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December’s Dead Rubber Post

I had every intention for this to be one of my best posts ever.  It was going to include very few words, a slight number of photos, and a lot of video footage.  The subject of this media extravaganza was to be Wonderbutt’s reaction to the Clownfish Air Swimmer that Cap’n Firepants bought Dimples for her birthday.

Wonderbutt’s acts of defiance know no bounds.  While he was confined to the kitchen during the rather lengthy construction of the Air Swimmer (the “greatest present ever!” according to Dimples), Wonderbutt chose to use his time to demolish a kitchen towel we had foolishly left within his reach.

Wonderbutt Has No Christmas Spirit


This lack of respect toward a mere piece of linen led us to believe that our Clownfish, appropriately named Mike, could easily suffer the same fate or worse.  Since we were not interested in Wonderbutt filleting our fish, we made certain Wonderbutt had little freedom in the presence of the great beast.

Finally, once remote control of the fish had been somewhat mastered, we felt that we could allow Wonderbutt to have some supervised playtime in the same room.  Anticipating great hijinks, I armed myself with a still camera and a video camera in order to historically preserve Wonderbutt’s reaction to the menacing animal prowling the skies above him.

He didn’t give a flip.

Wonderbutt Yawns Nonchalantly as Mike the Clownfish Approaches


Instead, Wonderbutt went immediately to the spot from which Cap’n Firepants was remotely controlling the fish, and sat there glaring at the Cap’n.  He paid no mind to the fish, even when the Cap’n took the risk of directing the balloon to the point where it was almost on top of the bulldog.

The Remote Control Has More to Fear than Mike the Clownfish

My hopes of our YouTube video of “Wonderbutt and Mike Engaged in a Duel” going viral were dashed.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

So, I am choosing to make this my December Dead Rubber Post, which means it is my monthly Opt Out of Putting any Major Effort into My Writing Because I Have Nothing Notable to Report.

I will attempt to have a more interesting life tomorrow.


Do Not Hire Me to Be Your Personal Shopper

Apparently, I never learn.  Or I’m very stubborn.  Cap’n Firepants would definitely nod his head vigorously to the latter.   Of course, he’s the source of my frustration right now, so he has no right to be assassinating my character.

Cap’n Firepants usually leaves birthday shopping to me.  Our beautiful daughter, Dimples, has her special day this week.  So, I, the forward thinking, obsessive compulsive wacko mom that I am, have been stacking up gifts for her for awhile.

The day before the day before her birthday (actually the night before the day before – 10:00 p.m., to be precise), the Cap’n casually questioned whether he needed to contribute anything to the Big Day.  I noted to him that I had pretty much bought her just about everything on her list except for rats and a 200-piece Crayola art case.  As he is disinclined to allow her to become a rodent owner, I suggested that if he was determined to put some of his own physical effort into the Big Day, he could roll on down to Toys r Us the next day and buy her the art case which was prominently featured with stars and hearts encircling it on her list.

After he Googled the nearest Toys r Us to his office, and I e-mailed him the exact specifications of the art case, as no substitutes would do, the plan was set.

The next afternoon, Cap’n Firepants texted me that he had dutifully made the trip to Toys r Us.

“I bought her the Clownfish Air Swimmer,” he texted.

Fortunately, there were no students in my classroom in the moment (which there wouldn’t be since I never check my phone while I’m teaching anyway), as I think I may have mumbled a few not-so-appropriate words when I read his text.

Allow me to digress for a moment.  Trust me, it relates.

Readers of this blog during the last month or so might recall my three-part series regarding the X-box Kinect Debacle of last Christmas.  It’s full of drama and suspense, so I highly recommend it.

I concluded the story with my great idea for this year’s joint Christmas gift for the Cap’n and Dimples – an Air Swimmer – THE hot toy this season.  (If you haven’t seen the video for this, you must.  It’s highly amusing.)  Anticipating the run on this puppy fish that would occur once everyone’s shopping got into full swing (and once my multitude of readers read that day’s post), I made sure that I ordered and received the gift way, way, way ahead of time. It’s been sitting in my closet for almost a year – O.K., well maybe a month.

I had already made plans with the guys at work to fill it up with helium for me and do a few test runs so I could scare the bejesus out of Dimples and the Cap’n on Christmas morning.  Wonderbutt’s reaction would be an added bonus.

And with one short text, Cap’n Firepants had let the helium out of my balloon.

I know.  I know.  Blah, blah, blah.  Why does it matter that she’s getting it a little earlier, and that the Cap’n is the Surpriser instead of a Surprisee?  Don’t lecture me on the Spirit of the Season and thoughts that count and all of the other clichés that come to mind.  I realize that there are children starving in Third World countries and that me whining about this is like a teenager whose day life is destroyed by a pimple in the middle of her forehead big toe and it’s not even sandal season.

I get it.  Big Deal.

Apparently, I am not Nostradamus because:

A.  The Air Swimmer has not even come close to being sold out


2.  It is now cheaper than it was when I first bought it.

This means I will not be Craig’s Listing this rip-roaring redundant brand new toy.  And giving it to Dimples and the Cap’n anyway is not an option either because, way before Christmas rolls around (probably in the next week, I’m guessing), they are going to be sick of Air Swimmin’.

So, creative People – you got a suggestion?  Let me have it.

Air Swimmer Getting Tanked Up by Cap'n Firepants

Who Wants to Butcher the Balloon? I Do! I Do!


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