After months of data collection and very scientific experimentation, I feel that I am finally ready to assure you that our Diet Coke is not being poisoned by terrorists. Last year, when I began experiencing worse than usual intestinal issues, and no doctor could find anything physically wrong with me, I surmised that terrorists are poisoning our food. This was supported by the additional symptom of memory loss. Whenever I mentioned this theory to my husband, he would raise his eyebrow and suggest that I cut back on my Diet Coke. On second thought, I don’t think he raised his eyebrow. I’m the eyebrow raiser. He is the blue-eyed deadpan starer. It’s very disconcerting.
So, I quit drinking Diet Coke.
Well, that did not help at all. And, now, I have the added side-effect of being drowsy all of the time. But, at least I have eliminated the possibility of a Diet Coke Conspiracy – a feat which I think is deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize. Between refusing to
harbor a fugitive immigrant host a foreign exchange student and discovering that Diet Coke is not the cause of my considerable discomfort (thus avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation with suspect enemy nations), I feel that I have done more than my share in promoting peace and goodwill around the world.
Of course, using the process of elimination to root out the precise poison-carrying food in my diet could take a long time. So, I informed my long-suffering husband, Cap’n Firepants, that I was considering quitting eating altogether. He huffed, which is what he does when he thinks I have just hatched a ridiculous plan. He huffs a lot.
Overhearing this one-sided conversation, my daughter chimed in, “You can live quite a long time without food as long as you have water.” (She just read The Hunger Games. And watched a Beanie Baby version of it on YouTube because I won’t take her to see the actual movie. So, I guess this makes her some sort of famine expert.)
Which I already knew of course. But I also knew that starving myself would not have the desired effect of becoming a National Hero who Was the Normal Mother who Uncovered a Terrorist Plot to Poison our Food (or Drink).
So, I will continue this ridiculously slow procedure of removing one item at a time from my meals in order to discover the offending pabulum. And yes, I just used the online thesaurus to learn a new word.
I am a Hero, a Scientist, and a Logophile. This is what they shall proclaim after the Flash Mob performs at my funeral.
Who died from Unnecessary Diet Coke Withdrawal during the Pursuit of Terrorists-Who-Don’t-Kill-But-Just-Irritate-Your-Bowels.