A couple of months ago, our bulldog, affectionately nicknamed Wonderbutt, (but often called Pudgy Butt by my husband), was declared to be obese by his vet. I was certain he – the dog- would be a good candidate for The Biggest Loser. However, it appears they have a silly requirement that participants be human. Considering the stellar quality of reality show competitors in recent years, I would think adding canines to the roster would be a step up. Guess that’s why I don’t make the big bucks.
As I was hunting for information on Wonderbutt’s latest dog food, however, I found that The Biggest Loser does have some interest in chubby pets. The show is coordinating with the makers of Science Diet to offer a site with tools for learning how to slim down your pet – as well as a sweepstakes prize package that includes a trip to the finale of The Biggest Loser.
It’s too bad I don’t have any desire to actually attend the finale of The Biggest Loser. Money – or new sofas that haven’t been chewed up by Wonderbutt – would be a much bigger incentive.
But I still thought it was helpful to take a look at the site. I was gratified to see that my hometown, San Antonio, TX, is not on the list of the top 17 Chubbiest Pet Cities. (Although, if you note the path at the top of the picture, these can also be referred to as “Cubby Pet Cities”.)
Houston is on the list, so I probably should warn our cousins, the Globetrotters, to be mindful of what they are feeding Monte and Lola.
Getting a recommendation to confer with my vet was a bit redundant. That’s kind of how I got here in the first place.
The exercise tips were interesting. I think the Dog Squat Tease might be fun to do, except that Wonderbutt has a tendency to fall flat on his back when we try this game – which might be painful for him on our concrete floors. And then I would have an Upward Facing Dog who would have a very reproachful look on his face.
Speaking of which, Doga is an option I found on the internet that seems to be catching on, but I think Wonderbutt is relaxed enough already.
It seems to me that the most obvious weight loss solution warranted for our dog is to try to find an obese cat exercise partner and let nature take its course.
Or, perhaps he should just stop eating our dang sofa. I’m pretty sure at least 11 of his overweight pounds is the cushion foam he ingested. I would send him to a therapist, but he would just eat the couch.
A note of warning: If you are going to include the words “Weight Loss Program” in your manuscript, and then try to e-mail it to yourself three times from your iPad, and wonder where the e-mails keep going, try your Junk Mail folder. Apparently, I spammed myself.
Wonderbutt was told he needed to lose at least five pounds. After the disappointing lack of response to our application for The Biggest Loser, we took matters into our hands. We (I) instituted a practical change in life style: eat less food, get more exercise.
Because you are such a close friend, I would like to share the secrets to this successful program with you.
A typical day in the Wonderbutt Program:
Breakfast – 1 cup of delicious dog nuggets
Lunch – nothing
Dinner – another cup of delicious dog nuggets (I know they are delicious because I tried one.)
As everyone knows, no weight loss program is complete without the implementation of exercise.
Exercise – Dimples and I take Wonderbutt and Mrs. P.I.B. for a walk. Mrs. P.I.B. has longer legs, so she ends up ahead. Wonderbutt does not want Mrs. P.I.B. to get anywhere before he does. He has no idea where we are going, but he is going to get there first, no matter what.
Wonderbutt pulls my shoulder out of its socket.
I shift hands, yank Wonderbutt back and simultaneously pop my shoulder back in. I do what our dog/human trainer taught me and turn around, so Wonderbutt has to follow me going in a different direction. Since this is the opposite direction of Mrs. P.I.B., Wonderbutt is suddenly less enthusiastic about pulling me, and decides it’s my turn to pull. But I am the leader of this pack. So I make the rules.
I turn back around. For about 10 seconds, Wonderbutt is by my side. This triggers another lesson I learned from Puppy Kindergarten – bribery. I reward Wonderbutt with a small treat.
We repeat the process. By the time we return home, my arm has popped out of its socket 15 times, and Wonderbutt has had 30,000 “small” treats.
End of the week – Wonderbutt has gained 5 pounds from all of the treats and I’ve gained 5 from all of the stress eating I do when we return from each walk.
So, there you have it – our soon-to-be-award-winning-record-breaking-money-making Wonderbutt Weight Loss Program. Follow the above guidelines, and you, too, can have a Wondrous Butt like me.
Dear Biggest Loser Production Team,
Please consider Wonderbutt for participation in the next season of your show. He weighs 65 pounds, which is quite disproportionate to his approximately 2.5 feet of length. According to his doctor, he must lose 10 pounds. I know that your website mentions a requirement that applicants must need to lose at least 85 pounds, but I think it would be more fair to use percentages since this criteria clearly discriminates against body types that are vertically challenged.
One of Wonderbutt’s greatest qualities is that he is open to new exercise routines, such as swimming. He has even gotten involved in your Biggest Loser Kinect game. Well, he kept walking in front of the camera while Dimples was trying to play, but he obviously was motivated to participate. Or to trip her. It’s hard to tell what his agenda is sometimes, but doesn’t that usually make for great television?
I understand that your show involves an elimination process. Wonderbutt is actually quite fond of eliminating, which is another reason he is uniquely qualified to be a member of your new Loser team. Please don’t let the fact that he likes to determine where and when the elimination takes place deter you from selecting him. You may want to avoid riding in a car with him if you have recently ticked him off, though.
Given Wonderbutt’s contempt for fashion, your wardrobe budget would be cut by 1/12th if he were to appear on your show. Unless the other members of the cast are careless enough to leave their clothing on the floor. In which case you might need to double the budget. It could go either way.
You will not need to worry about Wonderbutt revealing any secrets from the show or bad-mouthing the trainers. Unless bad-mouthing is a new term for licking them obsessively.
Wonderbutt is used to getting along with diverse housemates. He is non-judgmental of those who are different from him, including snakes and his current roommate, Mrs. Pain In the Butt. He may have a tendency to hurl himself into the other cast members’ genitals, but this is just his way of being affectionate.
In conclusion, I think Wonderbutt would be the perfect candidate for your next crop of twelve Losers. He will blow you away with his dedication to this weight-loss challenge. Or, he might just blow you away. His digestive problems make him great at clearing a room.