I have been recently struggling with gastroenterological problems, and just switched doctors. This is my perception of my appointment with my new doctor on Monday.
Management said, “You know that Colon? He’s inefficient.”
“Tell me about it,” I said. “I don’t understand what that guy’s problem is. I’ve given him everything he’s wanted, and he’s still not doing his job. I’m fed up with that guy’s performance. I think we need to let him go.”
Management shook his head. “We can’t do that. It’s better to have someone doing that job badly then no one doing that job at all.”
“We can find someone else. What about Bladder? She’s always working overtime.”
“Bladder has a completely different skill set than Colon. That won’t work. We need to put Colon on a Growth Plan.”
“A Growth Plan? I don’t want Colon to get any bigger. He’s bad enough as it is.”
“To make him better, not bigger.”
“Let me see that Growth Plan…. Wait a second. Why am I the one making all of the accommodations here when Colon is the one who is the problem? I already gave up Diet Coke and salads for him. I think that’s plenty. Where’s the paper that lists what he’s going to do?”
“Colon has shown that he can’t do the tasks that he has been assigned, and you want to give him a heavier workload? That hardly seems to make any sense.”
“So, are you suggesting that I lighten his load so that he will do a better job? That doesn’t make any sense, either. What about sending Colon to another department? Let someone else deal with his inefficiency.”
“With Colon’s reputation, no one else is going to take him,” Management said, shaking his head. “Brain is going to strike if you send her one more problem. And Heart and Lungs are still threatening to sue after you forced them to participate in that new Exercise Plan. I’m afraid you are going to have to find a way to work around Colon’s short-comings for the sake of the Company.”
“Fine!” I said. “But I want it on the record that I am protesting having to work with an inefficient Colon. And while you’re adding things to my file, put down that Bladder is going to have to work overtime on her own right now if she’s so intent on winning Employee of the Month. I’m tired of staying up late just because she’s some kind of freak who never needs to sleep.”
“Duly noted,” said Management. “But I wouldn’t count on that happening.”
“Well, if someone doesn’t start cooperating with me, I’m just going to have to take my complaints to The Top.”
“I’m sure that could be arranged,” Management stated as I turned around to make my leave.
Maybe I should just file for Bankruptcy and start all over.