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How to Give Yourself a Black Eye and Other Important Fashion Tips

Just in case my last post did not lead you to the obvious conclusion that mustaches are “in”, allow me to assure you that this is, indeed, a fashion trend that has caught on fire – at least among the tween girls of the suburbs of San Antonio, Texas.  If you are a tween boy, it is less chic, but completely acceptable to sport a handlebar if you happen to be in the company of tween girls.

It is quite possible that just about every picture that I have taken of my daughter in the last 6 months has portrayed her wearing a mustache.  Of course, I cannot verify this information, as my computer crashed last weekend and I do not have any pictures that I have taken of my daughter in the last 6 months.  So, Fashion Tip #1 is:  “Do not let your mother be the only one in possession of your mustache pictures.”

In other news:

In the interest of trying to eke some fashionable outfits of the items that are already hanging in my closet (and trying to procrastinate mourning over my dead hard drive), I decided to clean out the aforementioned wardrobe repository so that I could actually find garments that are suitable for this year’s season.  Although I did not find any mustache-embellished blouses, I did find several frocks that I had neglected until now, and would certainly be acceptably modish if worn by a fashion model in a catalogue.  Unfortunately, they will be draping my figure, instead, but such is the fate of clothing bought off the rack in discount stores.

I also found some distinctly unsatisfactory pieces that, frankly, I am pretty convinced some Pompous Pixie of Personal Attire stuffed into my closet so she could laugh heartily if I ever dared to wear them in public.  Those quickly got thrown in the Clothing Donation pile.

The result of this afternoon of closet cleaning was that my clothes now have room on the poles, and are no longer tightly clinging to hangers in clumps that I cannot slide along the poles.

Which leads me to my black eye.

I was grabbing a fashionable fuschia sweater off a hanger, rushing to chauffeur my daughter to yet another practice, this afternoon.  In my old closet, the hanger would have been forcibly held back by its two neighbors while the sweater would likely have ripped and then raced toward me like a sailor who’s just gotten off a 10 month tour.

However, in the new, improved closet, the hanger reeled back, and with no restraints whatsoever from its companions, let ‘er rip quite forcibly into my right eye.  Kind of like the way the wife of the sailor who was running toward his lover would probably have delivered justice to the hussy  sneaking around with her man.

So, Fashion Tip #2:  Do not clean out your closet.  And if you do, expect repercussions.

According to my title, which looks a bit blurry through my swollen right eye, I should be handing out at least one more fashion tip.

Fashion Tip #3:  If you are a 40ish woman who is trying to distract people from looking at her black eye, go to the local skating rink, purchase a mustache from the vending machine for 75 cents, and affix it to your face.  You can put it wherever you want, as the purpose is to distract, not conform.  Although, I would suggest that creating a monobrow would just bring more attention to your black eye.

Who knows, though – you might just start the next trend.

As you can see on this model, who is not me, you would totally not notice if she had a black eye.  photo credit: Diamond Geyser via photopin cc

As you can see on this model, who is not me, you would totally not notice if she had a black eye.
photo credit: Diamond Geyser via photopin cc

I am Thinking of Growing a Mustache

My new mission in life is to keep my 10-year-old daughter, Dimples, from ever watching the movie version of Les Miserables.  Aside from the obvious reasons (the somewhat dark story line and Russell Crowe’s horrible singing which is only eclipsed by his steadfast refusal to do any acting), I am pretty certain that it would sever our mother/daughter relationship forever.  Because the next time I tell her that we really don’t have enough money to spend on something, all she would have to do is pull the, “Fantine was willing to prostitute herself for her daughter, and you won’t even give me 75 cents to get a stick-on mustache from the vending machine!” complaint, and I will be forced to admit that I am pretty much the worst mother ever.  Particularly since I am 99% certain that she does not know what a prostitute is right now (despite the fact that we once had a discussion about “skanks“, but there is a fine line between the two, I would say, and we never jumped over that line during that specific discussion).  So, I will not only have exposed my daughter to the seedier side of life far too early, but I will also have armed her with the best guilt-trip weapon any daughter could possibly use.  Although I suppose I could point out that, if Fantine was such a great mother, she probably should not have left her daughter with the despicable Thénardiers. But then my quick-witted daughter would say, “But at least I’d get to live with Hugh Jackman!” and I would have to admit that, all in all, that I don’t think I would be too upset if she went to live with Hugh Jackman.  In a daughterly way, of course.

And here’s a thought.  Do you think Hugh Jackman would let me come live with them, too?

But, I guess the real question is, “Should I give my daughter 75 cents to get a stick-on mustache from the vending machine just so she will not think I am a bad mom?”

And the answer is, of course, “Yes.  Because that is small price to pay for not having to be a prostitute.”

P.S. – My other, more pressing, question is, “Why do the actors in Les Miserables always talk with a British accent even though it’s set in France?”

photo credit: seanwolter via photopin cc

photo credit: seanwolter via photopin cc

Happy Graduation, Aja!

Wonderbutt and I would like to wish our pal Aja, over at Writing and Recovering, a rockin’ Graduation Day!  

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