If You Hear I Got Arrested for Stalking Martha Stewart, You’ll Know Why

We made the difficult decision this week to move my mother-in-law into a Memory Care unit.  None of us are happy about it.  But when someone insists on going to bed in a room that isn’t hers and starts storing her socks in the freezer, it’s pretty clear that independent living no longer suits her.

At least it’s clear to the supposed “experts.”  I’m not so sure.

The thing is, my mother-in-law discovered, several years ago, a curling iron that I had put in the freezer.  So, I feel like I’m one bed hop away from my own memory care incarceration and I certainly don’t have room to judge.  However, the place where she is living administered a quiz to my mother-in-law that apparently assesses one’s need for more assistance and it, surprisingly, did not include any questions about the proper place to store your socks or your hair appliances.

“What did they ask her?” I asked my husband.

“The date.  She didn’t know.”

Oh geez.  Half the time I don’t know the date either.  I have to ask my students or the lady at the dry cleaners when I’m writing a check at 4:00 in the afternoon.

“What city she lives in.  She knew the state, but not the city.”

Well, I do know that.  But I’ve lived here for 25 years (she’s only been here 2 years).  And if you ask my Kindergartners what city they live in, they will tell you anything from Canada to Paris.  I don’t see any of them getting stuck in a memory care unit.

“They asked her to fold a piece of paper a certain way and she did that perfectly.”

Oh. My. God.  I’ve watched videos on how to fold a fitted bed sheet 10000 times and I still can’t do it right.  And now they want me to do origami?

That’s 2 out of 3 questions I would have bombed.  So, basically, I would have scored the same on the quiz as my mother-in-law.

Please don’t tell these people I lost my wedding rings last week, then found them on the floor by my feet,  or that I punched the play button on our home answering machine this afternoon and did not recognize my own voice leaving  a message that I thought I was leaving on my husband’s cell phone voice mail until I replayed the stupid thing twice.

As long as I refuse to answer any questions and stay out of the freezer, I think I’m good for another couple of years.

But I’m going to learn how to fold a fitted bed sheet if it’s the last thing I do before my dementia diagnosis.  And I know exactly the person who can teach me…



Posted on September 14, 2013, in Aging, Family, Humor, Memory Loss, MILlie and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 34 Comments.

  1. Just make sure you pay your taxes, please SSFAM. I love our correspondence, but it may be stretching the friendship to visit you in the clink…

  2. oh, this post is so funny. thanks for making a difficult subject funny. this is just what I needed. and, p.s.: I have watched that stupid Martha stewart a million times and still can’t fold the g%& da&* sheet.

  3. Having both referred to the telephone as a ‘hoodie’, then having called my friend Nicole ‘Gabbie’ today, your story struck a chord. Keep reintroducing yourself to me if we end up in the same ward!

  4. We’re going through this, with my Grandma, right now as well… It’s hard to see this woman, who was once the matriarch of our family… now with the mentality of a toddler. 😦 I don’t understand why these things happen… and it makes me scared that it could happen to me, in the future…

  5. Does anyone fold a fitted sheet like Martha Stewart? I equate folding those suckers with several attempts at knitting. With either, my hands are wound progressively tighter until I can’t move. Hardly seems worth it.
    Bless you as you struggle with family stuff. It’s always the most difficult. 💟

  6. They gave me that memory test at the hospital after my knee surgery. I guess they needed to see if the anesthesiologist was asleep on the job. One of the tasks was to count backward from 100…. BY SEVENS! Really?? OK. “93……………” Nothing! The regrouping got too complicated after that. Is there a care unit for people who just can’t do the math??

  7. I’m still trying to figure out why the elevator door didn’t open when I pushed the door button on my car key..!! LoL
    (I just roll-up the bed sheet.. along with Martha’s lessons)

  8. I set the table for breakfast this morning – twice. But bedsheets are never a problem – I pull them off the bed, put them in the washer and then the dryer (in that order) – and then I put them back on the bed. I haven’t folded a sheet in seven years.

    • Well, that’s two more times than I set the table today. So far I’ve managed to make it through breakfast and lunch without setting the table. Maybe I should use one of the fitted sheets as a tablecloth.

  9. I got it. I’ll know how to fold a fold a folded sheet when I get dementia since I’ve tried a hundred times and I never get it right.

  10. Sorry about your mother-in-law. I’ve tried so hard to learn how to fold a fitted bed sheet and I get it until step 3 when you have to flip it inside out and it just makes no sense.

  11. I had to do a brain function test and bragged the whole time about how good I was at math while getting every question wrong. I had no idea until I got the results – the doctor administering the test just kept nodding at me like “oh yeah, you’re GREAT at this’. I’m not allowed near our banking or tax forms. Score!

  12. I can help you with the sheet folding!! Do what I do! Wad them up in a ball and throw them in the linen closet.

  13. Really good post! But sad for the move. 😦 p.s. I would have got the same score you would have!

  14. I’ve heard some women orgasm over Martha’s origami. Some things are better seen than heard. *grin*

  15. Similar thing happened to my mother in law. Here is the key. You have to know who the president is! She said Eisenhower and she was doomed.

  16. Absolutely NO ONE needs to see how I fold my sheets. I’m not sure it’s really considered folding. Rolling maybe. They just get put on the bed anyway, right?

    Sorry about your mother-in-law.

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