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Wonderbutt Gets Ready for Halloween

What does it mean if you promise yourself to blog regularly to hone your writing skills, and then you skip the writing part of the process?  It means Wonderbutt kindly presented some blurry photos right when your week hit its busy peak…

Dimples gives Wonderbutt instructions on choosing decorations from our Halloween storage box.

Dimples gives Wonderbutt instructions on choosing decorations from our Halloween storage box.

 

Wonderbutt "chooses" an appropriate holiday adornment for the family room.  Of course, he is planning for it to adorn his stomach...

Wonderbutt “chooses” an appropriate holiday adornment for the family room. Of course, he is planning for it to adorn his stomach…

 

Wonderbutt decides that the selection process is much easier if he gets in the box himself.

Wonderbutt decides that the selection process is much easier if he gets in the box himself.

 

Then Dimples tried to put a Halloween headband on him, and that was the end of Wonderbutt pretending to be helpful.

 

 

 

 

 

1975 – The Origin of WTF

I can still smell the papier-mâché and feel the sweat rolling down my neck from when I wore this costume.  At what point did I say, “I want to be the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog from Monty Python for Halloween?”

I Think My Bulldog is a Jehovah’s Witness

Wonderbutt is not always this laid back:

Even though October is his birthday month, he always seems a bit cranky when it rolls around.  He is really offended by the events of October 31st, when people actually have the gall to ring our doorbell every two minutes.  And, now he seems to be just as peeved by the simple holiday decorating that my daughter, Dimples, has tried to put up around the house.

This could quite possibly have something to do with the fact that the jack-o-lantern happens to be occupying a spot usually reserved for lizards on our window.  Wonderbutt decided to use his usual ferocious lizard intimidation technique on the gel cling.  The poor pumpkin reacted pretty much the same way the lizards do…

I guess Halloween could offend his religious convictions.  That could also explain his attempts to eat our Christmas decorations.  Although I’m not quite sure what religion would support his attempted kidnapping of the Baby Jesus from his manger.

I’m thinking he’s just worried that we might decide to thoroughly humiliate him like these poor guys:

image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/1796736022/
for more crazy dog costumes, click here

But, he doesn’t have to worry about us dressing him up.  He already looks scary.

Saving the World – One Roll at a Time

“His name is MacGyver. He can fix anything. He could fix a computer with a hairpin and a piece of duct tape.”

Dimples and Cap’n Firepants have been bonding lately over MacGyver.  I tried to watch it with them, but ended up laughing so hard at the critical moments that they kicked me out.

It could be that the background music is ridiculously corny.  Or, it could be that I can’t get Saturday Night Live’s MacGyver spoofs (MacGruber) out of my head.  Or, it could be that I just don’t like to take things very seriously.

I’ve been trying to figure out why Dimples has a sudden affinity for this television show from the 80’s – other than the fact that her dad likes it, too.  (Notice that I don’t question why her dad finds the show so fascinating; he’s a bit of a MacGyver, himself.)

When I looked up quotes from the show, I found a possible connection.  Pretty much one out of three quotes from the guy is about duct tape.

“If I had some duct tape, I could fix that.”

Dimples loves duct tape.  In case you haven’t had a chance to peruse the duct tape aisle of your local Target store lately, it has changed dramatically since the days of the silver colored hardware accessory.  It comes in a multitude of colors, including pink with white polka dots, blue plaid, leopard print, and neon colored peace signs.  Duct tape has branched out.

Why, you may ask yourself, would anyone want duct tape with neon colored peace signs?

Apparently, like MacGyver, the world has realized that duct tape has many uses.  And one of them is for crafts.

Oh yes, you would be amazed at the gifts one can make from duct tape, including: bags, pens, bows, flowers, and wallets.  Google it and you will find people who have made prom dresses and wedding dresses out of the stuff.

Dimples, our little 8-year old entrepeneur, has made a tiny side business out of making duct tape bags, such as this Halloween Trick or Treat bag:

MacGyver Might Appreciate the Skull Duct Tape - If It Wasn't Neon

We have a huge bin of duct tape in various patterns to fit any occasion.  Except fixing things.  I don’t think Cap’n Firepants really wants to use Hello Kitty duct tape to fix his lawn mower or the vacuum cleaner hose.

So, now I’m picturing MacGyver in another one of his hairy situations, saying, “If only I had a roll of duct tape.”  His current babe of the moment whips a roll of zebra striped tape out of her bra, and hands it to him.  He gratefully accepts it, turns away from the camera, and, in a matter of seconds, turns back around with this:

MacGyver's New Tool Bag

“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up… and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.”

That’s what I want on my tombstone.

I Need Wonderbutt Insurance

I am one of the first people to decry the commercialism of Christmas and its ridiculous encroachment into the fall holidays that precede it.  Seeing an aisle of Christmas ornaments right next to the bloody Halloween masks with machetes sticking out of them is just disturbing.  But I guess this is going to be a fight I can’t win.

Dimples keeps playing Christmas music…as she decorates the house with her homemade Halloween decorations. It’s a little disconcerting to listen to “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” as your whistling daughter attempts to tape black bat garland around the mantle.

One of Dimples’ favorite decorations is a plastic spider web that you can suction cup to the window.  The problem is, even when new, the suction cups never seemed to hold for very long.

I pointed out to Dimples that all of the windows to which she wanted to adhere it happen to be within the borders of Wonderbutt’s domain.  And once that web fell to the floor, even a giant mutant arachnid would be no match for the jaws and iron stomach of Wonderbutt.

As I warned Dimples about this, and prompted her to adjust her decorating accordingly, something began to nag in the back of my mind.  Something about decorating and Wonderbutt.  Something that started hurtling toward the front of my mind as “Jingle Bell Rock” began to play.

The Christmas tree.

Crap.

I think we can all agree that there is no way that a Christmas tree would last ten minutes  around Wonderbutt, much less the decorations adorning it or the presents underneath.  And Cap’n Firepants’ Annual Lighting Extravaganza would send us all to Kingdom Come once Wonderbutt sinks his teeth into it.

If you need some proof of Wonderbutt’s intolerance for decorating, take a look at our attempts to outfit Wonderbutt and Mrs. P.I.B. for a Halloween photo shoot.

Mrs. P.I.B. Sportingly Models a Halloween Boa

Wonderbutt Draws the Line at Mrs. P.I.B.'s Halloween Headband

I Mean It - No More Stinkin' Halloween Pictures!

So-o-o, back to the tree problem –

Possible solutions: no tree, tree in bedroom, bathroom, or garage, tree suspended from the ceiling, or gated-off tree.

My mother used to tie our tree to a hook on the ceiling to keep the cats from knocking it down.  She didn’t hang the tree, just used the hook as a kind of safeguard.

Trying to safeguard the tree against Wonderbutt would be like chaining your house to a telephone pole to keep a tornado from carrying it off.

Since I’ve learned that gates are just a temporary obstacle to Wonderbutt when he makes up his mind to get some place, I’m thinking we should not tie the tree so it will fall if Wonderbutt touches it, scaring the bejeezus out of him.

And then we have to pay the vet $1000 when he gets poked in the eye by a pine branch.

Or, maybe we should just torch the house now and get all of the destruction over with once and for all.

So, once again, it is the middle of October, and the most suitable costume for me seems to be the Grinch.

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