Blog Archives
A Canon of Creative Cannonball Uses
Regarding yesterday’s post, “Murder by Mattress“, my husband, Cap’n Firepants, insists that I must be the one trying to kill him – considering that the mattress seems to be more harmful to his health than mine.
“If I wanted to kill you, I would find a much faster way to do it than making you sleep on a mattress that makes you walk crooked for 10 years,” was my reply. I decided not to list the dozen alternative ways that immediately come to mind for expediting someone’s death. I don’t want him to become paranoid or anything.
I stand by my original theory that he is out to get me – not the other way around.
I figure that, before my untimely demise, I should probably give out the award I promised for the Most Creative Way to Use a Cannonball. Although there were many viable entries, I decided to go with El Guapo because he gave me a whopping total of 5 ideas. This is what he came up with:
-Attach a chain to it. whenever you or Cap’n have to be somewhere and the other can’t make it, bring it as the old ball and chain
-Put it in a cannon on the lawn and point it conspicuously at the annoying neighbor du jour
-If there are any markings on it, you might be able to track down some information on it
-Hang it in the school yard for bad-child tetherball
-Paint it like a balloon and use it for your delightful “lead balloon” comedy/variety show
This leads me to jump to some not-so-obvious conclusions about Guap:
- He has much experience with cannonballs
- He has not lived next to our annoying neighbors, who would not be even the slightest bit cowed by such a subtle hint as a cannon aimed at their abode
- He wants me to get sued
- He really wants the prize that I offered
I am going to assume that it was the last one, because the “I Wonderbutt, Do You?” award is highly coveted and very rare.
So, here you go, Guap. Take good care of it.
(I won’t tell you which of Guap’s suggestions I am going to take, but I will tell you that our neighbors, the Clampetts, are, at this moment, making a heckuva lot of noise – and eBay’s cannon listings will be my next stop after publishing this post.)
I Get So Promotional, Baby, Every Time I Think of You
Today is a bit of a gratitude roundup. In the past few weeks, I’ve collected a few nice gestures from people, and it’s important that I give them credit (and some invaluable whatimeant2say PR) before my senile mind forgets all of them.
A.) I need to thank Stephyness for awarding me the Beautiful Blogger Award. I am still working on displaying the award, as my Award Shelf Runneth Over. But, it’s a particularly attractive one, so I will certainly find a way to show it off, rest assured.
2.) Much appreciation goes out to my pal over at “I Probably Shouldn’t Have Said That“. She is one of my most stalwart fans, and gives me props on a regular basis. She bestowed upon me the Award That Must Not Be Named on this Family Blog. For some reason, she likes my writing, and the feeling is mutual! Check out her recent article on blog stalking. If you’re lucky, maybe she will start stalking you! And, this clever lady actually has two blogs, so be sure you avail yourself of her sunny side, too, by taking a gander at Hobbling Around. Her Public Service Announcement is one of her many hysterically funny posts.
Trois) I must direct you to The Middlest Sister, who is celebrating 5,000 subscribers by posting paper art of the avatars of her top 50 commenters. And, lo and behold, there is the cutest darn picture of Wonderbutt that you ever did see. See if you can find it in her clever mosaic! Congrats, Nicole, on your many fans. Your fame is well-deserved! (You can also check out Nicole’s clever art at Nevermind Nicki.)
4th.) We just received a new, hand-made, duck canvas cover for a bed for Wonderbutt from Bow Wow Beds. And, he totally loves it. I know he doesn’t look thrilled in this picture, but when have you ever seen him look thrilled? The best way to tell that he is absolutely delighted is to note that he has not chewed it up yet. Now, the cover was not free, but I want to thank Amberlii at Bow Wow for having this brilliant idea to make custom covers at reasonable prices (we are using our cover on Dimples’ old crib mattress – great way to recycle!), and for not questioning my request to personalize it with the name “Wonderbutt”!
Rich is my New Best Friend
I played a mean trick the other day by inflicting upon you a rather evil vanity license plate to decode. 
Amazingly, someone actually figured out my little cipher. Rich Crete posted the following comment:
1 = Won
Lac is the Egyptian word for “The” which as we know in German is Der
Ros is Latin for ass or in polite society…Butt
The answer was “Wonderbutt”. Wonderbutt is pretty much this blog’s mascot, so I thought it was appropriate. What is truly amazing, though, was that Rich translated it using completely different languages than I did. And I’m not even sure his translations are real. My translation worked this way:
1=Won
La= the French word for “der” (according to Google Translate)
Crosse= the French word for “butt”
I giggle at the irony when I first typed in the “Wonder” part into Google Translate and hit the Spanish button. The result was “preguntarse”. As soon as I saw the last syllable, I thought that was pretty appropriate.
Anway, congrats to Rich on his new award, the “I Wonderbutt, Do You?” trophy. As a condition of accepting this award, you must know that you are committing to responding to my e-mails of license plate photos from now until the end of eternity.
Now, I am a teacher. Teachers like to recognize superior effort as well as talent, so I feel that I must also point out the stunningly wrong but cunningly long comment by John as he attempted to think himself out loud to the solution.
So, I am going to present him with the equally prestigious “Do You Wonderbutt? I Do” trophy.
While I am talking about awards, I must thank butenuffaboutme for offering me a Versatile Blogger Award. What the heck. Let’s throw in something for butenffuaboutme, too.
O.K. My job is done.
A Trip Down the Red Carpet
I have figured out the problem with blog awards. I don’t get to wear a designer dress to show off on the red carpet. If someone does not immediately rectify this, I shall have to come up with my own solution, and it won’t be pretty. Awards just don’t have the same zing to them if my clothing and hairstyle are not being critiqued by Joan and Melissa Rivers.
While you folks work on solving that problem, I will give you a sneak peek into my Award Acceptance Speech that I have prepared just in case my dreams of a televised event on E! come true:
“I am so honored to be standing in front of all of you tonight. Isn’t my Vera Wang dress to die for? I almost snagged it during that little incident on the red carpet involving one of my somewhat over-exuberant fans. But I digress. This is not about my fabulous appearance, but about my awesome blogging prowess and the fact that you have finally decided to give me the recognition I deserve. However, I don’t want to sound like this is all about me – even though it is. Allow me to mention some others who have played a slight role in my success.
First of all, I would like to thank Wonderbutt. I think I truly understood his devotion during a recent special night we spent together on the couch during a thunderstorm. At 4 in the morning, he leapt off the couch, ran to a corner, and threw up. Thank you, dear Wonderbutt, for thinking enough of me to travel so far before hurling your cookies. Your love truly inspires my tremendously well-written blog posts.
And, I would be remiss if I did not thank my dear husband, Cap’n Firepants, for finally signing a contract to replace the flooring that we have been missing since October. If we had done this months ago, I would not have nearly as many attractive pictures on my blog of our pox-infected floors. I also want to thank you, my pirate prince, for not bringing up the fact that we would not have needed new floors so soon if Wonderbutt had not decided that our old carpet was so distasteful he would pull it up on his own. As you know, any criticism of me or my dog would have completely shut me down emotionally and I would not be able to write another word for the rest of my life.
Of course,this speech would not be complete without a shout out to my dear daughter, Dimples. Her giggles as she reads posts I have carefully selected for her viewing pleasure motivate me to continue to write even on the darkest of days – like the one when she told me she likes a boy (code named “blanket 27”), dashing my hopes dreams that she would remain my sweet little innocent baby forever.
Oh, sorry Honey. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the code name in front of a television audience of millions of people, one of which probably includes the boy you like. But, don’t worry, I didn’t tell anyone his real name is Jack. Your secret is safe with me.
Um, would someone tell the orchestra to be quiet? I can’t hear myself talking.
What, my time is up? I don’t think so. This evening is devoted to me. I have all of the time in the world.
Oh, fine. I will just post the rest of my speech on my incredibly famous blog. Who needs you anyway?”
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/polvero/3813357696/”>Dustin Diaz</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>This is a Private Service Announcement Brought to You by Wonderbutt
As part of your On Demand Subscription package to WhatIMeant2Say, you will now be receiving irregular Dog Toy Reviews. I don’t Mean2Say that we will be reviewing irregular dog toys. WhatIMeant2Say is that we will, from time to time, on an irregular, unpredictable basis, be reviewing dog toys. Having this nifty little feature added to your already valuable bundle should make you feel quite the envy of all non-WhatIMeant2Say subscribers.
Mrs. P.I.B. , our 10 year old golden retriever, was never a chewer. She prefers, even now, to obsessively lick her toys.
Wonderbutt, our 1 year old bulldog, is the opposite. He licks us obsessively and completely annihilates his toys.
So, it is quite a challenge to find toys that will last more than a week against the razor sharp teeth of Wonderbutt.
I realize Mrs. P.I.B. is somewhat of an anomaly, so I think that there will be many dog owners out there who might appreciate my new idea – the Wonderbutt Toy Reviews.
I have decided that whenever we find a toy that can withstand the perils of a Wonderbutt household, it deserves an award. So, today I unveil the P.A.W. (Product Approved by Wonderbutt), given to only the most durable and infinitely entertaining dog toys.
Considering my recent confession of my less than kind feelings toward acronyms, you might question my choice of using one for this award. Questioning and criticizing are not part of the Basic On Demand Subscription package, so you will have to upgrade to the Premium Package if you have an uncontrollable desire to insult me.
For our first award, Wonderbutt and I have chosen the Hurley, an unlikely toy I chanced upon at Dogologie in Fredericksburg.
According to westpawdesign.com, "Hurley is guaranteed against dog damage and West Paw Design makes it easy to give this durable dog toy a try with a one-time refund or replacement."
It made bold promises on the packaging, and I immediately thought this would be a great idea for a blog – Wonderbutt’s destruction of an”indestructible” toy. With accompanying pictures, of course.
Alas, as all bloggers know, planned catastrophes for the sake of blog fodder are about as successful as planned wars in the Middle East.
At first, I was a little disappointed, I must admit. It seems that the toy really is indestructible – but not because of its extreme durability. Wonderbutt had absolutely no desire to play with it. It was almost as if, with one look, he could tell that he was not going to be able to shred it, so he decided not to waste his time.
With a little more involvement from the Family Firepants, though, things changed. Wonderbutt suddenly became interested when the toy went shooting past his head and boomeranged off the wall into Mrs. P.I.B. Now that he could see its potential, it was Game ON.
First of all, this thing bounces wildly, but it rolls very little. This is an important distinction because Wonderbutt and Mrs. P.I.B.’s favorite game to play is to roll their toys under the furniture and then behave like Lassie when Timmy’s in the well until we get them out.
Secondly, this toy is slippery. Not slippery/slobbery like some toys get and you are disgusted by ever touching them. Slippery enough so that when Wonderbutt thunders past you at 200 miles per hour you can whisk it out of his mouth, making him stop short and do a somersault into the bedroom door in the hallway. It’s a beautiful thing, and it happens every time. (As an added bonus, I don’t have to play Tug of War and end up with Wonderbutt’s jaw clamped down on my fingers instead of his toy.)
And thirdly, Wonderbutt has not been able to get any chunks out of this eco-friendly toy. Believe you me, the dog has tried. He has gotten quite a few chunks out of me while attempting to mutilate the toy.
Unfortunately, the company will not replace me, though Cap’n Firepants has tried.
And fourthly, it’s buoyant. Since our bulldog is barely buoyant himself, I think we will probably not need to test that feature.
So, go out and buy a Hurley from westpawdesign.com as soon as you can. And, if you have a dog, you should think about getting him or her one, too. Wonderbutt recommends it.
This Product is Officially Endorsed by Wonderbutt
I’m Just Not That Into Me
Yesterday I posted about the plethora of awards that have appeared on my metaphorical doorstep in the last week, and promised to reveal a final one today. It is the “7×7” Award, which was granted to me by the fine lady at Hobbling Around. So far, she is the only one who has bestowed this great honor upon me, so I must be doing something wrong – a fact that became all too clear as I settled down to do some of the research the “7×7” Award entails.
You see, the “7×7” Award has the caveat that you give links to 7 of your own posts. And, as I was reading some of my older posts, I realized I ain’t as funny as I think I am. Which is quite disappointing. I crack myself up while I’m typing every day. But I was wincing more than cracking as I read over some of my work. Quite frankly, I don’t know how you People put up with me – especially on the days when I don’t post Wonderbutt pictures.
Most Popular AND Most Surprisingly Successful – Pretty much any post that gets more than 2 comments surprises me with its success. By some fluke, this one has gotten over 1,000 views so far. https://whatimeant2say.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/would-you-be-interested-in-renting-a-bull-dozer/
Most Underrated – I am putting this one primarily because the number of Wonderbutt fans has grown astronomically, and this early post includes a video of him channelling Stevie Wonder. https://whatimeant2say.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/what-stevie-wonder-and-stephen-colbert-have-in-common/
Most Controversial – None of my posts have lit a fire under anyone’s bottom, as far as I know, but this is one of the ones I was afraid to publish because of the number of Facebook acolytes out there. https://whatimeant2say.wordpress.com/2011/08/28/dont-hate-me-because-i-dont-like-you/
Most Beautiful – The writing isn’t beautiful, but the sentiment is somewhat attractive (a tribute to my sister, Crash). https://whatimeant2say.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/can-you-teach-a-cat-to-roller-skate/
Most Helpful – This is sage advice for anyone trying to lose weight. https://whatimeant2say.wordpress.com/2011/11/16/the-wonderbutt-weight-loss-program/
Most Prideworthy – I am proud of this one because it’s when I finally confirmed that I am a horrible mother. I’m not proud of being horrible – just that I am aware of it. https://whatimeant2say.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/are-you-sure-it-doesnt-say-skunk/
And here are the 7 blogs that I highly recommend:
I think all of you are wonderful – particularly now that I’ve been re-reading my own blather.
Thank You for Seeing Me Again
“Danke Schoen, darling Danke Schoen.
Thank you for seeing me again.
Though we go on our separate ways, still the memory stays, for always, my heart says, Danke Schoen.”
Gotta love that Wayne Newton. You also gotta love Bassa, the Caucasian Shepherd Dog, who lives in Tbilisi in the Republic of Georgia. Bassa reports her adventures around Tbilisi with an eye for detail and amazing photography, particularly considering she is all paws. I’d like to give Bassa a Muchas Danke (TexGerm for Thanks a Bunch!) for awarding me the Liebster Blog Award. Apparently, this means in German that I have a “Dearest Blog”. And I owe this honor to all of you, the ones who keep “seeing me again”. Here is the award:
It looks even better on my award shelf!
No Blog Award is complete without its fine print, which, for this particular award, reads as follows (I tried to make it as fine as I could.):
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you. 2. Reveal your top five picks {with less than 200 readers} and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. 3. Copy and paste the award on your blog. 4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favourite up-and-coming bloggers and keep it going!
The tricky part of this requirement is #2 because, as many of you know, some of us like to hide our number of followers. So, in one fell swoop I will probably alienate most of the people who read my blog. Either you will be gratified that I gave you this award, and then wonder why I leapt to the conclusion that you have less than 200 readers, or you will be deeply hurt that I did not give you this award even though your numbers are low and you comment every day. So, before I roll out the list, here are my caveats:
If you got the award, just assume that I gave it to you because I thought you deserved it, saw no evidence on your blog that you’d received it before, and noticed from your archives that you’d been around about as long as I have. And don’t read the next line.
If you didn’t get the award, just assume that I thought you were so great that I could not envision a universe where you would not already have more than 200 followers, and I did not want you to think I was being condescending by offering you an award.
O.K. Everyone happy now? Well, probably not. I guess I should have maybe posted the caveats after I revealed my list of awardees – not before.
Anyway, here are my five:
Middlest Sister – This creative paper artist wows me with every new post. I would love to purchase a book of her carefully crafted stories.
Not Quite Old – She is definitely not old, has great fashion sense, and a wonderful sense of humor. And I love her infrequent illustrations.
I’ve Become My Parents – This blog of advice to a young son is hysterical and scary true!
Life of J.Wo – Check out Jason’s comical “Open Letter to the Bathroom Guy“, and I dare you not to empathize – or laugh. And be sure to look at his pictures of his bulldog, Savannah. It’s okay. You can say it. She is so much prettier than Wonderbutt!
Trask Avenue – My favorite things about “John’s” blog are his photographs – truly amazing! But I also like his wicked sense of humor – such as in “To Do List: Jesus of Nazareth (undated)”
I leave you with a quote from Ferris Bueller, my favorite Danke Schoen lip syncher extraordinaire (and if you don’t think you’ve seen anything good today – well, come back tomorrow, and it will be probably be worse.):
“Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today – Cameron Frye, this one’s for you. “
OMG! I Won the OMB! That’s the BOMB!
Whew! What a relief! Just in the nick of time, the Idiot allowed me to postpone my creative thinking one more day by bestowing upon me a wonderful honor. Yes, People, with no bribery, soliciation, or other illegal means involved, I somehow managed to achieve the following:
You must check out the Idiot at The Idiot Speaketh. He’s hilarious, he likes Monty Python, and he reads my blog. Need I say more?
Oh, and I would like to wish a hearty congratulations to my fellow recipients:
Miranda at Scattering Moments
Lisa at Woman Wielding Words.
Jamie at The Life of Jamie.
Steve at The Odd Ramblings..
Tori at The Ramblings.
Mrs. Firepants at whatimeant2say.
Sparrow at Sparrow’s Ramblings.
Jackie at The Slowvelder.
H.E. ELLIS at H.E. ELLIS.
nrhatch at Spirit lights the Way.
Blog buddy John Erickson (No blog)
My Blonde Cousin Whitney (No blog)
You should definitely head over to H.E. Ellis’s Acceptance Speech. It is much more humorous than mine will be, unfortunately.
As spelled out by the Benevolent Bequeather of this here awesome award, I must only accept under the following conditions:
1. You must display this award on your own blog so that others will know of your service and bravery. Of course. Are you kidding? No false modesty here. By the way, since my awards are starting to pile up, I have now added an Awards Shelf to my blog to keep track of all of these puppies.
2. You must do a solo interpretive dance to any 70′s Disco song of your choice, preferrably while wearing underwear. Dimples and I decided to do Y.M.C.A. The next time we go ice skating. And, of course I will be wearing underwear. Does it matter that I have jeans and a t-shirt over it?
3. You must list on your blog, or in comments to this post, a detailed description of your most embarrassing obsessive-compulsive disorder affliction: I have no such afflictions. I am absolutely perfect. Perfection is my middle name. Yep, nothing’s out of place in my life, People. So, just walk away. No embarrassing confessions shall appear on this blog. Nope.
4. You must try to visit at least 3 new blogs today. Go to blogs you already visit and then visit the the blogs of 3 commenters who’s blogs you have never visited. I do this everyday. No sweat.
5. You must approach someone within your family, workplace, or school, that is obviously having a bad day, and you must grab them by the shoulders, shake them violently if needed, and then scream at the top of your lungs…”Lighten up already!! SMILE!!!! Life is too freaking short to be in a bad mood!!!” If you honestly have no one you can accost, a small pet, toy, stuffed animal, or ham, will also work. I tried this with Big Mean Kitty. It did not work. He still looks mean. And in a bad mood.
I’d like to thank The Idiot and all of the little people with dimples, overweight gas-passin’ dogs, and long-suffering husbands who have made this award possible. I’m going to go now so I can start working on my next award speech.
Another Kind of Butt
For those of you who are new readers, one of the frequent topics in this blog happens to be the adventures of our bulldog, AKA Wonderbutt.
Wonderbutt has many endearing traits, although he can be a little challenging sometimes. Today’s post, however, is not about Wonderbutt and one of his epic escapades. Today I am going to address the not-so-attractive qualities of someone else in the “Butt” family – Butthead.
The particular Butthead to which I am referring may be someone you have encountered as well. Unfortunately, you, Dear Reader, could actually be the Butthead, yourself. If so, and you recognize yourself in this post, I apolog, I will not be upset if you cancel your subscription.
Chances are, though, that the Butthead in question is not reading this, or won’t recognize herself even if she does. So I think my subscription stats are pretty safe.
We went to a concert last night. It was the last Maroon 5/Train performance of their tour. It was sold out. We had lawn tickets, and arrived at Woodlakes Pavilion in Houston about 15 minutes after the concert had started. There wasn’t a whole lot of lawn left.
We finally found a large enough spot for the five of us, including Dimples. We really couldn’t see, but Dimples had a good attitude about that. She was fine with just hearing the concert, and I figured we couldn’t be too picky since we hadn’t paid a lot for the lawn tickets and hadn’t gotten there as early as we planned.
What I hadn’t remembered from the last time I sat on a lawn for a concert (pre-Dimples), was that smoking is okay in that section. What I had way underestimated, apparently, was the number of people who still smoke, and can’t seem to go 5 minutes without a cigarette.
The Butthead was a woman in front of us who, and I swear this is not hyperbole, went through at least 10 cigarettes, if not more, during the span of the concert. As soon as she extinguished each butt on the ground (which reflexively freaked me out each time because of the Texas wildfires we’ve been having), she would light up a new one. Not only that, but she had for some reason decided that it was rude to blow her smoke into the backs of the people in front of her. Instead, she turned around and exhaled into our faces.
There were others smoking around us, as well, and before long, Dimples had itchy eyes and a disturbing cough. I led her to another section where we attempted to stand as upwind from the smoke as possible. But it was standing room only, and before long Dimples’ little legs were tired, and we returned to our picnic blanket. I had the ingenious idea for us to turn our backs to the stage, since we couldn’t see it anyway, protecting Dimples from the direct onslaught of Butthead’s smoke.
I understand that if we had sprung for the higher priced seats, we would not have had this experience. But I find it kind of elitist that only the people who have more money are guaranteed protection from second-hand smoke. The whole theater, after all, is outdoors, and having all of the smokers concentrated to one section makes it pretty certain that the (apparently rare) spendthrift non-smoker is going to be enveloped in a noxious cloud that rivals Wonderbutt’s own gas attacks.
So, to the Butthead at the concert last night at the Woodland, here’s Whatimeant2say: “I’m sorry you are so addicted to smoking that you can’t even stop for 5 minutes while you’re enjoying good music. But maybe next time you can wander away from the crowd to light up. Just because you don’t respect your own body doesn’t mean you have to wreak havoc on ours.”
And to those of you who smoke, but respect others by “taking it somewhere else”, thanks. As a token of my gratitude, I will make an attempt to contain Wonderbutt’s fumes as well.
You Know Who You Are
whatimeant2say 