Well, I’ve made it 84 posts without bringing this up, but I’m afraid my streak is ending.
You know how you avoid mentioning some people in your post, because you don’t want them to recognize themselves, or you just plain don’t want to be one of those people who talks behind others’ backs? Well, those aren’t my reasons for avoiding this topic. I just had a lot of other things to talk about, and now I’m out of ideas.
So, I happen to be very close to an elderly woman. I won’t say what the relationship is, but let’s just call her MILlie. MILlie is the sweetest person in the world, but she’s getting up there in years, and needing a little more help than she used to.
MILlie just moved to the big city to an apartment around the corner from us. After living in a town with two streetlights for 30 years, she is having a hard time finding her way around and negotiating San Antonio traffic. That’s where I come in. Kind of like the slightly less blind leading the blind.
Which is a nice seque into the next paragraph.
For about a year, MILlie has been complaining about her eyeglasses. Finally, I convinced her to visit my own eye doctor, who found her previous prescription to be very wrong, and wrote out a new one for her. This necessitated a visit to the local Eyeglassorama Extraordinaire, who promised her not one, but two new pairs in two weeks. MILlie was delighted at this guarantee of improved sight, and declared she would be throwing those Horrible Old Glasses away as soon as the new ones arrived.
I dutifully took MILlie to the discount people two weeks later, and they patiently fitted her eyeglasses. Afterwards, we went to lunch and celebrated her amazing super-duper vision.
I think you can see where this is going. Pun intended. Since this whole post is in bad taste anyway, I don’t see the problem in sticking a few puns in here and there.
So, a few weeks later, you can imagine my consternation when MILlie appeared to have begun wearing the Horrible Old Glasses again. After some quizzing from me, she admitted that the new ones just didn’t seem right.
Back to Eyeglassorama Extraordinaire we went, and a very nice man tolerantly attempted to get down to the problem MILlie had with her glasses. After determining one pair hadn’t gotten the right lens prescription and the other one needed some frame adjusting, he took them both to send out for repairs.
When they finally came in again, Cap’n Firepants took MILlie to pick them up, presumably going through the same fitting song and dance that had already happened twice now.
MILlie declared herself satisfied.
Today, I took MILlie for her first haircut in the big city. She had been unhappy with her hair for at least a year, and had taken to wearing thin pink plastic headbands in it to keep it out of her face, making her look slightly deranged. It took about 30 minutes for her to negotiate with the stylist about her cut. When a suitable one seemed to be agreed upon, the shearing ensued.
I could not believe the difference. After the cut, MILlie looked at least 10 years younger. I enthusiastically thanked her stylist, and took a bunch of phone photos of MILlie Minus the Headband. We went to lunch and celebrated her new gift of an updated do.
MILlie declared herself satisfied.
Halfway through lunch, I noticed her glasses. Her old pair. The pair she had cursed up and down and wanted to throw out the car window while the car was moving. I had been so focused on her hairstyle, I hadn’t paid attention until then to the glasses she had replaced on her nose after the cut and style. They were curiously slanted on one side farther from her face, but they were definitely the old pair.
When I asked her about it, she said she was still trying to get used to the new ones.
Kind of hard to do if you aren’t wearing them.
MILlie is coming to dinner tonight. If she doesn’t have either the old pair of glasses or the pink headband on, I will delete this post.
If it’s still here tomorrow, well, then, I think it’s safe to assume that MILlie was not satisfied.