ALWAYS Have an Exit Strategy

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, has been trying very hard to run away from his own butt lately.  He suddenly leaps up, looks at his rear end, and then races around the house, screeching to a halt in random locations, and sitting down hard.  Then he tries to bite whatever is bothering him back there, and generally topples over because dogs shaped like fat sausages just can’t do that kind of contortion.  This picture shows Wonderbutt following one of his desperate attempts to elude his bottom, at the end of which he barged into Dimples’ bedroom where Cap’n Firepants was relaxed on the floor reading to her with a blanket over his legs.  Wonderbutt charged underneath the blanket, then whirled around and glared at everyone from underneath – apparently blaming us for his disobedient derriere.


But enough about him.  Let’s talk about me.

The other day, I was getting ready for work, and decided to wear a dress that I hadn’t worn in awhile.  I vaguely recalled that it had a zipper on the side, but my fumbling didn’t find one, so I decided to pull the dress over my head.  Of course it got stuck.  That happens to me a lot.  But this time I could not wiggle my way out of it in either direction.  The more I tried, the more stuck I became.  What’s worse is that I realized during my struggles that there was a zipper on the dress – and it was very decidedly zipped.  Which made me feel a bit less fat but a lot more blind.

The sight of myself in the closet mirror made me panic further.  Cap’n Firepants was in the shower.  There was no way I was going to let him see me like that.  There are just some things you can never unsee.  And I certainly couldn’t let my daughter see it either.  I only had one option.

I tiptoed to the bathroom and got the nail scissors out.  This was no easy feat considering that my arms were strait-jacketed to my sides.  Even more challenging was cutting the dress.  But a shot of adrenalin made this an easy task when I heard the shower water turn off.

Unlike Wonderbutt, I can’t blame my butt for my wild dance around the room; the dress never even made it to that region of my body.  Nope.  Just my own stupidity and lack of planning.

From now on, I’m going to take a cue from my dog.  If I’m going to insert my uncooperative body into a piece of fabric, I’m going to make sure there is an easy way out.

Either that, or I need to perfect that glare that lets everyone know that the fact I look ridiculous is entirely and completely your fault, not mine.


Posted on October 10, 2013, in Dogs, Fashion, Humor, Wonderbutt and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. It sounds like you were trapped like James Franco in 127 Hours, lucky you didn’t lose a limb.

  2. I’m still giggling. I have done that more times than I will admit to in print – struggled into a dress part way and then, with no exit strategy, had to cut myself free from the straitjacket with a tiny nail scissors (which is the only size that fits into the space), which, as you pointed out, is no small feat when your arms are nailed firmly to your sides. Yikes! Men simply would not understand the dilemma…sigh

  3. I’ve given up on dignity entirely and have decided to perfect the glare. It’s just easier.

  4. That’s like me when I try to take off one of those exercise shirts with the built in bra.

  5. I was going to write some cute and clever comment but then I saw Aja’s and have to say I am in total aggrement with her. Is there a secret to those?!?

  6. I got stuck in a store dressing room with a fitness bra stuck half way off- pinning my arms over my head. I thought I was going to have to walk out with my boobies sticking out and ask the dressing room guard to help me escape. I finally managed to wriggle out myself. I was exhausted. I will never wear a fitness bra. I’m not fit enough.

  7. Either way, learn the glare.
    It may be the only thing that can stop WB!

  8. Stuck in a dress is one of my worst nightmares. The only help I have around here is Cupcake, and unless I get stuck with a handful of treats, I’m screwed.

  9. I was a little concerned this post was leading to Wonderbutt getting stuck in your dress. But you can be sure the fumes would knock you out and your limp body would slither right out.

  10. Always have a back-up plan!!! Even if it’s only used for backing up.

  11. I’ve put on clothing with those stupid side (hidden) zippers before and ripped right through the clothing. now, I make more of an effort not to buy clothes like that.

  12. O bless him!! Glad it doesn’t just happen to me, however the worst is when you do it in a changing room of a shop, when shopping alone!!

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