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Just Because Winnie-the-Pooh Went Commando Doesn’t Mean Your Phone Should Suffer, Too

With the unveiling of the new iPhone with fingerprint reading technology, some people have raised the fear of having their fingers cut off for the sake of unlocking a stolen iPhone.

People are so paranoid.  About the wrong things.  Of course the new iPhone should raise some security concerns.  I mean, the most vulnerable part of the phone, the Home button, is now the key to unlocking all of your sexting secrets with a single tap of your specific finger friction ridges.

Clearly, it needs protection.

I give you, my friends, the Smart Pants Smarty Pants.

No well-dressed phone should go without this foundation item.  I mean, you put a case over the back of your phone and there aren’t even any buttons there.  It’s like Winnie-the-Pooh shamelessly marching around in just a shirt.

What you need is something that insulates the front and devotes less of its valuable resources to the unnecessary defense of the rear.  And you can stick it in your pocket without the worry of visible panty lines!

A thong for your phone.

You never knew you needed one.

Smart Pants Smarty Pants - buy them here!

Smart Pants Smarty Pants – buy them here!

Some Seek Asylum While Others Should BE in an Asylum

Wonderbutt, my bulldog, has been listening to NPR too much today.  The Snowden case is freaking him out.

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Wonderbutt trying not to look guilty...

Wonderbutt – worried that his leaks have opened him up to prosecution.

Another Reason Not to Buy Your Bulldog an iPhone

Our bulldog, Wonderbutt, has been reading far too much lately.  I knew I shouldn’t have shown him how to follow Yahoo’s pet posts on the internet.

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Sure - this dog fits in my lap.  Whether I want him to or not.

Sure – this dog fits in my lap. Whether I want him to or not.

And do the Hoagy Pogey While You Bang Your Head Against a Mirror on Friday the 13th

I spend more time trying not to waste time than I would have spent wasting time without the attempt to avoid it.  The wasting of the time, I mean.

I hate going places to get things fixed.

Because I hate waiting in line, and I hate having someone tell me to my face that there is nothing they can do, and that I should just GIVE IT UP, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, YOU STUPID IDIOT.  THAT THING IS DEAD AND JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF COULDN’T RESURRECT IT!

They haven’t actually said that, but I know they are thinking it.

So, lately, my Apple devices have been giving me various problems.  And I decided that I should go online to figure out how to solve them.  I’m a pretty tech-savvy person, so I figured I might be able to do it myself.

There is loads of advice on the internet on how to fix your Apple devices.  I would venture to say that there is more advice on the internet about this than about how to fix anything else – including your zipper or your credit.

It took me awhile to figure out that most of this advice, given in very reliable-looking technogeek jargon, is full of crap.

I have done everything recommended on every forum and it has not made a bit of difference.  I did get a bit suspicious when one guy said that you have to hold down the Home button and the Power button while you stand on your head and drink a cup of coffee.  But he said it worked for him, so I went with it.

It turns out that spilled coffee does not improve the inner workings of Apple devices.  Neither does throwing them across the room while you try to keep burning coffee from going up (or down) your nose.

So I am trying to figure out if the people on those forums accidentally fixed their devices and just figured that whatever event preceded these miraculous repairs must have been responsible.

Or, do they have so much time on their hands that they can visit every forum on the internet and giggle wildly as they type in stupid, but remotely possible, advice to gullible people like me?

Well, I have learned my lesson.  Yessir.  No more ridiculous attempts to fix things on my own.  I made my appointment and the Geniuses of Apple can sort through this mess.

Let’s keep that little coffee incident between you and me, okay?  People can be kind of fussy about warranties.

An Apple Genius can fix this, right?  I mean, there might be a couple of small pieces missing, but that's no big deal... photo credit: phot0matt via photopin cc

An Apple Genius can fix this, right? I mean, there might be a couple of small pieces missing, but that’s no big deal.  Right?
photo credit: phot0matt via photopin cc

Wanted: A Trampoline with a Slingshot – and Maybe a Pig or Two

A new text from my deprived, overweight bulldog, Wonderbutt:

And the video that inspired me to consider the addition of a trampoline to his weight loss program:

This is Exactly Why I Hate to Get New Things

So, first of all, yes, I am in the process of switching medications.  I know my last post caused one person people in many countries to be concerned for my well-being.  My doctor says that I can wait a whole month before I see him again, but made me repeat to him twice the proper dosage I should be self-administering.  Which made me question his confidence in me.  Which made me question my confidence in him.

It seems that, when my depression starts taking over, I begin to obsess about how horrible life is – and small obstacles suddenly become monumental examples of why I shouldn’t bother trying to even live.

Perfect example:

I finally opened my iPhone.  Then I was afraid to do anything with it because I was worried that I would ruin it.  I made my husband take me to the store the very next day so I could get all kinds of bullet-proof equipment to protect it from my clumsy self.

I bought one of those “shields” that you put on the screen to keep it from getting scratched or fingerprinted.

Big mistake.

If any of you have tried to put one of those darn films on a phone or tablet, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  You have to be a friggin’ engineer with a medical degree to correctly affix it.

And, surprisingly, I am neither.

After 4 efforts, I finally arranged it so that there is only one air bubble under the film.

One air bubble that I have fixated on for the last 24 hours.

One air bubble that is seriously challenging my will to live.

Because, if I can’t do this right, what’s the point?  What’s the point in trying to have nice things?  Remember that new car I got – and the scratch I put on it the very next day?  Remember the new concrete floors I got, and the scratch they got a couple of weeks later?

Okay, that was my husband’s fault.

Remember that new husband I got (12 years ago), and the way he got me a bulldog named Wonderbutt, and the way this bulldozing wonder of a dog completely re-decorated my house in a way that would not be considered acceptable by any of the hosts of an HGTV show?

Remember when seeing all of those new houses on HGTV totally caused the housing bubble?

ARGGGGGHHHH!  Remember that BUBBLE ON MY IPHONE THAT WILL NEVER, EVER GO AWAY?!!!!!!!!!!!

…Remember that new medication I started, and the way it helped me blow everything way, way, way, out of proportion?

P.S.  If you want to know how to install a Zagg Shield without having to resort to medicating yourself, John Chow’s video might help you.  As long as you aren’t worried about dowsing your device with fluid…

At Least He Doesn’t Text and Drive

Wonderbutt telling me I better buckle up.

 

So, here are a few very recent texts from our bulldog, Wonderbutt:

I refuse to buy him the new iPhone.

He can have my old one.

Now, Where Did I Put My Gas Mask?

So, as usual, our house is a construction zone, and our bulldog, Wonderbutt, has to have his nose in everything.  Based on his text messages to me, his interpretation of things is a bit different than ours…

 

 

He acts all macho, but you should have seen him jump the first time the “new dog farted”! 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Refuse to Get Him the iPhone 5

A couple more correspondences between me and our texting bulldog, Wonderbutt:

 

Too much barking. Or too much pizza. It’s a toss-up.

Another Reason Why I Don’t Need a Gun

I don’t think I ever gave a first, or second, or third reason for not owning a gun.  But, I’m pretty sure you don’t care.  Anyway, here is another text from Wonderbutt, the bulldog, explaining why I have nothing to fear – besides him.

Thank goodness Wonderbutt protects us from Evil Lizard Monsters.

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