I Know EXACTLY How Miley Cyrus Feels
So, you know how you’re looking for your wedding rings in your dog’s poop pen, and you’re thinking, “Gosh, I hope I find them!” But then you’re also thinking, “Gosh, I hope I don’t.” Not only because of the grossness factor, but also because finding them in there means that you were dumb enough to set them down somewhere that your bulldog, Wonderbutt, would eat them, which means you are losing it even more than usual, and also because of the medical implications it might have for Wonderbutt after ingesting a solitaire cut diamond ring which could technically etch glass so probably did not slide through his intestines without causing some kind of damage that would require you to finance the yacht your veterinarian has had his eye on ever since you brought Wonderbutt in for his first checkup.
And then you think how you can blame your husband for the loss of such rings by saying, “Well, this wouldn’t have happened if you would hire a maid like I asked – or at least invest in a water softener.” Because you wouldn’t have to take off your rings so often if you didn’t have to spend all of your time cleaning the toilet with Lime Away. And then you remember that you’ve been meaning to Google Lime Away to see if it damages rings or just makes them look cleaner, too.
While in the midst of the Lime Away Google, you get somewhat sidetracked, and learn that Miley Cyrus recently suffered from a bad case of twerking, which, of course, compels you to learn what twerking is in case you need to add it to one of your Pathophobic Pinterest boards and then you wonder how you have gone this long without noticing that twerking is a thing, but it is not a disease or even a symptom of one. And, speaking of being oblivious about stuff, you wonder how long it would take your husband to notice you aren’t wearing the rings because it’s already been three days and he hasn’t said anything. And you resolve to make this into a psychological experiment as well as a metaphor for your marriage. But then you blurt it out during dinner that you can’t find them because you suck at keeping secrets and, besides, your husband is the Finder in the family – as long as the thing you are trying to find is not a place on a map.
And he gets worried, and you remind him of all of the other things you’ve lost that eventually turned up and even the things other people have lost that eventually turned up – like the wedding band that was wrapped around a carrot. And that does not really comfort him for some reason. Mostly because he has been trying to grow carrots in your backyard ever since you moved into this house, and the squirrels keep eating them.
And because your husband is not really full of sympathy, you seek comfort in typing your frustrations into a blog post on your computer, and you glance down at the floor when you can’t think of anythingelse2say.
And. You. See. Your. Rings.
And you pick them up and do the best twerking exhibition ever – with only Wonderbutt there to appreciate your rhythmic perfection.
And he doesn’t.
Posted on August 28, 2013, in Blogging, Family, Humor, Marriage, Wonderbutt and tagged humor, hypochondria, life, marriage, Miley Cyrus, random, twerking, wonderbutt. Bookmark the permalink. 38 Comments.
I’m so glad you found your rings! And that it didn’t require water softeners or stool softeners. There’s that.
Gosh, I wish I’d thought of the water softener/stool softener connection! Clever!
I marvel at the machinations of your mind…
… I’d also much rather watch you twerk than Miley. Shame your audience was so limited, really. Perhaps an alternative career option?
After Wonderbutt’s reaction I feel slightly discouraged…
If you posted a video of yourself twerking, I am sure all your loyal followers would be both supportive AND offer completely objective feedback…. I know I would.
I think I will wait until I get my official invite to perform at the VMA’s.
You know, I may just make it my personal mission to arrange that JUST to see the video!!!
count me in, I want that video too!!
Twerking autocorrects to tweaking! Ugh I hate made up words. And seriously besides the twerking, what was up with Miley hanging her tongue out of her mouth constantly?
Ps- glad you found your rings!!
I think it’s the only way she could get the rest of her body to move that way!
Whew! Good find. Twerking has just been added into the Webster’s Dictionary. It’s definitely a thing. Selfie, too.
I wonder how difficult it is to take a selfie while twerking.
now to dress up WB as beetlejuice…..glad you found the rings.
Me too, because there was the remote possibility that they were in the Poop Pen *ahem* covered in the World’s Finest Chocolate.
Glad you found them. And REALLY glad you made me laugh.
Would you believe me if I said that I am far happier that I made you laugh than I am that I found the rings (just don’t tell Cap’n Firepants)?
Absolutely rotflmao. Glad you found them. Heard about the Smiley thing, glad people didn’t go blind.
I imagine the same people who watched that also watch “Naked and Afraid.” Little can offend them.
I’m glad you found your rings. I would die if I lost mine, but probably only because I’ve only been married for 2 months.
This is the best article written that mentions the Miley Cyrus thing I’ve seen btw.
I lose important things on a regular basis, so I’ve learned to remain somewhat calm. St. Anthony (saint of lost causes) and I are good pals.
Hmmmm, did he suddenly “lose” his ring when he surreptitiously noticed yours was no longer on your finger? Cause, yes, he noticed.
I didn’t notice 😉
HA! Every time I read your blog I love it!!! You totally crack me up and make me feel like life is a little less stressful than it was before I clicked on whatimeant2say… 🙂
And, just think – if I hadn’t found the rings, you would have been stressed out worrying about the cliffhanger ending to my tale!
Yes, yes I would. 🙂
I had to ask my sister Charlotte was “twerking” was. When she told me, I said, “You. Are. Lying.” But it turns out, she wasn’t! Ack!
Hmm. I wonder if MY sister, Crash, knows what twerking is. That would have been a humorous text conversation between us, I imagine. I shouldn’t rush to Google so fast!
Your posts are always so educational! Off I went to search “twerking”, and I even found the instructional video on YouTube. I suspect my new knowledge will have little practical application, but hey, you never know…
It’s the teacher in me – always eager to impart important pieces of knowledge that I’ve learned accidentally (and wish I hadn’t.)
I wouldn’t be so sure twerking isn’t a symptom of something more serious…
Glad you found the rings though!
(And just to be clear, when you say “your bulldog, Wonderbutt”, can I have a few days to set up insurance before he actually becomes my bulldog?)
(Or maybe you could keep him!)
Unfortunately, according to Wonderbutt, insurance policies do not cover damage by him. Because he is an Act of God. Or, possibly, he is God. Sometimes, I have a hard time translating Wonderbutt’s legalese.
Perhaps that IS Wonderbutt’s “I love it!!!” face. You are awesome! Shouldn’t read you at work though, kinda hard to explain sudden bursts of laughter.
No, I’m pretty sure when he loves something, his ear move up about 1/16 of an inch. There’s a HUGE difference.
oh well I don’t live with him so of course I wouldn’t notice.
This is hilarious! So glad I found your blog!
I have contemplated (more than once) having a duplicate made of every piece of jewelry I own, so I can just make the substitute when I eventually lose it. He’d never know – (except when we needed our retirement money).
More posts of this quylita. Not the usual c***, please
Pingback: Do You Think This Could Work on Eliot Spitzer? | whatimeant2say