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The Internet – Where Everybody Knows Your Name Unless You Completely Made It Up

Okay.  Don’t take this the right way.  But I’m a bit worried about some of my recent subscribers.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m thrilled to have more than 20 people following my blog.  But I’m not 100% certain you’re all people.

For example, “thebiggestonlinestorenamedafterarainforest”* does not seem to be a person’s name.  But, as there is no blog or profile to accompany this moniker, I can’t really verify that.

“Rentacar2020″* seems like an unusual, and completely unoriginal, handle, as well.  I mean, as a former BJ and the Bear fan, I’m all for living out your fantasies by changing your name in the virtual world, but I would go with “angeleyes” or “hot pants” (recommended to me by the Smokey and the Bandit CB Handle Generator; they know me so well), not a generic name like “rentacar”.  If you like automobiles so much, maybe you could try, “drivealamborghinibeforeyoudie” instead.  That’s a bit more exciting, at least.

I must admit that I was a little flattered when I saw that “macaulaysbrewpub”* had subscribed.  I thought, “How sweet!  An entire bar just committed to reading my blog.”  I pictured the cast from Cheers hanging out on their stools with iPads, and reading excerpts from my post out loud, inducing chuckles of delighted appreciation from Sam and Woody.  Carla would make some derisive comment about my farting bulldog, and Cliff would nod knowingly at my extremely astute observation that terrorists are poisoning our food and then proceed to diagnose all of my various ailments.

But then a torrent of company names began to flood my inbox, and it was a bit harder to picture “buyflourescentlightsathalfprice”* as an avid fan of my enviable writing skills, buying Norm another beer as the two shake their heads at my latest exploits with sheep eyeballs and wooden spoons.

I haven’t quite figured out the advantage that “buyflourescentlightsathalfprice”* and his cohorts gain from adding themselves to my lengthy roll of admirers, but I’m guessing that they are aliases for terror cells who want to keep track of how close I am to guessing their nefarious plans.

Or maybe I’ve got this all wrong, and the employees at Home Depot are a fan base I should really tap in to.  Wonderbutt could be a virtual saint to them for all I know.  We probably contribute at least half of the company’s annual profit with all of our trips to buy materials to fix things that darn bulldog has eaten.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, “Thanks for hitting the subscribe button, but if you aren’t a real person – or the fictional cast from Cheers – then I am perfectly fine with you latching on to someone else’s blog.  I don’t know what game you’re playing, but it’s giving me a complex that “geishasofjapan”* decided they needed to declare their love for me.  STOP FOLLOWING ME!”

Unless you’re real.  Unless you are a sane person who has excellent taste in writing and absolutely no desire to be a serial killer.  In that case, follow all you want.  But, for Pete’s sake, PICK A BETTER NAME!  Trust me, Pete will appreciate it.

*Names have been changed from the names they were changed to – mostly because I figure you shouldn’t get free publicity on my blog just for having a boring name.  Plus, I don’t want to get sued.

Norm raises his glass to me - Mrs. Cap'n Firepants -  "The only woman I love more than Vera."

Norm raises his glass to me – Mrs. Cap’n Firepants – “The only woman I love more than Vera.”

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Stop Following Me

Zazzle.com Knows How I Feel

I mean it.  You there.  Stop it.  You’re creeping me out. Shoo.

No, not you, Loyal Blog Reader.  You’re fine.  Stay right there.  It’s the Other People I’m trying to get rid of.

You know.  The ones who started following me with absolutely no kind of invitation or wearing of provocative clothing, I swear.

It’s those darn Pinterest People.

So, here’s the thing.  I heard about how great Pinterest was, and how I just “had to get an invite”, so I begged someone to invite me, and created an account.  Because I totally missed the Facebook bandwagon (this is why I haven’t liked you, in case you’re wondering), and I didn’t want to get left in the dust on anything else.

But then I didn’t have time to actually use my account.  And then I forgot my account name and password.

And then someone was showing me again how it cool it is, and I thought I should really try to figure out WTF my name is.  My Pinterest name, I mean.  I only forget my own name when in the presence of people who – well, I digress.

Shockingly, I figured it out after three tries, and there it was.  My empty bulletin boards just waiting for some pins.

And then I noticed that there were 11 people following me.

I couldn’t believe it.  I mean, I literally had like three things pinned on my boards AND ELEVEN PEOPLE thought I was worthy enough of following.

It’s kind of insulting.

Why, you may ask, do I find this insulting?

Because I didn’t do anything.  I just saw things I liked on other people’s boards, and hit a button to pin it to mine.

Yet, here on my blog, day in and day out, I work my tail off trying to achieve a Following of Biblical Proportions.  While I may have managed to eke out more than 11 followers here on WordPress, it’s certainly taken a heckuva lot more work than clicking on the mouse three times.  That’s a total of 9 mouse clicks I did to gain 11 followers  on Pinterest.

So, let’s see, if I remember my Algebra correctly:

9 over 11 = 6000 over x

Carry the 1 and subtract -16 and take the square root.  Multiply by an imaginary number, and I should have, proportionately, like over 7300 followers by now on this blog.

I don’t.

But I have a plan.

I’m going right now into my Pinterest account, if I can remember what it is, and I’m going to find my blog and pin THAT to one of my boards.

Apparently

Haha!  Take that, you Weird People who Follow Me for Showing No Productivity, Creativity, or Even Originality in Naming My Own Virtual Bulletin Boards.

Not you, Dear Reader.  Carry on.

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