December’s Dead Rubber Post

I need to title these a bit more carefully, I guess.  I was searching my own blog to find out if I ever did a November Dead Rubber Post, and found the one that I did last year.  Only, I had to read half of  it to realize that I wrote it over a year ago.  Which makes me wonder, “If I don’t even remember it, my readers, half of whom had probably not even chanced upon my blog yet last November, would probably not remember it.  Which means that I could do a little copy/paste trick and none would be the wiser.”  Except now that I’ve filled you in on my evil scheme, you would be wiser.  If I even had the energy to erase those first few sentences, I would not have to be composing a Dead Rubber Post to begin with.  So, here we are.

If you would like to read last November’s Dead Rubber Post, and to find out what the heck a Dead Rubber Post is, then you can click here.  Otherwise, you can just look at some pictures of Wonderbutt the Bulldog employing his usual diplomatic manners as he encounters more evidence of nefarious Christmas decor that must be eaten.

Wonderbutt and Mrs. Pain in the Butt confront a new holiday decoration.

Mrs. P.I.B. keeps her distance, but Wonderbutt never backs away from a fight.

Wonderbutt cautiously approaches.

 

Wonderbutt ferociously warns Penobscott Penguin that his presence is not welcome in the Firepants household.

 

Penobscott deflates in defeat.

Satisfied that he has established his Grinchitude, Wonderbutt retires to his bed to chew on his (rein)deer antler. We’re still waiting for him to discover the tree…

 

 

 

 

 

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At Least It Wasn’t the Toilet

How a Firepants Family Thanksgiving Goes Down:

The week before:

• Cap’n Firepants buys a 75 pound turkey that will be eaten by approximately 6 people.
• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a restaurant.
• Cap’n Firepants says that he loves to cook the Thanksgiving meal.  It’s just the cleaning he does not enjoy.  There is an implication there that Mrs. Cap’n Firepants does not like.
• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a restaurant.

The day before:

• Cap’n Firepants buys his favorite pecan pie from Bill Miller’s, and starts preparing items for the meal.
• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants despairs of going to a restaurant.  Once the pie has been purchased, the wheels have been set in motion.

The day of:

• Cap’n Firepants begins to cook the turkey, cleaning the kitchen as he goes along.
• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants is thankful that she has married the greatest husband in the world, and that her anti-depressant seems to be kicking in.
• Wonderbutt waits in the kitchen for delectable bits to be dropped on the floor.
• The Globetrotters (the cousins, not the basketball team) arrive.
• The kitchen sink backs up, upchucking disgustingly dirty water into the ice machine and all over the kitchen floor.  Decidedly unappetizing.
• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a restaurant.
• Wonderbutt tries to help by licking up the dirty water.
• The plumber is called, and valiantly arrives in record time so he can charge us time and a half and another half for working on a holiday.  About how much it would have cost to go to a restaurant.
• The kitchen sink is fixed.
• Wonderbutt refrains from eating the plumber.
• Thanksgiving dinner is saved, and only twice as much cleaning needs to be done.
• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants strongly considers feeding the leftovers to Wonderbutt, but is slightly concerned he will explode, forcing her to clean the kitchen for a third time.

The next day:

• Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a spa.

Not our plumber. I think. Definitely not our house.  It’s too clean.
photo credit: John Carleton via photopin cc

 

I am Thankful for My Favorite Anti-Depressant

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, does not really understand the whole concept of our American Thanksgiving.

 

He seemed a bit miffed when I mentioned that he will not be feasting with the rest of us.

Despite his lack of social skills, I am thankful for Wonderbutt.  It’s ironic that a dog who looks so mournful all of the time can always put a smile on my face.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Firepants Family!

 

 

Happy Frog Jumping Day

Frog Jumping Day, which always occurs on May 13th, got a bad deal this year.  Completely eclipsed by Mother’s Day in the United States and other countries, Frog Jumping Day has received absolutely none of the publicity it deserves.  Even Hallmark, generally more than willing to leverage any holiday into a commercial money-making machine, seems to be determined to thumb its nose at Frog Jumping Day, which I think is a serious error.  I mean, think about it.  Not everyone has a mom to honor, unfortunately, but anyone can get involved in frog jumping.  It is truly a non-partisan holiday.  Inspired by author Mark Twain’s entertaining short story, “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County”, Frog Jumping Day is feted every year at the Calaveras County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee in California.  But, there’s nothing stopping you from making a day of it in your own hometown.

While you’re busy coaxing frogs to jump, be on the lookout for leprechauns.  It’s Leprechaun Day today, too.  The uninformed might believe that this is celebrated on St. Patrick’s Day in March or on National Limerick Day (which was yesterday).  Based on what I know about them, the leprechauns would probably prefer that you keep thinking that.  They aren’t too fond of extra attention, I hear.  Which kind of begs the question of who lobbied for a day in their honor to begin with.  But the fact remains that today is their day, too.

photo credit: http://www.theultimateholidaysite.com

It seems to me that all of this overlap is poor planning on the part of the members of the Official Ridiculous Holiday Committee.  If you take a look at other days in this month, you can see that a little rearranging would create a better flow in the month of May.  I mean, clearly, Mother’s Day, Visit Your Relatives Day, and No Dirty Dishes Day are just meant to be celebrated simultaneously.  And why you wouldn’t put World Turtle Day and Frog Jumping Day on the same calendar block is beyond me.  I can see the logic, however, in not grouping National Escargot Day or National Sea Monkey Day in that bunch.

Since you asked, yes, I am having a great Frog Jumping/Leprechaun Hunting/Mother’s Day.  I’m a little busy rehearsing, though.  Tomorrow is Dance Like a Chicken Day, and I want to be prepared.  According to my daughter, I dance more like a frog on a hot frying pan.  Which was a pretty callous remark when you think about it.  After all, it’s Frog Jumping Day.

The Wascally Wabbit Escaped!

Dimples and I came home to this on Friday:

It took us a moment to identify Wonderbutt’s new toy.  He proudly led us to the remains of the toy and its companions.

Lovingly gathered with his other toys at the perfect spot on the stairs for ankle-twisting.

In case you have not figured it out by now, it was originally a collection of Easter Bunny straws that Dimples had washed had laid out on the counter on a paper towel to dry.  It had been there for two days before Wonderbutt decided that the straws were meant for him. Because that’s why we put things on the counter, you know.  To keep him entertained while we are gone.

This one straw was "passed over" by Wonderbutt for reasons unknown.

I did try to get a holiday photo that would be a bit more appropriate.

It won’t surprise you that Wonderbutt would not cooperate.

Wonderbutt does all exploring with his mouth.

It's going to be another colorful day in the Poop Pen. Sigh...

Mrs. P.I.B. tactfully pretended not to see the Easter Bunny when he/she came to hide the eggs.

But, if the Easter Bunny did not make it to your house, this may be why - he/she was assaulted by Wonderbutt. It was not a pretty sight...

That dog is determined to dismantle society as we know it – one calendar page at a time.