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Four Headings and a Funeral

Animal Insemination.

This is the one occupation I have narrowed it down to that will get respect in 20 years for the special skills that it demands which cannot be replicated by computers – or by people who have spent an hour doing research on the internet.

Saturday Night Live recently aired a skit in which the actors were from the “You Can Do Anything” generation.  As Bill Hader stated, “thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesn’t matter if you have skills, training, or years of experience: You can do it.”

We are the monster the internet has created – a world of “experts” in everything from desktop publishing to video production.  We can diagnose illnesses, compose symphonies, and whip up 5 course meals that you would find in 20 star restaurants.  We’re all great at everything.

Since it’s hard to get famous for doing something that everyone else is doing (and quite a few are actually good at), I have been reconsidering my writing aspirations.  I mean, if I want enough strangers at my funeral willing to perform a flash mob routine in my honor (since my friends and family will probably decline), then I’ve got to do something a little more noteworthy that requires a little less effort on my part to define myself as uniquely qualified.

The trick is to find something that is not so far beyond my intellect it would be impossible for me to do, yet not so easy that it has diagrams and videos posted on

I have to admit, I got the animal insemination idea after doing yet another one of my dubious Google searches.  I was looking for chicken sexer, because I had once heard of that job, and thought it might be a possible candidate for my list.  Upon further research, however, I feel confident that chicken sexing will also one day be done over the internet, using Skype, so I can’t really include that one on the list.  Unless genetic engineering precludes that, making the whole process obsolete anyway.

Animal insemination, though, would be difficult to do through a computer.

I briefly considered garbage collection, but now that our garbage collectors don’t even have to get out of the truck anymore, I have a feeling there will not be a lot of open positions.

A few other occupations that I’m on the fence about are:

Golf ball diver

This one would be impossible to do over a computer.  However, will there be anything but virtual golfing available as a sport in a few years?  Are people actually going to be getting off their tuckuses to do anything outside?  I think not.  Sorry, Mr. Golf Ball Diver.  You better start looking for another job.

Funeral Director

Well, I think the Directing of the Funeral could be done over the computer.  Heck, the whole ceremony will probably be done online by then.  I’m not really sure about the embalming process.   So, that’s a possibility.

Crime Scene Investigator

This would be difficult to do over the internet.  However, since I consider myself an expert in this already due to my addiction to C.S.I., I suspect that there are already a few other couch potatoes I would have to vie with for a position.

Crap.  I just thought of cloning.  What’s going to happen to the poor animal inseminators, then, when that hits it big?

I Change My Answer to Embalmer

After all, they’ve been around since King Tut.

I shall be the famous Embalmer.  And people will dance at my funeral, as is fitting for a world-renowned, not everyone can be good at this, Embalming Expert.

Or, I could just go into wrestling.

“The Embalmer” vs. “The Inseminator”

You’d pay for that, right?

photo credit: <a href=””>phauly</a&gt; via <a href=””>photopin</a&gt; <a href=””>cc</a&gt;
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