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In Your Face, Facebook!

I love it when scientific studies positively reinforce my choice to neglect something that is supposedly good for me.  No matter that the choice is based on laziness or stubbornness, or both, on my part.  Science. Says.  I’m right.

My sister, Crash, decided that, since I refused to resolve to do anything for the new year, she would decide what I needed to do.  Her goal for me is to join Facebook.  She informed me of this goal a couple of times, and then nagged gently prodded me by sending me an e-mail invitation to view her Facebook pictures.

If you’ve read my highly engaging and slightly entertaining post, “Don’t Hate Me Because I Don’t Like You”, then you are aware of my feelings about Facebook.  If you haven’t read that post, you are probably still aware of my feelings about Facebook, considering that: it is 2013, I am 40-something years old, my sister is trying to browbeat me into using it, and I don’t like anyone.

I was starting to crumble under the pressure.  To be honest, I’m beginning to tire of conversations that go like this :

“Hey, are you going to Selena’s baby shower?”

“What?  I didn’t know she was having a baby!”

“She isn’t.  Her daughter is.”

“Oh my God!  She has a daughter?!!!”

“You really need to check your Facebook.  By the way, are you and your husband having problems?  His latest status is ‘single’.”

Now I know that last one is not true.  Because my husband does not have a Facebook account, either.  I think.

Anyway, the point is that I was starting to feel a bit left out because people keep forgetting to tell me things in person since they figure I already know because it’s posted on their Facebook page.  I was beginning to think I will be the only one sitting in a chair with my bulldog, reading Little Women, while the rest of the nation burrows into bomb shelters – all because the End of the World got announced on Facebook instead of the Emergency Broadcast System.

And then I heard the news report.

“Facebook Makes You Fat!”

I knew it!  I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t do it.

According to the SCIENTIFIC study, Facebook makes you fat because it makes you feel “popular and happy” about your image.  More self-esteem gives you less self-control.

Ah hah!  My evil sister is trying to give me more self-esteem!

I knew she always hated me.

I introduce you to the face of my sister, Crash.  She does not have self-esteem issues.

I introduce you to the face of my sister, Crash. She does not have self-esteem issues.  And she’s not fat.  She defies scientific explanation.

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