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I am Terror Shattering – Which I Think Translates to “People Laugh When They See Me”

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I decided to look up my Roller Derby name today.  According to Mia Psycho’s Roller Derby Name Generator, I am “Terror Shattering”.  It’s good George W. was not aware of this during his interminable term, what with his whole hostility against horror.  I might have  been drafted to be some kind of weapon of mass emotion obstruction, which I would, of course, have found morally reprehensible.  Even though, ironically, I take a pill every morning to obstruct my own emotions.  And I think I can pretty much directly trace the necessity for that back to George W.

George’s Roller Derby name, by the way, would be “Anger GimmeMore,” according to Mia Psycho.  She is amazingly accurate, that Mia.

I am not intending to join a Roller Derby team.  I just ended up watching this unique sport last night when Kanye West got a bit too intense and creepy on Saturday Night Live and I was looking for another channel to switch to that would not be too engrossing because I definitely wanted to switch back to SNL in time to see Seth Meyers do his last news report.

Looking at the online guide, it seemed that Roller Derby might fit the bill, and I arrived on the scene just in time to see some kind of penalty being assessed, and a giant wheel being spun to determine the consequence, and the ensuing pillow fight between two of the opponents, the winner of which was determined by some kind of peanut gallery of spectators who certainly seemed completely objective.

I nearly did not get back to Seth Meyers in time because I found this human behavior so sociologically absorbing that I could not peel my eyeballs from the screen or shove my chin back up to meet the rest of my skull.

I’m not really into contact sports.  Or sports.  But I have got to admit that Roller Derby is fascinating.  And not nearly as disturbing as Kanye West.  It’s a bit like Quidditch combined with football and roller-skates.  And without the flying, of course.  I’m not absolutely sure there are no broomsticks, though.  The rules seem a bit vague on that.

I only had to watch Roller Derby for two minutes and seventeen seconds to realize that this is the solution to every major conflict on this planet, and that women definitely should rule the world.

Just stick me on the rink with Aim Antagonism (Kim Jung-un) and a pillow, and I’ll have things sorted out before you can say, “Ithaca New York Suffer Jets versus the Empire Skate Troopers”.

God, I love puns.

Saving the World – One Roll at a Time

“His name is MacGyver. He can fix anything. He could fix a computer with a hairpin and a piece of duct tape.”

Dimples and Cap’n Firepants have been bonding lately over MacGyver.  I tried to watch it with them, but ended up laughing so hard at the critical moments that they kicked me out.

It could be that the background music is ridiculously corny.  Or, it could be that I can’t get Saturday Night Live’s MacGyver spoofs (MacGruber) out of my head.  Or, it could be that I just don’t like to take things very seriously.

I’ve been trying to figure out why Dimples has a sudden affinity for this television show from the 80’s – other than the fact that her dad likes it, too.  (Notice that I don’t question why her dad finds the show so fascinating; he’s a bit of a MacGyver, himself.)

When I looked up quotes from the show, I found a possible connection.  Pretty much one out of three quotes from the guy is about duct tape.

“If I had some duct tape, I could fix that.”

Dimples loves duct tape.  In case you haven’t had a chance to peruse the duct tape aisle of your local Target store lately, it has changed dramatically since the days of the silver colored hardware accessory.  It comes in a multitude of colors, including pink with white polka dots, blue plaid, leopard print, and neon colored peace signs.  Duct tape has branched out.

Why, you may ask yourself, would anyone want duct tape with neon colored peace signs?

Apparently, like MacGyver, the world has realized that duct tape has many uses.  And one of them is for crafts.

Oh yes, you would be amazed at the gifts one can make from duct tape, including: bags, pens, bows, flowers, and wallets.  Google it and you will find people who have made prom dresses and wedding dresses out of the stuff.

Dimples, our little 8-year old entrepeneur, has made a tiny side business out of making duct tape bags, such as this Halloween Trick or Treat bag:

MacGyver Might Appreciate the Skull Duct Tape - If It Wasn't Neon

We have a huge bin of duct tape in various patterns to fit any occasion.  Except fixing things.  I don’t think Cap’n Firepants really wants to use Hello Kitty duct tape to fix his lawn mower or the vacuum cleaner hose.

So, now I’m picturing MacGyver in another one of his hairy situations, saying, “If only I had a roll of duct tape.”  His current babe of the moment whips a roll of zebra striped tape out of her bra, and hands it to him.  He gratefully accepts it, turns away from the camera, and, in a matter of seconds, turns back around with this:

MacGyver's New Tool Bag

“For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up… and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.”

That’s what I want on my tombstone.

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