Blog Archives

Incident Reported at the Firepants Household

Incident report for Case#2011-50075

Incident Type – Damage to Property

Incident Date – approx. between 12/17/11 and 12/19/11

Address – Somewhere in the middle of San Antonio, TX

Victim(s) – Female, age It’s-None-of-Your-Business

Details – The female who looks remarkably young for her age (which is not that old, really) opened the drawer beneath the stove to find that her oven glove had been violated.  See evidence below. (Warning – the following photo is graphic.)

Disemboweled Oven Mitt

The following residents of the household are suspects in the incident.

Suspect #1 (AKA Dimples) - claims to have no knowledge of the incident. Motive might be that she has no hands and dislikes any reminders of this.

Suspect #2 (AKA Mrs. P.I.B.) - Has a guilty face. Motive - Trying to frame Suspect #3.

Suspect #3 (AKA Wonderbutt) - Known to chew everything in his reach. Motive - Known to chew everything in his reach.

The remarkably young-looking crime victim decided to consult the famous Cap’n Firepants for his expert analysis of the case.  Cap’n Firepants had but one question, “Did you say the drawer was closed when you found the oven mitt?”  The victim nodded in the affirmative, and Cap’n Firepants gravely informed her of one more suspect who must be given consideration.  “Indeed, this suspect must be placed above all others based on the evidence,” he assured her.

Suspect #4 (AKA Random Mouse) - the one suspect with the Means to commit the crime. Motive - to bring stuffing back to his nest. And to ruin Mrs. Cap'n Firepants' sleep for the rest of her life.

We will continue to investigate.  This case is NOT closed.  Even though the drawer was.

Incident Report



Incident report for Case#2011-50074

Incident Type – Damage to Property

Incident Date – 9/29/11

Address – Somewhere in the middle of San Antonio, TX

Victim(s) – Female, age 8 and Female, age It’s-None-of-Your-Business

Details – The two females entered their home at approximately 4:30 PM, and discovered the following destruction:

Latch Hook Rug Yarn Strewn Everywhere - the First Indication a Crime Had Taken Place

The Crime Scene Included the Hallway and 3 Bedrooms

The two suspects, AKA Wonderbutt and Mrs. Pain in the Butt, have past criminal histories of Destruction of Property (particularly when the tall, blonde one senses the approach of a thunderstorm).  It is believed that Mrs. P.I.B. actually does the breaking and entering, while the short over-weight one with an underbite does the destroying.  Both suspects should be considered toothed and dangerous. Detectives are also investigating the whereabouts of the possible Mastermind behind these nefarious acts – a suspect also known as Big Mean Kitty.

Big Mean Kitty's Version of Giving us the Finger

Anyone with information that will lead to the termination of these activities should contact The Wonderbutt Hotline at 555-0000.

Released 09/30/2011 at 5:00 PM

%d bloggers like this: