Blog Archives

Let’s Try This Again

I am very disappointed in you guys. And, you should not interpret this as any kind of projection of the disappointment in myself that I might be feeling due to the fact that my computer crashed this weekend and I hadn’t backed it up yet.

I just took a gander at my 2012 resolutions for all of you, and you have sadly fallen short on your goals.

The fact that, according to my trusty Googleometer, Toddlers and Tiaras just started a new season shows a blatant defiance of at least three of the resolutions I laid out for you guys. Since I have not read about any recent adult human zoo exhibitions, I guess I can only assume that you have so many samples to choose from, that you cannot decide who would be the best person to stick inside an enclosure.

I am happy to see that you followed my directive to not vote for Donald Trump. Thanks for throwing me that little bone, at least.

I guess no doctors read my blog, as the resolution to see your patients on time does not seem to have been adhered to, according to my sources. And you didn’t cure cancer. As that was really the only goal directly related to saving people’s lives, and technically only had to be accomplished by one person to satisfy the demand, I have to say I am really bummed that that one got no traction.

In retrospect, I guess you could say that I probably overreached a bit with last year’s list. So, this year, I’m just going to give you one thing to do. Well, actually two.

I’m rolling over the cancer curing command. And even though I am erasing the rest of last year’s list, I would like to gently suggest that it will probably be a little more difficult to accomplish this if you are wasting your time watching Toddlers and Tiaras.

Número two-o is to back up your computer. And this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I just lost my favorite recipe for Nestlé chocolate chip cookies as related to me by Phoebe Buffay when my own computer committed Hari Kari a couple of days ago.

The truth is, if you discover the cure for cancer, and your computer crashes and you have no backup, you’re going to be pretty upset with yourself.

Or so I would imagine.

20130101-172505.jpg
PS – I can’t figure out how to caption pictures using my iPad WordPress app. And this was one of the few pictures in my photo library I could include. So, I’m sorry that it has nothing to do with my post. But I’m working with a handicap here, so I hope you will cut me some slack. Even though I didn’t cut you any.

I’ve Got Your List Right Here

First of all, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions.  I need immediate gratification.  I pretty much make resolutions every hour, and I give myself a gold star if I accomplish at least one of them.

Secondly, even if I did make New Year’s Resolutions, I think it would be presumptuous of me to assume that you would be the slightest bit interested in what I feel like I need to improve.

Therefore, I’ve decided this post will be about what I feel like you need to improve.  These are my Resolutions for the World:

  1. For every reality show you watch, you must exercise thirty minutes a day.  If it’s Toddlers and Tiaras, you must run naked around an entire public park with a tiara on your head.
  2. If you participate in a reality show in any way, shape, or form (whether it be the production, the music, or even provide a single prop), you must donate a dollar to charity for every misconception you allow to appear on T.V. uncorrected.  Unless you are a Kardashian.  You ladies have to donate a hundred dollars per transgression.
  3. If you are an adult who participates in Toddlers and Tiaras, you must donate yourself to the local zoo as an attraction to be ogled for at least a month.
  4. You must read my blog at least once a day, or several times a day from different computers.
  5. Spay or neuter your cats and dogs so I don’t have to cry every time I hear Sarah McLachlan’s song from the ASPCA commercial.
  6. If you are a doctor, SEE YOUR PATIENTS AT THEIR SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TIME, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!
  7. Stop voting for politicians for stupid reasons, like “they have good hair” or “they like chicken-fried steak.”  But don’t vote for Donald Trump if he decides to run.  No one with that hair can ever be taken seriously at World Summits.
  8. Laugh at least three times a day.
  9. Do something stupid at least once a day so other people can laugh.  (If you need help, my sister, Crash, and I can give you pointers on this one.)
  10. Cure cancer.

I think that about covers it.  I was going to give you a handy little checklist so you could keep track of your goals, but I don’t want to spoil you.  Just print this out and stick it on your fridge.  And, if my list seems a little too ambitious for you, just focus on the important parts, like #4 and #10, for this year.  You can always build on your success in 2013.

%d bloggers like this: