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Sure, He SAYS He’s Filming a Movie…

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Jon Stewart has been flirting with me, and I’m not really sure how to handle the whole situation.

I mean, I love him, but, you know, not that way.

I mean I could love him that way under the right circumstances, like if my husband told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, and it turned out he was really shacking up with Jon Stewart’s wife in Argentina.

But that would never happen.  Probably.  I’m pretty sure.  Because my husband would rather walk a golf course than hike a trail, and I would be kind of suspicious if he said he was playing golf and he didn’t come back for a few days.  Mostly because he can’t last more than 3 hours on a course without deciding that he completely despises the game and should never play again.

But back to the Stewart thing, you are probably wondering how I know about his not-so-secret crush.  My answer is, “Well, women just know these things.”  And that is true.  We are amazingly attuned to men who are attracted to us.  I totally knew, for example, when my dry-cleaner had a crush on me, even though it took him 18 months to inform me of this.  And with him, there were really only two clues: 1.) he always had my form filled out before I even walked in the door, and Dos.) he kept giving me random discounts when no one else was there.

It was so obvious.

My two clues with Jon Stewart are: 1.) his recent hysterical interview with David Sedaris, who just happens to be my favorite author, and whose book I had just ordered on Amazon the same exact day he appeared on the Daily Show, and Dos.) his completely random attack on my sworn enemy, Donald Trump, who would completely justify someone’s use of “toupee-dar“.

I mean, for those two events to happen on his show within the span of one week is just way too much of a coincidence.

And then he announced that John Oliver will begin guest hosting on June 10th, and that just makes everything as clear as the unflavored Knox gelatin mixed with warm water that I paint on my daughter’s hair when she has to do a synchronized swimming performance.

Because June 10th is exactly when my vacation starts.  And if Jon Stewart is not going to be hosting his show, just where exactly do you think he is going to be?

Obvious, right?

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