So, my daughter graduates from 5th grade this week. I won’t go into my opinion of the ridiculous lengths some schools and parents put into making the exit from elementary school (which is, after all, compulsory, so I am not sure how it qualifies as a major achievement) an event that would rival the Academy Awards.
I’m not going to talk about that because I have my own awards to acknowledge, and since I won them by working my butt off on stuff that isn’t required, (mostly because no one cares enough to require it) I figure they are far more legitimate than the congratulatory certificate my daughter will receive for completing the first phase of her mandatory education.
I should probably apologize to some of you because I think some awards may have fallen by the wayside during the last 6 months. When my medication was not working, I had a tendency to be dismissive of awards because I thought that I didn’t really deserve to live, much less to receive an award. But now that I am back to my old self again, I realize that, of course, I deserve all accolades that are heaped upon me – and even the ones that aren’t.
According to my somewhat incredibly vivid memory, I believe Alexandra microrrelatososhortstories gave me a couple of awards awhile back:
I like these because they are pretty and aren’t on my Awards Shelf yet. It’s nice to have a bit of variety on the Shelf. Plus, the awarder, Alexandra, is internationally acclaimed (she started her blog in Mexico City), so I’m pretty sure I can safely claim now that my blog has gone Global.
And, a bit more recently, Monica at A Day in the Life awarded me the very interesting “Interesting” Award. Another award that had not graced my shelf until now. What’s even more significant about this award is that Monica is a Blogger Blogger, not a WordPress Blogger. Which is like giving an Oscar to The Wheel of Fortune. So now I just need to get an award from a TypePad Blogger and I’ll have a Blogging Triple Crown…
Monica’s award comes with a bunch of terms and conditions. Usually I ignore this part of blogging awards. I mean, does the Academy require Clint Eastwood to agree to stand on his head for twenty minutes while juggling fish with his feet and then pass his trophy on to someone else? I think not. But Monica is one of my number one commenters (plus, she lives in my town, so we might run into each other one day), so how can I refuse to at least answer some of her very creative questions?
- Have you ever had a hernia? Just a his-nia.
- Scorpion bite or brown recluse bite? Are you asking me if I had either or are you asking me which I would rather have? Or, are you asking me what is the best way to kill the neighbor down the street who has been driving me crazy by coming home at 2:17 a.m. every night and standing outside talking loudly on his cell phone making my dog bark frantically at the person who dares to encroach upon his territory which apparently includes anywhere within hearing distance even though it’s not on our property deed?
- Scorpion song or Justin Bieber song? Um, same answer as above? Or can I just use the scorpion to kill Justin Bieber? Not that I would do that…
- If you could put two pop star singers together to make a hit record (that, frankly, just frightens everyone), who would it be? Well, since you mentioned him in your post, I must say that Barry Manilow would be Pop Star #1. #2 would be Ozzy Osbourne. Even though I don’t think he actually qualifies as a pop star.
- If you don’t know the answers to any of the above, what do you know? Well, obviously, I know all.
So, thank you to Alexandra and to Monica for recognizing my awesome talent and having the sense to wait until my new medication started working to declare their admiration of my amazing blog. Right back at ya, ladies 🙂
Me: Hey, do you mind when I come over and say hi to you when I see you at school? I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends, or anything. I mean, I know you’re in 5th grade and the whole friend thing is important.
Dimples: I don’t mind. I kind of like showing you off.
Well, that kind of made my day. Being brand new to this whole “teaching at my daughter’s school” thing has made me a bit wary of violating her space – particularly when she races ahead of me into the school in the mornings instead of walking by my side. Her excuse, “My tennis shoes are so light that I just have to run.” My interpretation, “I can’t be seen hanging around my mommy.”
She doubled the whammy by informing me the next day with a proud grin on her face, “My teacher says that I look like you.”
That almost erased the comment from a Kindergartner I’d received earlier that day when he looked at my photo badge. “You were younger when you took that picture, weren’t you?” And his next question, after examining it more carefully, “How much younger?”
I tried to console myself that everyone is younger in their pictures – even if they were just taken 5 seconds ago – but it took the ego boosts from Dimples to turn my day back around.
Before the next Kindergartner slays me with another brutally honest comment (thank goodness none of them witnessed my wardrobe malfunction on the first day), I’ve decided it’s time to do another roundup of Awards-Recently-Added-to-My-Awards-Shelf just to let everyone know that some people seem to appreciate the not-so-young Mrs. Cap’n Firepants.
Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award from She Can’t Be Serious
Reader’s Appreciation Award (hand-drawn!!!!) from Miranda Gargasz at Scattering Moments
Strong Person Award from Aja at Writing and Recovering
I Loves my Bloggie Furriends Award from Chancy and Mumsy
The Sensual Blogger Award from Anon Con at Consciously Anonymous
The only ones that I still need to pass on are the Sensual Blogger Award and the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award. Since I am passive aggressive, in addition to all of my other admirable traits, and never really follow the rules of Blog Awards, and there are too many female bloggers that I LOVE to choose from, I’ve decided to pass these both on to A MAN!!!!!! Yes, Guapola, you’ve been tapped as a Sensual Member of the Sisterhood. Here is your award, and I hope you do a little dance and Show ’em Off!!!!!
I have been a bit remiss in replying to comments, but I’ve been even worse about keeping up with awards, lately – which is completely unlike me, I assure you. The only reason that I have not been bombarding you with all of my recent accolades is because I have been trying to build a new shelf for displaying the abundance of honors that have recently been flooding my inbox. If you have visited my WhatILOVE2ShowOff Page (there is a link at the top of the site in case you didn’t notice), then you have seen that my first awards shelf is full. I played with the idea of renting out a few billboards to display my newest acquisitions, but I don’t want to make you drive all over the United States looking for them. So, I settled for cobbling myself a new shelf. And, despite my many obvious gifts and talents, construction has taken a bit longer than I anticipated.
Anyway, the shelf is now done, and it shall be placed on my WhatILOVE2ShowOff Page without delay.
Oops, where are my manners? Here is the link to the page in case you want to
stalk visit it on a regular basis.
Oh, yes. I should probably thank the people who recognized my great talent and bestowed these honors upon me along with the appropriate fanfare.
First off, we have the Reader Appreciation Award given to me by Aja at Writing and Recovering. If you, too, are interested in being an appreciated reader, check out Aja’s first published book on Amazon, By the Light of the Moon!
Next, we have the Inspiring Blogger Award from Collies of the Meadow (and Chuck). Our favorite pack of dogs also awarded us the Sunshine Award, which is on our other awards shelf.
Bassa, the most beautiful and intriguing Caucasian Shepherd in the world, gave us the You Make Me Shine Award.
I mentioned the next one on the shelf once already, but it bears repeating – thanks to Nicole at The Middlest Sister for our Wonderbutt avatar. It almost helps us to overlook the fact that she now has 5,000 subscribers and we only have 3.
And last, but not least, we have the Hot Potato Award, passed on to us by our favorite pair of poodles, Bella and Didi, at Paws to Talk.
Now, if you are familiar with blogging awards, you know that they often come encumbered with a bunch of requirements. I am a rule-follower, and I dutifully adhere to all requirements. But Wonderbutt ate them. O.K. Fine. He did not eat them. If you are familiar with me, you know that I pay no attention to blog award requirements. This may be considered rude by some, but I like to think of myself as a Blog Robin Hood who takes from the rich and selflessly gives everyone else the biggest gift of all – Time. With that in mind, thank you and good night.
When I recently, and quite humbly, accepted my Sunshine Award, I credited two wonderful blogs for bestowing this honor upon me – Paws to Talk and glutenvygirl. After that post, it was brought to my attention that one more fabulous blog had also seen fit to honor me. A Fine Day for an Epiphany was the third in a growing line of intelligent bloggers to recognize my sunshiny nature. And what a fine write-up accompanied my nomination! Thanks to all three of you for adding one more award to the shelf. And now, as John astutely observed, I must begin a quest for a bigger shelf!
Previously, on whatimeant2say, I began my Awards Acceptance Speech, but was abruptly stopped by an orchestrated disturbance claiming I had gone over my time limit. I was able to hijack another star’s allotted spot (Oprah has enough awards anyway) in order to finish up.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted – well, I don’t know what I was saying. But here is what I will say.
I will say that I am here to stay.”
Uh, did I mention that I downed a few “refreshments” in the interim before I was able to reappear at the podium?
“Yes, I am here to thank all of the pittle leeple. My blog is a suck fest due to you. No, that’s not whatimeant2say. It’s a fu- nope, that’s not it, either. Never mind. Moving on. I have to thank you, first, for my Biggest Liar award.
Because I fooled you all! No one figured out that the true statements were 1, 3, and 6. That’s probably because I made a little error with #1. I was in “Scrooge – the Musical” in high school, not “Scrooged.” Sorry about that “d” I added. It’s been 25 years since I was in high school, so I think that minor mistake should be forgiven. I know – I don’t look that old. I am very well-perturbed.
Anyhoo, those of you who thought #2 was true must not know me at all. I am just completely insulted that you thought I would ever do that even one time. I don’t remember what “that” was, but I can assure you I am too much of a lady to do it.
Now, I should move on because I don’t want any silly little man in a tuxedo using his stick to shut me up again.
Oh yes. Bumpy Road to Bubba. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Can you say that 10 times fast? Bubber Raby Buggy Humpers. Bubba Baby Bubby Thumpers. Huh? Oh, yeah. So they gave me a HUG. Award, I mean. Not a hug. Don’t you worry, Cap’n Firepants. You’re the only one I hug. I know you don’t think I do it often enough. But – crap. There’s that friggin’ music again! Fine. Just give me my trophy and I will be gone. Fine. Yes, I know there’s no trophy. Fine. I am leaving. Fine. Yes, I know I’m still on stage. I just thought I could squeeze over here an eensy little bit so I could, uh, help out Brad Pitt if he needs any help with his lines on the next present station. Fine. Fine, I said!!!! I’m leaving!”
The worst part? Vera Wang made me give back the dress. That’s okay. It’s hard to put a dress on an Award Shelf, anyway.
In yesterday’s historic post, I mentioned that Wonderbutt had received an award from GingerSnaap at Ohmygawdjustdowhatisay. Her exact words, in presenting him with the Glitter E. Yaynus Award, were: “What I Meant 2 Say– This is not for Mrs. Firepants, this is specifically for WonderButt- her Bull Dog. WonderYanus.”
As promised, I communicated the requirements of acceptance to Wonderbutt, which are the following:
1.Name 5 things you would stick up your Junk Trunk if you were forced to. 2. Tell at least 5 things you do that would make people want to kill you or, at the very least Hate you for the rest of their lives. 3. Blindfold yourself & walk out into traffic on the Highway. 4. Pick 5 Bloggers to BULLY with this (a-hem) ‘Award’.
Here are Wonderbutt’s responses:
1. What’s a Junk Trunk? Is that the basket you keep my toys in? The one you put on a shelf so I can’t reach it just because I “tasted” it a few times? I’ll tell what I would put in there if I was forced to – Sandy, the rotten cat who blatantly teases me in the back yard; the squirt bottle that Dimples uses on me when I pick a fight with Mrs. P.I.B.; the soundtrack to The Sound of Music that Dimples plays OVER AND OVER; all of the car keys (so no one in the Firepants family can leave
me the house); and all of the baby gates that block me from my favorite parts of the house, specifically The Forbidden Section.
2. This one’s easy. Dimples says she hates me all of the time – particularly when I squeak my Wubba, step on her bare feet, chew on her flip-flops, pass gas in her face, and poop on the back seat of the car when she is sitting next to me. Yeah, that last one is very effective.
3. I am not allowed to walk into traffic. In fact, if I don’t stop pooping (or vomiting) as I walk, Mrs. Cap’n Firepants says I will not be allowed to walk anymore at all.
And I eat anything you put on my face. Plus, a blindfold won’t stay on because my nose is too pushed in to hold it up.
4. Mrs. Cap’n Firepants
butted in helped me with this. She says that “this is a delicate matter because of the nature of the award.” Whatever that means. She said we need to choose some blogs that are “slightly irreverent.” Basically, the only one she let me pick is The Life of J-Wo because my Someday-in-the-Future-Girlfriend, Savannah, stars on that one.
O.K. Yes I am bragging.
No false modesty here. I like awards.
I hate work, though. So, you won’t be surprised that, just like my new iPad skin, I will be cutting a few corners in my acceptance of these awards.
First of all – the Kreativ Blogger Award. I have been coveting this particular one for some time. Fortunately, my hilarious pal, The Idiot, bestowed it upon me before I just decided to steal it from someone’s site. I say this is fortunate, because stealing awards requires a lot of work – you know, making up stories about who gave it to you, creating a fake blog to back up your alibi, etc…
I’m supposed to tell you a bunch of things about myself, and then award this to ten more people. As you can see, though, I am too busy designing iPad skins, so I’m skipping all of that business. That requires too much research – into my psyche and into other bloggers to make sure they haven’t already received it. I will pass it on to one more person, though, to keep this award going. I know I’ve already given her an award, but I really think this one is completely fitting for her – The Middlest Sister. She is, hands-down, the most Kreativ blogger I know. Normally, I hate people with that much talent, but since I don’t actually know her, it’s easier just to be insanely jealous.
Next award – The One Lovely Blog Award from my dear, dear friends, Chuck and the Collies of the Meadow. They and The Hobbler have been crazy enough to give me this award, and their support of my blog has been absolutely phenomenal. I am seriously considering having Chuck’s words of praise tattooed somewhere on my body. If my jeans become any tighter, I know exactly where that tattoo will fit…
I am passing The One Lovely Blog Award on to Muddled Mom. I really enjoyed her post about her son turning nine, as she eloquently described exactly how I felt when Dimples turned nine in December. Except for the stuff about him being a boy.
And now, the most recent award that has been added to the shelf – the Glitter E. Yaynus Award.
It’s difficult to describe my feelings about this award. Mostly because I’m not the one who received it. It was actually awarded to Wonderbutt or, as GingerSnaap at Ohmygawdjustdowhatisay, so succinctly put it – “This is not for Mrs. Firepants, this is specifically for WonderButt- her Bull Dog. WonderYanus.”
I related to Wonderbutt that he has received this honor. He is still deciding how he feels about it. Because it is his first very own award, he has decided to fulfill all of the requirements that are passed along with it. But, he is still composing his thoughts, so tomorrow’s post will be dedicated to his responses.
Lastly, I have an award I promised to give to the first person who could identify the movie quote in my post titled, “Tell Me About it, Stud.” The winner is Chuck and the Collies of the Meadow. You are now the lucky owners of the “I Wonderbutt, Do You?” Award. May this magnificent honor help to speed sweet Trevor’s recovery!
Last weekend, Dimples won first place in one of her synchronized swimming competitions. As she grinned from ear to ear while accepting her blue ribbon, I couldn’t help feeling proud – and jealous. It’s hard to be an adult sometimes, when the opportunities to win awards are few and far between. As I’ve reminded everyone several times, I am addicted to accolades.
This is why I blog. The blogging community has all sorts of honors to bestow, and it seems like there are new ones being invented all of the time. My goal is to collect every single one of them on my Awards Shelf.
To that end, I have a couple of new awards to announce; the “Crack Up” and the “One Lovely Blog” have been recently conferred upon me.
The “Crack Up” was generously passed on by an opinionated mommy named KP.
The Hobbler tapped me for the “One Lovely Blog Award.”
Thank you, Ladies, for helping me to feel validated and less envious of my nine year old daughter.
As veteran bloggers know, these notches on our bedposts do not come without a price. Every single one of these fabulous prizes have rules. No one has told me what happens if you break the rules, but we might find out in the next couple of days because I am feeling a bit rebellious and a lot lazy.
I have already thanked my benefactors, so that requirement has been fulfilled. But, I can’t remember what the other expectations are – and I am feeling slightly passive aggressive – so I am just going to make them up. If you want to know what the actual rules are, please click on the links for the wonderful blogs listed above. Even if you don’t want to know the actual rules, I highly recommend you visit them anyway.
Since I know that I like to be recognized, I feel it’s only fair to recognize some other people. But I know it’s overwhelming to the readers to suddenly be accosted with a bunch of links. Therefore, I am going to limit my own awarding to one person for each award (this is where the Blog Police might come and take me away as I am blatantly defying the award criteria):
If you really want to “Crack Up”, I think you will not be disappointed by visiting “I’ve Become My Parents.”
And the “One Lovely Blog” I would like to recognize is “The Middlest Sister.”
There are tons of other blogs I love to read, and highly recommend, on my Blog Roll. If I was not feeling so lethargic, I would invent an award for each and every one of them. As it is, you should find it a true testament to their value that I even found the energy to create a blog roll for the sole purpose of honoring them.
I think I am supposed to tell you some things about myself, but I highly doubt you want to know anything at this point, since you are either cussing me out for not honoring you, or you don’t give a flip about these awards anyway. I will tell you that I have a secret trick for getting out of handcuffs, so if you are planning to arrest me for breaking the blogging laws, you might want to reconsider your method of capture.
And, on that note, my acceptance speech is complete.
My awards shelves are starting to look slightly ostentatious, which, to be honest, was exactly the look I was going for. As soon as they are full, I’m going to make a big poster of all of my achievements, and hang it on my bathroom wall. I know that sounds uncharacteristically modest of me, but the truth is, we have an odd bathroom. It has a floor to ceiling window in the shower stall, which, if the shower curtain is drawn back, allows anyone in our living room to gaze upon our toiletry area. So, if I hang my award poster in there, I can pretend that I left the curtain open by accident and all of our guests can exclaim over my blogging prowess. I’m big on pretending to be humble.
A few of my recent awards are repeats, but you don’t see Susan Lucci returning her Emmy trophies just because she already got one. What’s that you say? She only got one? Well, that just makes my multiples all the sweeter.
I would like to thank each and every one of you who has recently passed the torch to me:
“The Liebster Award” – generously bestowed upon me by the following:
Not at all humbled by the above, I was then gobsmacked by not one, but two people who gave me the “Tell Me About Yourself” Award.
For this award, I’m supposed to tell you seven things you don’t know about me. You know some pretty intimate details, like the size of my bra, from this blog, so it’s a little difficult for me to imagine what you don’t know at this point.
I’m guessing you don’t know: my name, my first dog’s birthday, my social security number, how many A’s I got in high school, why I don’t talk to my mother anymore, who my godmother is, or where on my body my tattoo of a potato happens to be located.
Actually, we’re all out of luck in this department – because I only know the answer to three of those things. And none of them have anything to do with the tattoo. My sister, Crash, could probably make some great revelations about me in her next comment – I think she might know my name – but she should be painfully aware that I can tell great stories about her, so I doubt she will be too forthcoming.
O.K. In the interest of being a good sport, here are my 7. Well, I’m going to give you 8, so you can have a bonus one. Except one of them isn’t completely true:
I was the president of my sorority.
I never wanted to be in a sorority.
If Wonderbutt and I could stand on a scale together, we would weigh 185 pounds. As long as I’m nekkid. But I don’t really want to try to hold Wonderbutt while I’m nekkid. His claws are a little scratchy.
I make fabulous cheesecakes.
I moonlighted from teaching by waitressing in a Country/Western bar.
I moonlighted from waitressing by teaching in a gangsta neighborhood.
I’m not really married to a pirate.
I’m really married to a pirate, but my husband doesn’t know.
In addition to telling you some things, I am also supposed to recommend 15 other blogs. However, I have exceeded my self-imposed maximum word count for today, so I am going to be a rebel (reading Whiskey Rebels for my spelling bee is going to my head), and include that in tomorrow’s post – which will reveal yet another award conferred upon me.
Sorry, I’m feeling a little sassy today, what with all of these awards and the fact that we’ve gone a whole week without Wonderbutt chewing up any library books or spectacles.
Yesterday was a Red Letter Day. I won two awards.
Okay, so the first award was from my daughter. She gave me the following blue ribbon for saving our unimpressed family from a somewhat confused Snake in the House:
Bestowed upon 15 bloggers by Miranda Gargasz at http://scatteringmoments.wordpress.com, this award has a slighter longer history than the Life Saver one hurriedly sketched on a piece of notepaper by Dimples. And, it is accompanied by heavy responsibility. If you accept this award, you are committed to the following conditions:
1. Thank the person who shared the award with you by linking back to them in your post.
2. Pass this award to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know that you included them in your blog post.
3. List 7 things about yourself.
So, here we go:
1. Thanks, Miranda, for the words of encouragement!
2. Here are my 15 blogs, in no particular order –
3. Seven things about myself: I tied for first place in my district-wide Spelling Bee in 5th grade (they finally stopped the Bee because it had gone for hours with no sign of a winner), My favorite childhood books were The Anne of Green Gables series, I like to sing with the Glee app on my iPad, One of the few movies I’ve ever watched over 20 times was Grease 2, If I had to choose between 105 degree temperatures every day of the year or Below Freezing every day of the year, I would definitely choose the 105, I cannot tolerate Intolerance, AND the only thing that I can make in the kitchen that tastes decent is cheesecake.
Alright, so now that I have taken care of all of the lists, I must now go alert all of the winners about their inclusion and homework for the day.
Please contact my agent to arrange interviews and autograph appearances. He will be happy to fit you in between rope-tugging and ball-fetching appointments.