Decisions, Decisions

If your child is not a Rainbow Loom fanatic, then you are truly missing out.  Just about every kid I know, boys and girls, are carrying around cases of miniature rubber bands and looming like crazy whenever they have a spare moment.  The other day, I kid you not, a group of girls created a Rainbow Loom jump-rope during recess time.

Finding a birthday gift that is Rainbow Loom-related these days should be easy.  The problem is trying to find something the kid wants, but doesn’t have.  So, I was thrilled to discover this book on Amazon that seems to be difficult to find.  There’s two sellers, though.  Which one do you think I should choose?

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If Jeff Bezos was in Charge of the Affordable Health Care Website…

The other day, I got a 59 cent refund from Amazon.com.  I didn’t even ask for the refund.  They just sent it to me.  Something about a book I pre-ordered and the price changing after they sent it.

My experience with Amazon has been pretty good.  Other than the time they wrapped my nephew’s birthday gift in Happy Hannukah paper, I can’t say that I have any complaints.  I’ve got to admit, I’m pretty impressed with a bazillion dollar global company that makes it a point to give me back my 59 cents.

So, I was thinking about how life would be different if Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, was brought in to fix the Affordable Health Care Website.  I mean, this man knows how to take care of a lot of people at once all over the globe.  Surely he could figure out how to manage health care for hundreds of thousands of people in one measly country.

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that Jeff Bezos is the man for the job.  So, here is my list of features that you would find on the Bezos version of the Affordable Health Care site.  I’ll let you decide if they would be improvements or not…

Once you sign up (which would, of course, be remarkably simple):

• You would be welcomed, by NAME, every time you visit the site.
• Relevant doctors would be recommended to you based on your recent search history.
• Every doctor would have his or her own page, and there would be customer reviews.
• You can search for doctors by price, customer review, or average appointment wait time.
• Place procedures in your Shopping Cart, and wait for notification that the price has gone down so you can snatch up the better deal. (Hooray – now I can get that kidney transplant I’ve had my eye on for awhile!)
• Choose a doctor, and then see the other physicians patients have visited after that one.  Does that proctologist have a disturbingly high number of patients who subsequently end up at a different proctology office?  Since that isn’t really the kind of experience you want to repeat, you might want to choose a different doctor…
• People can bestow Medical Gift Cards upon you.  (I’ve been noticing you need that mole removed.  Here’s a gift card for that.)
• You can put desired medical procedures on a Wish List, and people can gift them to you for your birthday.  (Thanks, Uncle Fred!  I’ve been needing that colonoscopy for awhile!)

I’m sure my brilliant readers can think of many other advantages to Amazon HealthCare.  You should definitely list them in the comments below.  Just like Amazon, I value customer feedback!

But don’t expect any refunds from me.

You Can Probably Get the Gist of this By Just Reading the Last Letter

I would like to thank all of the people of the world for their lovely alternative visual interpretations of the word “package” that I found in yet another Google search that induced temporary blindness.
photo credit: kairin via photopin cc

In Which I Write a Very Assertive Letter

Dear Amazon,

I recently checked the status of my orders, and noticed that one of them is labelled as “Delivered” even though I have not received it.  It is order number 123456782, and I would like to know how to rectify this situation.  This item is meant to be a Christmas gift, and can only be purchased online.  My daughter will be completely heartbroken if this present is not under the tree, and I will hold you personally responsible for the miserable day our entire family will experience while she cries her eyes out after realizing this gift is missing.  I do not understand how you can label a package as having been delivered when it clearly was NOT delivered.  What kind of shady organization are you running over there?

An Extremely Disappointed,

Mrs. Cap’n Firepants

In Which Amazon, Obviously Fearful of My Wrath, Responds

Hello, Mrs. Cap’n Firepants:

I’m sorry this package never arrived and you had to contact us. I completely understand your disappointment. That’s definitely not what we want our customers to experience.

At this point, we can only presume that the package was lost during shipping. I sincerely apologize for this.

We do our best to ensure that all orders leave our fulfillment centers as soon as possible to be delivered within the delivery date estimated when you place your order, but occasionally a shipment may be lost by circumstances beyond our control.

I’m forwarding your experience with USPS  to our shipping department–I know they’ll want to hear about your experience. We’re aware that our choice of delivery services reflects on our business as a whole, and we appreciate your feedback.

I’ve checked your order and see the item was ordered from DIP ‘N DIVE , a seller on our website. Because DIP ‘N DIVE ‘s inventory is constantly changing, we can’t replace items sold by them that are Fulfilled by Amazon.

I’ve requested a refund of $9.02 to your Credit card.

You’ll see the refund on your Master Card statement in the next 2-3 business days.

As this was an inconvenience caused to you while shopping at Amazon.com, I’d suggest you to place the new order with One-day shipping and write back to us with the order number so that we’ll either waive of or refund the shipping charges on the new order.

Please make sure that you place an order with Amazon or any seller which is labeled as, “Fulfilled by Amazon”, so that we can modify or make any further changes to the order. If you place the order with any third party seller then we won’t be able to change the shipping charges on the order.

If we can be of further assistance, you can reply directly to this e-mail.

Thanks for your patience and understanding. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

Thank you for your inquiry.

Best Regards,

A.J.

In Which I Lose My Online Shopping Privileges

Dear Amazon,

Thank you for your prompt and considerate response regarding my $9 purchase.  Wow, you guys are quick.

So, I was wondering, hypothetically, how you would feel if I mentioned that, right before I received your apology and promise of a refund PLUS free, one-day shipping, I walked into my closet, and found the package to which I was referring sitting on one of my shelves?  And, hypothetically,  I wondered at that moment how the heck U.S.P.S. got into the corner of my closet without me having to even sign anything.  And I then remembered that I was the one who put the package on my shelf because I wanted to hide it from my daughter, and I also remembered telling myself at the time not to forget that I had put the package on the shelf.  “But it’s right there next to your box of bras, so of course you aren’t going to forget,” I chided myself.  Because I do wear a bra every day.  And it sat there for 6 days until I happened to notice that my Amazon account said it was delivered.  And it obviously wasn’t.  But it was.  And I thought about saying that my husband must have picked up the package and stuck it on my side of the closet without telling me.  But that didn’t make a lot of sense.  Because he never goes in my side of the closet.  And, somewhat more to the point, surely, after 6 days of retrieving bras from my bra box I would have noticed there was a package standing right next to it.  That I had not put there.  But I did not notice it.  Even though I put it there.  Which was a better hiding place, in my estimation, than the refrigerator, which really only works for small things that are not sensitive to cold.  So, there you go.  Hypothetically, of course.  Just wondering what you would do in that situation.

Thanks for your patience and understanding. I look forward to seeing(?) you again soon, too.  As long as you are not a stalker.

Amazon Rocks!

Your very loyal customer,

Mrs. Cap’n Firepants

You Will Avoid Huge Ships if You Sit on a Wood Toilet Seat in China Listening to Your David Hufflepuff C.D.

I want to thank all of the people who keep me from doing stupid things.  At least, they keep me from doing more stupid things than I might do if it weren’t for their input.  These people, namely the people who review products on the internet, are my heroes.

As we catapult into the holiday season, and I start doing my on-line shopping, I find myself eternally grateful for the invisible cyber shoppers everywhere who add their two cents to virtually every product available.  For example, I would have bought the new Harry Potter Kinect game for Dimples if it weren’t for Nathaniel, who left this grammatically incorrect, but insightful comment on Amazon, “me and my wife had really high hopes for this game after seeing the trailer and couldnt wait to get it. this game was a tragic fail.”  Even though Krazzy4Harry seemed to have mostly good things to say, it appeared that he was one of the very few who felt that his wizarding experience was satisfactory.  Cross that one off the list.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I found a wonderful bit of praise from bookwormgeekgirl for a David Hasselhoff c.d. that makes me wonder if I should get that for a stocking stuffer for Dimples instead:  ” I can see now why J.K. Rowling named one of her houses “Hufflepuff” — David Hufflepuff is clearly a master artist of our time.”

I was about to stick that gem of a gift in my shopping cart until I read this alternative point of view from hotshot, “I now own three CD’s “looking for – Best of David Hasselhof (which is an import – i.e. I imported it from elsewhere) David Hasselhof – The very best” and “The best of David Hasselhof” I also own a table, a chair, a tea set left to me by my gran, a curtain, three pair of underpants, a small fridge that doen not work, a black and white television, a bicycle pump, a shirt, two pairs of grey trousers, a tin of sweetcorn and a hedgehog shaped shoe scraper. I own a knife a fork and a coffee cup, a tie (black) a pair of odd socks and a pair of matched socks, one cassette of calming sounds designed to help me stop smoking (I have never smoked) a newspaper from june 1987, a carrier bag from the co-op, a plastic wallet in which I keep my bus pass and any money I ever obtain through whatever means (usually favours to desperate men), a towel, a bar of imperial leather dating from 1996 and a pair of brown shoes.  I think when I get a cd player I will like this album most out of all of my posessions because the reviews of it are so good.  If I ever have any more possessions I will try to let you know.”

I like the detail that hotshot included in his review, so I’m going to wait until he gets a cd player before I jump to any conclusions about this c.d.  Maybe I’ll put it on the list for next year.

Unfortunately, I do not have enough in my holiday budget to purchase the highly rated book, How to Avoid Huge Ships. $339.56  seems a bit steep for a book, even though it is new.  After reading the reviews, I am convinced that my sister, Crash, would greatly benefit from this book.  One avid reader wrote, “I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!”  It’s too bad that Crash and I promised not to get each other gifts this year.  If she gets hit by a huge ship in 2013, I’m going to feel very guilty.

I would like to point out that the above book is not nearly as pricey as the coveted The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China, which currently retails (in paperback) for $495, and is eligible for Free Shipping.  According to Sybilla Goodall, this book is “Even Better Than 50 Shades of Grey”, which says it all right there.  Coincidentally, since 2008, I have been extremely worried about the prospect for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China, and if there is anyone out there who cares an iota for my well-being, you would do well to stick this under the tree with my name on it.  Then, maybe, I’d finally be able to stop taking my anti-anxiety medication once and for all.

Uranium Ore would make a great stocking stuffer for Dimples. She can finally develop the super powers she has always wanted.  For more holiday gift ideas, you may want to check out this fabulous list curated by Shannon at Amazon 😉

I Should Be Committed

Look very carefully at the above Amazon description of the Kinect Star Wars game.  I saw this last year, when I was stalking Xbox Kinect games to add to the gift that I expected to place under the tree, then almost didn’t have under the tree, then almost had too many of under the tree.

So, if you have the amazing powers of perception that all of my readers possess (I’m sorry if you had to use a magnifying glass), you may have noticed that this game is predicted to be released in December.  Of 2012.

I almost clicked on the pre-order button last November, 2010, before I realized the calendar year that was involved.  Then, I figured it had to be some sort of typo.  So, I kept checking back, periodically, to see if it had been corrected.  Well, if it is a typo, it’s been on their site for over a year.

I would like to meet the people who pre-order a game 2 YEARS IN ADVANCE!  I mean, I guess there isn’t really any sacrifice involved, but still, do you realize the kind of Commitment you are making here?

What if Wonderbutt eats your Kinect console, or your stupid HD T.V. that your husband insisted on buying you for your birthday 2 years ago even though you had never once said you wanted one, in fact declared the opposite, even when he kept saying how great they were every time you walked through Best Buy?

What if you die because you got locked in a port-a-potty for 10 days and nights and you refused to drink the skanky water, and everyone forgets to cancel your credit card, and your poor family gets a Kinect game that you ordered two years in advance in the mail, addressed to you?

What if some Idiot in Batman Underoos traveling in a pink baby walker runs over your foot and severs your nerves so you can’t play any Kinect games for the rest of your life?

O.K.  Maybe I need to put this in geek terms…

What if Luke decides to go over to the Dark Side after all because he feels so evil and guilty about all of the wet dreams he had about his own sister?  Then that Star Wars game will be just another doorstop, buddy.

Sheesh.  Don’t you People have anything better to do than stalk a game that isn’t scheduled to

come

out

for at least another-

Wait a second.

Crap.  When did I become a geek?

Shut up.