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Legally Blinder Than Elle

My first day of my Harvard conference, I woke up early to shower and make my legs smooth with my brand new razor purchased during a risky nighttime trek to the local CVS in Harvard Square.

Everything was going well until I attempted to insert my brand new, 24 hour old contact lenses.

The right one was ripped.

I am always prepare for this problem. Every time I travel, I bring an extra pair of contacts. For 20 years, I’ve never needed to use them.

So, for this trip, I decided to shed the .111 ounces that they might weigh, considering my luggage had a weight limit, and I did not bring them.

I have been known to make dumber decisions, unfortunately.

I did however, bring my glasses. Which I never, ever wear in public. Great. My first day to make an impression on the people of Harvard, and I get to walk around looking Mr. Magoo.

Our conference was scheduled to take place at Harvard’s Department of Education. But the group for this session was too big. So, they moved our meeting place.

To the Law School. Harvard Law School.

Our room looks like a set from Legally Blonde.


Just walking into our auditorium made me feel like my I.Q. had risen 25 points.


Until I had to go to the restroom.


I think that there should be a course added to all high schools called, “Toilets of the World.” Because every time I think that I have seen it all in the world of flushing, something else sets me back. And bathroom stalls are not my favorite place to have to learn new things. As far as I am concerned, potty breaks should not require any type of thought.

I am expecting the Harvard Campus Police to escort me from the building any moment for forgetting which way to jiggle the handle.

I just hope they will let me take off my glasses before they take my mugshot.

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