Can You Spell S-C-R-*-@-E-D?

I’m in trouble.

My Adult Spelling Bee is only a week away, and I haven’t even started studying.

To be fair (to myself), I only found out a week ago what I was supposed to be studying.  Until then, I was a little hazy on the details of the entire program, and still wondering if I was supposed to tutor myself with a dictionary or the Kama Sutra.  I was kind of thrown by the implications of the word “Adult” in the title.

But, last week, I received an e-mail that seemed to clear that up.  Apparently, the words are going to be chosen from a novel called The Whiskey Rebels by David Liss.

The updates I’ve been getting about this Spelling Bee haven’t been completely reliable.  The first e-mail announcing the Adult Spelling Bee stated that I should “Make Reservations Now”, an act which I promptly attempted.  I was stymied, however, by the receptionist at the hosting organization, who stated that this was not necessary.

The second e-mail also strongly recommended reservations.  I called at a different time of day, hoping to talk to a different person, who might be a little bit more qualified to make such important decisions as to whether or not she should write my name down on a piece of paper.  Considering I had no idea who I had talked to the first time, I am not sure this plan succeeded.  Regardless, I was once again turned away with a pretty authoritative, “Just show up.”

Last week, I got the third e-mail.  This e-mail gave more information, but once again ended with the phone number for making reservations.  Because I was pretty certain that no one would know I was the Obsessive Compulsive Person With No Life who had called the first two times, I decided to make one more attempt.

People Are Probably Standing in Line Right Now to Reserve Their Spots

“Wow!  We just sent out that e-mail!”

“Yep.  Just arrived in my in-box.  And it says I need to reserve my space.”

“Oh.  It does?  Well, I’m not in charge of that.  But let me just take your name down and I’ll give it to the person in charge.”

“O.K.”

Silence.

Me – “Uh, do you want my name now?”

“Oh, uh sure.”

So, I spelled out my name, making sure they got the “Firepants” part of it correct (people always want to make that two words), and they, I imagine, pretended to write it down.

I swear, if I show up next Friday for this shindig, and they don’t have Mrs. Cap’n Firepants down on their list, I am going to be one unhappy Adult Speller.

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In Which I Announce that I am Not Pregnant and I Refuse to Do Porn (Probably)

I apologize.  That was kind of a low blow yesterday, teasing you with a Big Announcement on today’s post.  I think I was feeling a bit desperate when I realized how little I actually had to say.

Here’s the deal.  I have this friend who is training to do his first full marathon.  It’s a goal he has because he’s about to turn thirty.

He’s psyched about accomplishing this.  And I am sure he will.  He is Very Fit.  And I,well, I am,  uh – well, I’m not Unfit (except maybe as a mother). When was the last time you were able to run around the living room 10 times dragging a fifty pound Wonderbutt clenched like a vise onto the squeaky toy you’re holding?  So, I am Somewhat Fit.  But I just have no desire to do a marathon.

And another thing.  How is running a marathon a major achievement when you are a Very Fit P.E. teacher who is TWENTY-NINE?  Let me hear about a SIXTY-NINE year old who sits around playing World of Warcraft all day completing a marathon (the running kind), and I’ll throw a party for him.

So, then, I noticed Blue Speckled Pup has taken on a three day manuscript challenge.  Which sounds just as hard as a friggin’ marathon in my opinion.  Again, I am kind of middling qualified for this – I could do a scrapbook retreat for three days maybe.

I was really beginning to feel left out in all of this Bucket-List-milestone stuff when I got a pamphlet in the mail.   And I am pretty confident no one I know, and probably no one who has read this, can claim the following accomplishment:

Adult Spelling Bee Champion.

Yes, folks, you heard it first here.  I am going to participate in – and win – an Adult Spelling Bee.

One of our local writing organizations is sponsoring one in December.  At least I think it’s the writing organization who is sponsoring it.  It is on their calendar in their pamphlet of Fall courses.

Now that I think about it, I’m hoping it doesn’t have a Strip Club behind it.  I mean, the word “Adult” could imply something completely different than what I initially imagined.

O.K.  I’m having second thoughts.  I think I better find out a few more details before I start my training regimen.  I mean, I don’t think I’d have a problem with spelling pornographic words, but if there is some kind of performing required, I might have to reconsider.

I still have some dignity.  I mean, I’m not a skank or anything.