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Another Reason Why I Don’t Need a Gun

I don’t think I ever gave a first, or second, or third reason for not owning a gun.  But, I’m pretty sure you don’t care.  Anyway, here is another text from Wonderbutt, the bulldog, explaining why I have nothing to fear – besides him.

Thank goodness Wonderbutt protects us from Evil Lizard Monsters.


I Have a Razor and I’m Not Afraid to Use It

“This all comes from having a husband who has a sketchy history with lizards.” This is what I was thinking Sunday night when I was in the middle of risking my life on the mean streets of Boston.

My day started early in the a.m when I started getting ready for my trip to Boston.

In the middle of my shower, I decided I should shave my legs in case my plane crashed. Then, I told myself that I needed to remember to pack a razor. Then I put my foot on my little teak table in my shower. And then I bent down and was face to face with a lizard.

I am not freaked out by lizards – though it is somewhat disconcerting to find one in my shower. I responded to this surprise visit by finishing my business, and then grabbing Cap’n Firepants’ phone from his bedside table so I could take a picture.

“Whadrudoin?” the Cap’n sleepily asked.

“Documenting the lizard in our shower.”

It’s a testament to Cap’n Firepants that he did not ask any follow up questions.

A few minutes later, the Cap’n got up to take his shower.

“Where is the lizard?” he asked.

“Why?” I said, cautiously. Actually, I think I said, “Why? Don’t you dare kill him. He’s cute.” The Cap’n and I differ on the treatment of varmint trespassers. He likes to squish them under his foot, while I generally pick them up and take them outside.

“So I don’t step on him by accident,” he responded, to my relief.

The point of this whole story is that I completely forgot to pack my razor, due to my fear that Cap’n Firepants might squish the unfortunate lizard in our shower. This is what I realized when I reached my Boston hotel later that evening after my exciting adventures barely evading the law for flying under an assumed name that wasn’t even my choice to assume in the first place. (See yesterday’s post for that fun story.)

So I decided to make a trek around 8:30 at night to the local CVS pharmacy.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned before that I completely lack any kind of map-reading skills, night sight, or sense of direction. Or common sense.

Oh, and I was alone.

Of course I went 10 blocks in the wrong direction at the beginning of my trek. But I finally found the CVS with the help of the good people of Harvard Square.

There were some decidedly unacademic looking people hanging out at the CVS.

Quite a few seemed to be having an attack of the munchies.

But I made it back to the hotel safe and sound, and confident in the fact that I would have smooth legs during my first day on the Harvard campus.

Now I am going to include a picture of the lizard and, in retrospect, it really wasn’t worth risking my life to take. I am telling you this now because I don’t know how to make captions on my pics using the WordPress iPad app.


Just Call Him Eeyore

Christopher Robin: There now. Did I get your tail back on properly, Eeyore? 
Eeyore: No matter. Most likely lose it again anyway. 

My daughter, Dimples,  likes to recommend topics for my posts, and she was quite certain that you would be impressed by this one.  Since we are currently in the middle of a standardized testing week and I, being a teacher, am not allowed to say anything about which I have plenty I would like to say, I decided to take her up on her suggestion.

A couple of nights ago, I glanced out our window, and saw not one, not two, but three lizards congregated on the pane.  I pointed it out to the family, who had just finished dinner, and everyone wandered over to get a better view.

When we got closer, we noticed that one of the lizards appeared to be biting the side of one of the other lizards.  It was a bit hard to tell since we were looking at them from the bottom.  He could have been just resting his head on the other one, I guess.  Although that doesn’t seem to happen a lot in nature, neither do I often observe two lizards frozen in some sort of death grip.  I guess the third lizard was just an innocent bystander.

I gently tapped the glass to see if any of the three would move.  For a brief moment, nothing happened.  Then the lizard who appeared to be the victim suddenly leapt away – right as my husband, Cap’n Firepants, wisely predicted, “He’s going to get his tail.”

And that’s exactly what happened.  If you have ever tried to capture one of these lizards yourself, you may have had the odd experience of grabbing its tail – and finding that is the only thing you are left holding.  These guys are great at escaping by sacrificing this appendage, and can grow another one back like a starfish replaces a limb.

So, that’s what happened.  Mean Lizard tried to bite Victim Lizard, only to grab the tail.  The tail came off, and all of us got to witness this inch and a half long piece hanging out of the lizard’s mouth – continuing to wiggle.  Victim Lizard, of course, escaped.  I don’t know what happened to Innocent Bystander Lizard because I was so grossed out by the scene that I immediately turned away.

The other two human members of the Firepants family, however, could not tear their eyes away from the fascinating nature documentary unraveling on our window pane.  Every couple of seconds I got to hear, “It’s still wiggling!”

I know; I should have gotten video footage.  Or at least a still picture.  If you are really interested in seeing a disembodied tail dancing around, you can always watch this YouTube video.

Have you seen my tail?

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