Category Archives: Dogs

Some Seek Asylum While Others Should BE in an Asylum

Wonderbutt, my bulldog, has been listening to NPR too much today.  The Snowden case is freaking him out.

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Wonderbutt trying not to look guilty...

Wonderbutt – worried that his leaks have opened him up to prosecution.

Another Reason Not to Buy Your Bulldog an iPhone

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, has been reading far too much lately.  I knew I shouldn’t have shown him how to follow Yahoo’s pet posts on the internet.

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Sure - this dog fits in my lap.  Whether I want him to or not.

Sure – this dog fits in my lap. Whether I want him to or not.

Let’s Face It. You Will Probably See this Exact Post Again at the Beginning of August.

So, the summer is almost over and I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished.

Christmas gifts – none made.

Re-aquaintance with friends I haven’t seen during the entire school year – nope.

Closets – still a mess.

Novel – unwritten.

Weight – not lost.

New recipes – unlearned and uncooked.

On the upside, though…

Christmas gifts – none needed if I don’t ever get in touch with any friends again.

Closets – great excuse to continue to un-write my novel.

Weight – none gained while not eating the new recipes that I didn’t cook.

I blame my lack of productivity on Wonderbutt who, frankly, is not a very motivational presence with his habit of following me into every room, collapsing onto the floor, and snoring and farting contentedly while I try to focus and remember why I walked into the room in the first place before I succumb to the fumes that are partly my fault because I didn’t read the text from my husband that he had already fed Wonderbutt this morning – until it was too late.

Plus, he (Wonderbutt, not my husband) completely ruined my plans for today by yanking my blanket off the bed so he could nap on it, resulting in an unscheduled extra load of laundry and a complicated calculation of what time the blanket could go in the washing machine still leaving me time to run the dishwasher (which, of course, cannot be run concurrently), and what time the blanket would be able to go in the dryer so that I would still have it in time for bed.  And when, precisely, was I going to take a shower?  Because having a clean blanket would be kind of a waste if I just pulled it on top of my unclean, Wonderbutt-licked-with-affection legs and arms when I went to bed.

You can see what I’m up against.  Lucky for you, you can’t smell it…

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If You’re Not Going to Do it Right, Then Don’t Bother Doing It At All

In the true spirit of my lapsed Catholicism, I declared yesterday to be a “Whole Day of No Obligation“.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular holiday, I think it’s high time you get with the program.  You probably won’t go to Hell if you foolishly disregard it, but you might as well be in Hell for all of the enjoyment you’re probably getting out of life.

WDNO’s are not on any calendar – yet – so you can just announce your own.  However, now that I’ve celebrated more than a few, I think you might be wise to consider my advice before you institute your own WDNO willy-nilly.

1.  Decide on the date of your WDNO at least two days ahead of time.  A spontaneous WDNO may sound like a great idea – until you realize at 10 AM that your annual gynecological appointment was scheduled for that day and it will be another 6 months before they can fit you in and you will be charged $100 for not canceling your appointment 24 hours in advance.

2.  Announce the date of your WDNO to all family and friends who may be involved.  Again, this should be done ahead of time.  This will allow them to prepare for your emotional absence on that date.  Clearly explain that, while they may be able to see you as you lounge around the house doing whatever you want, they will not be allowed to request any service from you.  Nothing.  They will be completely on their own for 24 hours.

3.  Delegate chores.  Or not.  It’s kind of fun to watch everyone come to the sudden realization that you are actually not going to put the wet clothes that were left in the washing machine the night before into the dryer so that they will be ready for the party that you are not going to drive them to at 3:00.

4.  DO NOT FALL FOR ANY ATTEMPTS TO FOOL YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING OUT OF OBLIGATION!!!!  If so, your WDNO is considered forfeited and you must start all over again on another day.  This includes, but is not exclusive to:  killing cockroaches that suddenly fall on your ten year old daughter in the shower, opening pickle jars, getting off the couch and unlocking the door for your husband who claims he forgot his key, and cleaning poop off of your dog’s foot so it does not get all over the house.

5.  Once you have had one or two successful WDNO’s, the rest of the family is bound to think this is a good idea.  Obviously, (especially if you have pets or infants), not everyone can celebrate a WDNO on the same day.  Not so obviously, however, they should not be celebrated on simultaneous days.  Here is why:  if your child/spouse celebrates WDNO the day before you, you will spend your own WDNO steaming because there are things you must command your child to do, but you cannot because that would be doing something you feel obligated to do.   However, if your child/spouse celebrates the day after you do, you will be so rejuvenated that you will want to get a lot done and you will have no one to order around to do it for you.

What should you do on a Whole Day of No Obligation?  Whatever you want, but are not required to do.  I read books, play on my computer, sleep an unspeakable number of hours, and read books again.

My bulldog, Wonderbutt, is completely on board with the sleeping part of the agenda.  In fact, you could probably consult any household pet for the best way to spend a Whole Day of No Obligation.  They have thousands of years of practice.

 

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Wonderbutt hiding from his obligations

Wonderbutt being forced to confront the real world

Wonderbutt being forced to confront the real world

 

Actually, We Don’t Read Any Books for Our “Book Club” Either

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, seemed a bit miffed last night when I squeezed out the front door without him on my way to my monthly Book Club meeting.  My suspicions were confirmed when he texted me in the middle of my dinner.

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Mother’s Day – Otherwise Known as “Maybe This will Absolve Me of My Guilt Day”

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Am I the Only Person in Texas Who Doesn’t Know How to Plop a Patty?

It all comes from deciding not to go to the Goat Barbecue and Craft Fair.

I don’t know what got into me. I read the blurb for this amazing event in the Sunday newspaper, and thought, “That has got to be the coolest name for anything. Ever.” And I mean, anything. Like the name of the new band I’m going to start with Jon Stewart. Or the bookstore I’m going to open in my garage. If David Sedaris can explore diabetes with owls, I don’t see why I can’t spend an afternoon embroidering a lamp shade with a goat while eating some juicy ribs.

I have to admit, though, that I was a bit confused about the goat’s part in all of this. Is the goat doing the barbecuing and the crafting? Or are the goats being barbecued? If so, is that before or after they make a craft? And, most importantly, how do you train a goat to make the Alamo out of Popsicle sticks without the goat actually consuming it?

I could have discovered the answers to all of these riveting questions if I had chosen to make an actual appearance at the Goat Barbecue and Craft Fair. But, as tempting as it sounded, I couldn’t convince myself that anything was better than hanging around the house morbidly depressed. Even the “cow patty plop” didn’t persuade me. Though it did bring up more questions…

So, instead, I stayed home. My daughter, who was bored, got herself invited to a friend’s neighborhood pool. The friend’s mom decided not to make an appearance at the pool, so I waited for her with our bulldog, Wonderbutt, in tow. Not surprisingly, Wonderbutt fell in the pool and almost drowned because, stupidly, I had not brought his life jacket along on what I assumed to be a Drop-Off-And-Drive-Away situation.

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Now, if you would have asked me who would be more resentful about this whole experience, I would have laid odds on the daughter, who got yanked back home when her friend’s mother took too long to return to three unchaperoned girls at an unlifeguarded pool. Instead, it’s Wonderbutt who isn’t speaking to me.

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Being spurned by an obese bulldog is even more depressing than the thought of eating barbecued goat.

This was the chain of events I began to relate to my doctor the next day as evidence that he probably needed to change my medication – again.

He stopped me at “cow patty.”

It’s kind of scary how little convincing was needed to persuade him to write out a new prescription.

Exactly How Many Calories are There in Styrofoam?

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, seems a bit put out lately – possibly because we have been restricting his food intake the last couple of weeks.  Note that I said, “food intake”.  If you know anything about the history of Wonderbutt, you won’t be surprised to learn that his intake of everything but food has not decreased at all.  You can see from the widget on the left that he has miraculously made it almost a year without devouring our new living room furniture – but I’m not sure his self-control will last much longer.

It’s hard to explain to a dog why you are feeding him less, and that binging on beds with no nutritional value is not a healthy habit.

Wonderbutt's bed, yet another one of our wise investments

Wonderbutt’s bed, yet another one of our wise investments

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Like I said, it's hard to explain.

Like I said, it’s hard to explain.

What You Can Do While You Wait For Your Daughter to Become the Next Synchronized Swimming Champion

We were out of town at a synchronized swimming competition this weekend and I am absolutely exhausted from trying to mark time between my daughter’s performances.  So, I gift you with this wonderful motivational poster that I made with a new app I downloaded.  Feel free to share and make it the newest internet meme.  Just make sure you give Wonderbutt the credit he deserves.  He’ll eat your sofa cushions if you don’t.

Motivational_Poster-App

It Turns Out that it is Slightly Difficult to See With Egg on Your Face

Wonderbutt with egg on his face...

Wonderbutt with egg on his face…

Happy Easter one day late from the Firepants Family.  I would show you more photos, but someone forgot to put the memory stick back in the camera and didn’t realize it until the Easter Egg Hunt was completely over.  Yes, it was me.  And yes, that wasn’t the first, second, or third time that has happened.  We have many memories of photos I thought I took from over the years.

Wonderbutt had a smashing Easter.  He was completely enthralled with the giant egg the Easter Bunny brought Dimples.

Wonderbutt fans will know that when he finds a toy that he really likes, he gets a bit protective and takes it out to his Poop Pen. This is where kitchen towels and Girl Scout cookie boxes go to die.  Dimples did not find this to be an acceptable location for her egg.

Once we got him back inside, Dimples problem solved, and came up with a way to “reject” any more of Wonderbutt’s attempts to escape with his plastic egg. With an egg on his face, however, Wonderbutt was not aware of his new boundary until he rammed into it.

Yep, this is how the Firepants Family celebrates Easter.

Good times.

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