I Think I Was Just a Victim of a Complisult

Men, the next time you feel inclined to give a woman a compliment and mention pregnancy in the same sentence – don’t.  I don’t care how staggeringly laudatory the words sound in your head.  Just. Keep. Your. Mouth. Closed.

We all know the old adage, “Don’t ever ask someone when her baby is due even if she looks like she’s pregnant because she may not be.  She may just have an unfortunate deposition of her weight,  and then you look like an idiot and she hates herself and really hates you and it just causes an overall environment of ill-will.” ~ Ben Franklin in Poor Richard’s Almanac (I think I suspect why Richard needed some sympathy – and it wasn’t because he was poverty-stricken.)

But that’s not the only way to get your teeth knocked out.

Let’s just say, for example, you announce to a woman you haven’t seen for three months, “Wow, you don’t look like you just had a baby!”

And she didn’t. Just. Have. A. Baby.

She had a baby exactly 10 years and 8 months ago.

I have it on very good authority that said woman will be slightly confused for a moment, then say, “Thanks.”  You, the man, will walk off feeling quite proud that you just made someone’s day.

Oh, you made it all right.

You made it miserable.

Because the woman then thinks, “What did he mean by that?   Does he say that to every woman he hasn’t seen for three months?  Does he say that to every woman?  I did gain weight over the summer.  So, is he saying I don’t look like I just had a baby because I look like I’m about to have a baby?  Oh. My. God.  That man just called me FAT.  And it’s 7:15 a.m. on the first day of school, and I think I might just need to find a closet somewhere and start crying.”

At least, that’s what I imagine she would be thinking.  I wouldn’t know.

insult1

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Posted on August 30, 2013, in Depression, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.

  1. My first laugh of the morning – wonderful! Surely this situation hasn’t happened to you?

  2. It’s like you pride yourself to be very helpful by giving up your seat to a pregnant lady in the subway/mrt/train. She accepts the seat hesitantly because she is too embarrassed to say she is not pregnant.

  3. Funny delivery, sad experience.

    • I decided to believe that he mistook me for Duchess Kate. Because it’s entirely possible that she would have traveled across the ocean and stationed herself outside an elementary school in Texas on the first day of class to the entering families.

  4. Get the Engilsh teachers to brand those guys with a scarlet “J”.
    For jackass.

  5. A man at a bar once insisted that I was pregnant… Even after I repeatedly tol him that I wasn’t… He even told me I was having a boy, due to how I was “carrying”

    • That exact same man lectured me on the boy I was going to have! But I actually was “carrying” at the time. Just not a boy. He informed me that he had a 100% correct record on his predictions. After I had a girl, I wanted to drive the 4 hours back to Houston just to find him and tell him he was wrong.

  6. How perfect with the blog title. Love the whole thought process haha

  7. Complisult. NOT the way to start off the day! GAH!

    • My only consolation is that I convinced myself he mixed me up with a teacher who was pregnant at the end of the school year – and she happens to be quite attractive. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

  8. We men need to learn just to use head gestures.

  9. I can SO feel your pain on this one! Just not in the exact delivery of the complisult. Men are bitches. (I just went there.) Love the name #Complisult, btw.

    • I wish I could take credit for the word. I thought I saw it on a Google image, but then I refreshed the page and I couldn’t find it. Then I Googled it to try to find the origin, and got all kind of stupid stuff. So I gave up. But there is someone out there who will probably sue me some time in the future, I’m sure.

  10. Hilarious! This has happened to me.

  11. I think you are right – he confused you for someone else (a very attractive someone else at that). but, I think he should also just stick with a simple, “hello” until he is absolutely sure to whom he is talking. my poor hubby has this same habit of opening mouth and inserting foot. I always try to brief him before we greet anyone. i’m sure this guy’s wife (if he has one) would have been mortified.

    • Oh, his wife was right there. He came by and apologized later, so I’m sure she beat him over the head about it. It doesn’t matter. It’s just like the When Harry Met Sally quote, “You can’t take it back. It’s already out there.”

  12. He’s an ass! Or, should that be he’s an arse? I never know with you guys over there in the land of guns and armadillos…

  13. Someone told me recently that they were super excited that we had decided to add to our family (I thought they meant Cal) and they thought I was pregnant again. 😦 wah wah

  1. Pingback: Do You Think This Could Work on Eliot Spitzer? | whatimeant2say

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