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Our Government is Useless. Next Time I’m Calling KFC.

Me:  Hello, I would like to join the Witness Protection Program.

Them:  I’m afraid you have the wrong number.

Me:  You’re just saying that because you have to be secret.

Them:  No, you really do have the wrong number.

Me:  Okay.  Let’s just pretend for a second that this is the wrong number.  What is the right number?

Them:  Did you witness a crime?

Me:  Does watching C.S.I. count?

Them:  So, you haven’t witnessed a real-life crime?

Me:  I saw a man wearing socks with sandals yesterday.

Them:  Ma’am, if you have not witnessed someone breaking a law, then I don’t really understand why you need the Witness Protection Program.

Me:  I need to switch identities.  You guys do that, right?

Them:  I told you, this is not –

Me:  I know.  Blah, blah, blah.   Just tell me, where do I go to switch identities?

Them:  Ma’am, you can’t just do that.

Me:  Yes, I can.  I do it all the time.  I’ve got about 15 identities right now.  You should know.  Aren’t you monitoring my e-mails?  That’s my problem.  I have too many identities.  I can’t keep track of them.  I need you to wipe them all out and give me a new one that no one knows.  Especially pizza delivery places.  They are flooding my in-box with coupons.  No matter what identity I pick, they always find me.  Give me a secret identity, that’s what I need.

Them:  Okay, I think I understand.  Here is what you need to do.

Me:  Finally.  I knew you would come around.  Okay, what should I do?

Them:  Either tell me what kind of pizza you want, or stop calling this number!

Me:  Sure.  That’s exactly what you want me to do.  So I’ll have to order my pizza online and give you an e-mail address.

Them:  OR JUST DON”T ORDER A PIZZA.

Dial tone.

Me:  AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT WHO I AM, I’M GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU ON A SOCIAL NETWORK!

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