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Is Committing a Crime Going to Be What it Takes for Me to Get Good Hair?

Lately, I’ve been obsessing about Jodi Arias.

When they show clips of the trial on my favorite news channel, HLN, I stand in front of the television, transfixed, and ask myself, “Why?  Why?  Why?”

Why does her hair look so friggin’ good while she is in prison?

I’m serious.  This is driving me crazy.  I mean, I know her hair isn’t all that glamorous right now, and people are claiming she’s deliberately looking mousy to deceive the jury.  But, look carefully.

No split ends.  No frizz.  PERFECTly straight.

Do they let her wield a straight-iron in jail?  Does she even have permission to possess a comb?  What kind of shampoo is she allowed to use?  How does she get those locks to look so shiny and thick?  Isn’t stress supposed to have a negative impact on your hair?  Is she one of those people who shakes her head when you say, “You are so lucky to have such straight hair,” and responds, “I’ve always wanted it curly”?

I hate those people.

I really need for this trial to be over.  I keep going to the store and loitering in the hair product aisle, trying to reconstruct the crime of Jodi Arias’ flawless tresses.  I wake up in the morning, and eye all of the bottles and appliances lined up in my bathroom and debate who I can put on trial for deceiving me with false promises of frizz-free hair and ends that will reconcile with each other and refuse to split after all.

I know.  I know.  I’m missing the whole point of this unbelievably long, drawn-out courtroom drama.  Jodi Arias has a lot more important things to worry about besides her unbelievably healthy hair.

Like how to score a facial before her next mugshot.

Or, during her next mugshot…

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