Previously, on whatimeant2say, I began my Awards Acceptance Speech, but was abruptly stopped by an orchestrated disturbance claiming I had gone over my time limit. I was able to hijack another star’s allotted spot (Oprah has enough awards anyway) in order to finish up.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted – well, I don’t know what I was saying. But here is what I will say.
I will say that I am here to stay.”
Uh, did I mention that I downed a few “refreshments” in the interim before I was able to reappear at the podium?
“Yes, I am here to thank all of the pittle leeple. My blog is a suck fest due to you. No, that’s not whatimeant2say. It’s a fu- nope, that’s not it, either. Never mind. Moving on. I have to thank you, first, for my Biggest Liar award.
Because I fooled you all! No one figured out that the true statements were 1, 3, and 6. That’s probably because I made a little error with #1. I was in “Scrooge – the Musical” in high school, not “Scrooged.” Sorry about that “d” I added. It’s been 25 years since I was in high school, so I think that minor mistake should be forgiven. I know – I don’t look that old. I am very well-perturbed.
Anyhoo, those of you who thought #2 was true must not know me at all. I am just completely insulted that you thought I would ever do that even one time. I don’t remember what “that” was, but I can assure you I am too much of a lady to do it.
Now, I should move on because I don’t want any silly little man in a tuxedo using his stick to shut me up again.
Oh yes. Bumpy Road to Bubba. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Can you say that 10 times fast? Bubber Raby Buggy Humpers. Bubba Baby Bubby Thumpers. Huh? Oh, yeah. So they gave me a HUG. Award, I mean. Not a hug. Don’t you worry, Cap’n Firepants. You’re the only one I hug. I know you don’t think I do it often enough. But – crap. There’s that friggin’ music again! Fine. Just give me my trophy and I will be gone. Fine. Yes, I know there’s no trophy. Fine. I am leaving. Fine. Yes, I know I’m still on stage. I just thought I could squeeze over here an eensy little bit so I could, uh, help out Brad Pitt if he needs any help with his lines on the next present station. Fine. Fine, I said!!!! I’m leaving!”
The worst part? Vera Wang made me give back the dress. That’s okay. It’s hard to put a dress on an Award Shelf, anyway.