I got a blow-out at the hair salon the other day. Loved it. (Blow-out, dirty-minded people.)
So, I decided to replicate the procedure at home. 45 minutes later, I finished, and marched out into the living room to show my blown-out bombshell self to the family.
Cap’n Firepants smiled that “I love you so much, you sexy lady” smile and came up and kissed me.
“So, you decided to go with the frizzy look today?” he whispered in my ear.
And this is where I am going to give you the Secret to a Good Marriage – The Not Large Caucasian Exaggeration (the politically correct version of The Little White Lie).
Novices might think that Cap’n Firepants should never have said that my hair looked frizzy. BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG.
Novices might think I should be mad at Cap’n Firepants for calling my hair frizzy. AND THAT WOULD BE RIGHT.
Novices might think I should tell Cap’n Firepants off for calling my hair frizzy. AND THAT WOULD BE RIGHT – BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.
“No, I’m not finished with it yet. Just heating up the flat iron,” I said, sweetly. (Not Large Caucasian Exaggeration – I was heating up, just not heating up the flat iron.)
Here’s why this carefully chosen Exaggeration was important: Because I like Cap’n Firepants telling me the truth so I don’t look like an idiot when I go out in public. And if I get hopping’ mad at Cap’n Firepants for telling me the truth, then he will stop telling me the truth. So, I act like I appreciate his candidness, and suck up my hurt feelings until later.
“For crying out loud, Cap’n Firepants, how many times do I have to ask you to STOP EATING ALL OF THE ICE CREAM? IS THIS YOUR WAY OF SAYING YOU WANT A DIVORCE?!!!”
This has two positive results – I get to finally release my anger about the frizzy hair comment, and he will buy more ice cream the next time he goes to the store.
It’s a win/win situation.
The Not Large Caucasian Exaggeration – no marriage can survive without it.
Add to my ever-growing list of WhatIMeant2Do and Really Screwed Up the fact that I can’t diffuse my hair.
If you are not familiar with this hair styling option, this is what women sometimes do if they would like to have wavy or somewhat curly hair. It involves using a blow dryer with a massage finger looking contraption attached to the blowing part.
I have noted several women at my place of work who have beautiful hair as a result of this styling routine. So, I asked my stylist several months ago how I could achieve the same results.
He patiently showed me the best way to do this, and told me everything NOT to do. He talked me through the whole process as I watched him do it in the mirror.
I did not have a diffuser thingy so I went to good ole Sally’s Beauty Supply to purchase an all-purpose one that “fits on any hair dryer.”
Oh, it fit, all right. But it didn’t stay. I would be standing doubled over blowing my hair, and the thing would pop off and fly across the bathroom. As you can imagine, Cap’n Firepants was not appreciative of all of this racket at 5:30 a.m. when I was preparing to go to work. Especially since the popping off was also usually succeeded by a string of curse words.
I blamed the very sad results the few times I attempted this on my acrobatically inclined diffuser. After nearly decapitating Wonderbutt with the rocket-propelled piece of plastic, I gave up.
But my failure ate at me. And I knew it was all because of that stupid excuse for an all-purpose part. I decided that I needed to invest in a real hairdryer/diffuser combo. Only then could I accomplish the dream hair that I knew was possible.
Again, I asked my long suffering hair stylist to give me step by step instructions. He said, “Didn’t we already try this?” and I explained that I had failed miserably, but I thought that if he gave me instructions one more time, I was sure that I could do it. WhatIMeant2say was that I now have brand new spanking equipment that I was sure would make the whole thing go more smoothly.
If I was willing to break my rule of no personal photographs on my blog, you could see the frizzy mess that I ended up with. If anything, I think it turned out worse than with the exploding diffuser I originally owned.
It isn’t my hairstylist’s fault. If you want to see what a wiz this guy is with hair, check out his video below. I think he was too nice to say that my years of begging him to show me how to do my hair finally inspired him to start his own YouTube channel of how-to videos. I’m not sure what he was trying to tell me by urging me to watch this one first, but I’m wondering if I tried to follow the steps I might actually get my hair right for once.
Because I manage to look like the Bride of Frankenstein quite fine on my own.