrogs are even more fun. They are the size of a dinner plate and seem to hold twice their volume in pee. Well done on not dropping the thing.

  4. I have learned a lot here, today. You have done a great public service. Thanks.

  5. I hear there’s a cream for that. Please don’t write about it though. No. Nope. Resist, please.

    • There’s a Cream for People Who Wear Thongs when They Horseback Ride?!!!! What an amazing medical miracle! Where can I get this? Are you going to make me Google it? Because I can’t be responsible for the posts that result from that internet investigation…

  6. I think thongs should be avoided in almost all occasions!

  7. ROFL!!!! Hissing cockroaches?

  8. Thanks for the tips! I can’t imagine that was a pleasant ride by the end. 😉

  9. oh my. I am laughing pretty hard over here. this sounds like quite a family reunion what with chafed cracks and toad pee all over. cannot wait for the next post!

  10. As long as we are talking about TMI, I once (and only once) went horseback riding. I had a very spirited horse. I had huge bruises where no one is supposed to have bruises.

  11. Thank you for that vital piece of wardrobe advice. That’s something that just never would have crossed my mind. Then again, the last time I rode a horse, granny panties were actually still in style.

    I did know about the toad pee, though. When I was a kid, toads used to migrate across our yard once a year – for a few hours, the ground would be absolutely hopping with toads of all sizes, and then they’d pretty much disappear for another year. I just love them – they’re so cute!

    • I kind of forgave him the first time; I mean, it’s fair to expect a certain kind of defensive gesture from animals who are suddenly plucked out of their habitat. But, the second time was just overkill.

  12. I will keep all of this in mind if I ever ridse a horse or convince myself to hold a toad

  13. I hate horses. Why do I live in Kentucky? Cuz it’s all about the bourbon. Screw the horses. Horses also pee a lot but not usually in your hand. Unless you are some kind of freak that is.

    • I saw quite a few horses pee during our ride, and I finally understood the expression, “to pi$$ like a racehorse.” Even though our horses were definitely not of the racing variety. I’m pretty sure the toad emitted just as much urine as a horse.

  14. I’m disheartened that you, as a teacher, would claim there were situations where a thong was not appropriate.
    I don’t leave the house in anything but.

    • I can only think of two don’t-wear-a-thong situations: horseback riding and windy days that you wear a skirt. But you really shouldn’t wear a skirt on a windy day anyway. I’m sure you have enough common sense to avoid that, right Guap?

  15. i was once surprised and bullied into a game of tennis while wearing a lace thong in 105 degree heat… i feel your pain!

  16. Ouch! Never would have thought of this.

  17. I am not a mad keen horse-loving-girl because, IMO, ALL horses are like Maverick. I cannot remember the last time I was on a horse.

    Since we are sharing (over-sharing?), I do favour the thong as an under garment because I have a hungry bottom.

    In the event that I ever get on a horse again, I shall remember your advice.

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