It’s Like Driving Miss Daisy – Except She’s a He and in the Front Seat. And Her Butt is Thirty Times Larger than Her Head.

So, you know how you open the pantry door and take out the leash, and your dog dances the happy dance and practically trips you as he races to the front door?  And then he sighs loudly as you wander around the house looking for your keys?  And then he starts whining and barking at you when you tell him to wait a second because you lost your phone and he lets loose a barrage of doggie expletives because you are wasting precious time interrogating everyone in the household?  And then you finally get to the point where you can open the door, but you can’t because he has wedged himself in front of it to make absolutely sure that you don’t leave without him?  So, you have to pull the door open and slide him across the floor until he realizes that the moment of departure has finally arrived?  And then, he races out the door and you yell at him to wait and to stop running because he has a broken knee?

And he does.  Wait, I mean.

By the car door.

Because he does not want to go for a walk.

He wants to go for a ride.

Chauffeured by you.

And even though it’s raining and cold and you have absolutely nowhere to take him, you feel sorry for the poor guy who, despite his torn ligaments, has been dancing by the front door every time you put on your shoes for the last three days.  So, you let him jump on to the passenger seat and you ignore his muddy feet, and you ignore the seat belt beeper that warns you that someone more than 35 pounds is sitting next to you, and you ignore the fact that you should not be rewarding a dog who ate your book of strategies for winning Scrabble out of pure spite for anything that takes your attention away from him.

You drive your silly dog to the neighborhood nearby where the houses are far from the road, so maybe no one will notice that you are on a joyride with your bulldog.  And you slow down to let him watch deer grazing in the yards.  You even roll down the window so he can inform the deer that they better watch out because, if he feels like it, he’s going to heave his 60 pounds through that window and plop onto the ground and then there will be trouble.

And then you move on.

After wandering around for about fifteen minutes, you finally pull back into your own driveway.  Your dog lumbers out of the car slowly.  He follows you to the front door.  Exploring the neighborhood on his own four paws holds no appeal.  As soon as you get inside, he sprawls out on the floor with a sigh.

You can’t tell if it’s a sigh of contentment or disappointment.

But at least he won’t be eating any more books any time soon.

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