Secondly, even if I did make New Year’s Resolutions, I think it would be presumptuous of me to assume that you would be the slightest bit interested in what I feel like I need to improve.
Therefore, I’ve decided this post will be about what I feel like you need to improve. These are my Resolutions for the World:
- For every reality show you watch, you must exercise thirty minutes a day. If it’s Toddlers and Tiaras, you must run naked around an entire public park with a tiara on your head.
- If you participate in a reality show in any way, shape, or form (whether it be the production, the music, or even provide a single prop), you must donate a dollar to charity for every misconception you allow to appear on T.V. uncorrected. Unless you are a Kardashian. You ladies have to donate a hundred dollars per transgression.
- If you are an adult who participates in Toddlers and Tiaras, you must donate yourself to the local zoo as an attraction to be ogled for at least a month.
- You must read my blog at least once a day, or several times a day from different computers.
- Spay or neuter your cats and dogs so I don’t have to cry every time I hear Sarah McLachlan’s song from the ASPCA commercial.
- If you are a doctor, SEE YOUR PATIENTS AT THEIR SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TIME, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!
- Stop voting for politicians for stupid reasons, like “they have good hair” or “they like chicken-fried steak.” But don’t vote for Donald Trump if he decides to run. No one with that hair can ever be taken seriously at World Summits.
- Laugh at least three times a day.
- Do something stupid at least once a day so other people can laugh. (If you need help, my sister, Crash, and I can give you pointers on this one.)
- Cure cancer.
I think that about covers it. I was going to give you a handy little checklist so you could keep track of your goals, but I don’t want to spoil you. Just print this out and stick it on your fridge. And, if my list seems a little too ambitious for you, just focus on the important parts, like #4 and #10, for this year. You can always build on your success in 2013.