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I’ve Got Your List Right Here

First of all, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions.  I need immediate gratification.  I pretty much make resolutions every hour, and I give myself a gold star if I accomplish at least one of them.

Secondly, even if I did make New Year’s Resolutions, I think it would be presumptuous of me to assume that you would be the slightest bit interested in what I feel like I need to improve.

Therefore, I’ve decided this post will be about what I feel like you need to improve.  These are my Resolutions for the World:

  1. For every reality show you watch, you must exercise thirty minutes a day.  If it’s Toddlers and Tiaras, you must run naked around an entire public park with a tiara on your head.
  2. If you participate in a reality show in any way, shape, or form (whether it be the production, the music, or even provide a single prop), you must donate a dollar to charity for every misconception you allow to appear on T.V. uncorrected.  Unless you are a Kardashian.  You ladies have to donate a hundred dollars per transgression.
  3. If you are an adult who participates in Toddlers and Tiaras, you must donate yourself to the local zoo as an attraction to be ogled for at least a month.
  4. You must read my blog at least once a day, or several times a day from different computers.
  5. Spay or neuter your cats and dogs so I don’t have to cry every time I hear Sarah McLachlan’s song from the ASPCA commercial.
  6. If you are a doctor, SEE YOUR PATIENTS AT THEIR SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TIME, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!
  7. Stop voting for politicians for stupid reasons, like “they have good hair” or “they like chicken-fried steak.”  But don’t vote for Donald Trump if he decides to run.  No one with that hair can ever be taken seriously at World Summits.
  8. Laugh at least three times a day.
  9. Do something stupid at least once a day so other people can laugh.  (If you need help, my sister, Crash, and I can give you pointers on this one.)
  10. Cure cancer.

I think that about covers it.  I was going to give you a handy little checklist so you could keep track of your goals, but I don’t want to spoil you.  Just print this out and stick it on your fridge.  And, if my list seems a little too ambitious for you, just focus on the important parts, like #4 and #10, for this year.  You can always build on your success in 2013.

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