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At Least It Wasn’t the Toilet

How a Firepants Family Thanksgiving Goes Down:

The week before:

  • Cap’n Firepants buys a 75 pound turkey that will be eaten by approximately 6 people.
  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a restaurant.
  • Cap’n Firepants says that he loves to cook the Thanksgiving meal.  It’s just the cleaning he does not enjoy.  There is an implication there that Mrs. Cap’n Firepants does not like.
  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a restaurant.

The day before:

  • Cap’n Firepants buys his favorite pecan pie from Bill Miller’s, and starts preparing items for the meal.
  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants despairs of going to a restaurant.  Once the pie has been purchased, the wheels have been set in motion.

The day of:

  • Cap’n Firepants begins to cook the turkey, cleaning the kitchen as he goes along.
  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants is thankful that she has married the greatest husband in the world, and that her anti-depressant seems to be kicking in.
  • Wonderbutt waits in the kitchen for delectable bits to be dropped on the floor.
  • The Globetrotters (the cousins, not the basketball team) arrive.
  • The kitchen sink backs up, upchucking disgustingly dirty water into the ice machine and all over the kitchen floor.  Decidedly unappetizing.
  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a restaurant.
  • Wonderbutt tries to help by licking up the dirty water.
  • The plumber is called, and valiantly arrives in record time so he can charge us time and a half and another half for working on a holiday.  About how much it would have cost to go to a restaurant.
  • The kitchen sink is fixed.
  • Wonderbutt refrains from eating the plumber.
  • Thanksgiving dinner is saved, and only twice as much cleaning needs to be done.
  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants strongly considers feeding the leftovers to Wonderbutt, but is slightly concerned he will explode, forcing her to clean the kitchen for a third time.

The next day:

  • Mrs. Cap’n Firepants begs to go to a spa.

Not our plumber. I think. Definitely not our house.  It’s too clean.
photo credit: John Carleton via photopin cc


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