You Can Have Your Pants Back When I’m Good and Ready

Since I kind of gave everything I had yesterday, and my Writer’s Block shows little signs of subsiding, I am going to resort to the handy blogger trick of making a list.  I’ve decided that I will update you on some of the previous posts, cleverly trying to get you to read other parts of my blog if you happen to be a new visitor.

First update – I’ve decided that I will definitely not do porn.  Anytime soon.  I have gotten more information on the Adult Spelling Bee to be held in December, and it seems that I will not have to do any stripping if I miss a word.  My contact tells me that they will be selecting a book from which to obtain a word list, which should be fine – as long as it is from the Dr. Seuss series.  If the words are more than one syllable, I may be in trouble.  According to the organizers, there is no registration necessary, which worries me due to my problem with staying committed to activities in which I have no monetary investment.

Update Deuce – Wonderbutt’s Weight Loss Challenge.  We have reduced Wonderbutt’s chow intake, and increased his two minute workout to three point five.  Here are the before and after pics.  The difference is astounding.

I May Have Gotten the Before and After Mixed Up

C.  Big Mean Kitty – is on his way to the Great Landfill in the Sky.  More about that tomorrow if my Brain Barricade is lifted by then.

4. Cap’n Firepants has not taken exception to any of the posts including him other than the fact that he still can’t understand why he is called Cap’n Firepants.

Next – Dimples is still torturing me with her homework and her questions from the backseat of the car.  My answers apparently bear no weight though.  I pointed out an excellent example of a skank yesterday when we chanced upon a Halloween costume site, and she asked me, “Now what was that again?”

*I still don’t do Facebook, even though there are lots of people I like.

Also – Every week I capture in my blogging web at least one person who apparently was trying to find out if John Denver really suffered from depression, according to my site stats.  I’m not sure what would be more depressing – if it is the same person, or that there are multiple people with this concern.

Lastly – I’m also somewhat worried about the person who landed on my site when they Googled, “I want my pants back.”  Was he or she hoping for specific results when typing that in?  How disappointing it must have been to click on the link that directed them here.  And so, I felt obligated to title my post today in such a manner that this person’s search will provide an answer to the somewhat demanding statement, “I want my pants back.”  They might find it more satisfying than reading about the exploits of Cap’n Firepants, who I am not willing to surrender at any price.

Tag, You’re It

The above was the recent tag listing on one of my favorite blogs, Twinfamy.

I think he forgot to include a “sarcasm” tag.

According to WordPress, the less tags you use, the better.  However, I noticed that Twinfamy ended up with 108 comments on that particular post, and 8 and 13 on the ones before that.  Personally, I think a whole bunch of people have been searching “inauthentic Dada”, and couldn’t believe it when they finally hit the jackpot.

I have been doing a little research on tags.  In my continual quest to boost my stats I notice that the tag that gets the biggest hits is the News tag.  I did give one of my posts this tag.  And it was a legitimate post about noodling – very educational, too.  I don’t think it was truly appreciated by the News tag surfers however.  I briefly considered doing it on every post just to get some more visits to my site, but figured that would violate some kind of blogging etiquette.  It probably doesn’t increase your stats very much if you tick people off.

I surfed some of the posts that appeared under the News tag and started to fall asleep.  I mean, do people really seek out this stuff?  All you have to do is open Yahoo, read six headlines, and you are caught up.

So I then checked out the second biggest tag – Music.  I perused some of those blogs and couldn’t even understand them.  They were throwing around names of bands and singers that made less sense than the news posts.

One of my most viewed posts had  “Porn” in the title.  Thus, I felt that it was perfectly legal for me to add it as a tag.  I have a feeling that porn seekers might have felt a bit differently after skimming through my announcement of my intention to participate in an Adult Spelling Bee.  Interestingly enough, according the Word Press Cloud of Tags, Porn does not appear to be one of the top ten.  I think there’s some deceit going on here.

After looking at the top ten tags, I realize that I’m really not writing about anything that anyone desires to read.  Where the heck is the animal tag, or bulldog, or dogs?  And, for heaven’s sake, why isn’t there a Wonderbutt tag?

It just occurred to me that maybe WordPress’ tag page is showing the tags that are used the most by bloggers, not necessarily searched the most.  In which case, I need to aim to hit a tag that’s on the page, but not too big because the bigger your tag is, the more competition you have.  But I certainly don’t want to do one of the measly little tags, like Libya.  I know less about that than I do about Music.

After careful consideration, I have settled on the following topic for tomorrow’s post: Miscellaneous.  Surely I can think of something to go with that.  I can feel my stats rising already.

In Which I Announce that I am Not Pregnant and I Refuse to Do Porn (Probably)

I apologize.  That was kind of a low blow yesterday, teasing you with a Big Announcement on today’s post.  I think I was feeling a bit desperate when I realized how little I actually had to say.

Here’s the deal.  I have this friend who is training to do his first full marathon.  It’s a goal he has because he’s about to turn thirty.

He’s psyched about accomplishing this.  And I am sure he will.  He is Very Fit.  And I,well, I am,  uh – well, I’m not Unfit (except maybe as a mother). When was the last time you were able to run around the living room 10 times dragging a fifty pound Wonderbutt clenched like a vise onto the squeaky toy you’re holding?  So, I am Somewhat Fit.  But I just have no desire to do a marathon.

And another thing.  How is running a marathon a major achievement when you are a Very Fit P.E. teacher who is TWENTY-NINE?  Let me hear about a SIXTY-NINE year old who sits around playing World of Warcraft all day completing a marathon (the running kind), and I’ll throw a party for him.

So, then, I noticed Blue Speckled Pup has taken on a three day manuscript challenge.  Which sounds just as hard as a friggin’ marathon in my opinion.  Again, I am kind of middling qualified for this – I could do a scrapbook retreat for three days maybe.

I was really beginning to feel left out in all of this Bucket-List-milestone stuff when I got a pamphlet in the mail.   And I am pretty confident no one I know, and probably no one who has read this, can claim the following accomplishment:

Adult Spelling Bee Champion.

Yes, folks, you heard it first here.  I am going to participate in – and win – an Adult Spelling Bee.

One of our local writing organizations is sponsoring one in December.  At least I think it’s the writing organization who is sponsoring it.  It is on their calendar in their pamphlet of Fall courses.

Now that I think about it, I’m hoping it doesn’t have a Strip Club behind it.  I mean, the word “Adult” could imply something completely different than what I initially imagined.

O.K.  I’m having second thoughts.  I think I better find out a few more details before I start my training regimen.  I mean, I don’t think I’d have a problem with spelling pornographic words, but if there is some kind of performing required, I might have to reconsider.

I still have some dignity.  I mean, I’m not a skank or anything.