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Holy Sith!

I am in deep Bantha Fodder.  Take a look at this photo of my recent referrers and tell me what you see.

O.K.  Besides the Edward Hotspur kitchen sex thing.  I have no idea what that’s about.  But thanks for the reference, Hotspur.  I think.

Anyway, notice anything related to, uh, potentially powerful people who, I don’t know – Control the FORCE?

Yep.  The Temple of the Jedi Order.

Dwang!

Notice that the link says, “Have you seen this?”  If you click on the link because you are somewhat curious and big-time paranoid, like I am, then you will find this:

Oh, Bantha Fodder!  I’m not even allowed to see it!  Kunena AND THE FORCE  do not give me access to this page.  I knew I should have actually joined the order instead of just casually entertaining the idea and BLOGGING ABOUT IT!  Now, they are talking about me in a secret forum.  What are they saying?  Are they laughing at my pitiful attempt at humor?  Or are they discussing how to dispose of me?

O.K.  Allow me to explain myself, Oh Mighty Wise Jedi Temple People.  I was not making fun of you.  I actually think that your Order makes a heckuva lot more sense than the “order” into which I was baptized – the Catholic Church.  I was, if you really read my post carefully, making fun of them, not you.*

Also, I want you to know that, really, only about 5 people read my blog per day.  So, I obviously have very little impact on the world, meaning that there is no need to be concerned about the effect of my measly musings.

I think you might be better served by taking a look at Edward Hotspur’s blog,  I mean, kitchen sex must violate one of the tenets of your order.  You should really talk to that guy about his attempts to weaken the force.

I guess it could be worse.  If Voldemort finds out about my Harry Potter Nativity scene, I don’t think my wand from Ollivander’s Wand Shop in Univeral Studios is going to do me a whole lot of good.

*Illuminati, if you are reading this, please move on.  This is not the blog you are looking for.

“Do or Do Not; There is No Try”

For the last six months or so, I have been trying what I like to call the “Scattershot Approach” to creative thinking.  Hence, I started this blog and my “Control Blog”.  I have been entering contests, posting inventions on Quirky, trying to sell lesson units on Teacher Pay Teachers, and basically tossing spitwads of ideas up to the ceiling trying to see if any will stick.  I have been using my patented “Scattershot Approach” in my photograpy for about 15 years, and it has been moderately successful.  Take a billion pictures, and hopefully there will be at least one usable one in the batch.  Fortunately for my paltry retirement savings, the invention of the digital camera keeps me from spending every last dime on film in the hopes of producing one picture to throw into Dimples’ scrapbook.

So, anyway, one of the spitwads just fell on my face yesterday.

Loyal readers might remember my request a couple of months ago to help me choose which post I should enter into the Erma Bombeck Writing Contest.  The contest that is held once every TWO years.  The contest that will gladly accept your monetary contribution for ONE and only ONE entry.

After the readers voted, I had two top possibilities, “Who Do You Think Pulls the Sleigh?“, and  the “And With Also You” story. I let someone (I’m not naming names, but he is married to me) help me make the final decision.  He liked the Santa Claus story the best.  Considering the nature of the contest (named after Erma Bombeck, who usually wrote about her family), I decided he was right.

I agreed with He Who Must Not Be Named, and sent in “Who Do You Think Pulls the Sleigh?”.  So, it’s not his fault – though I may bank it to use against him at some later date.  Because I did not win.  Not first.  Not runner-up.  Nuttin’.  Out of a mere five hundred something entrants, I could not come even close to the top.  Kinda hurts.

I mentioned this to the Firepants family at dinner, and the humans of the family (and I’m pretty sure the canines had the same question based on the look on their faces – though that could also be their “what are you going to give me from the table?” look even though we never do) both immediately asked, “What won?”  Good question.  I was so bummed when I got the e-mail, I forgot to look.

After dinner, I opened the painful YOU ARE A LOSER e-mail back up, and clicked on the winner link.

Keep in mind, that my almost-sent-in-submission was called, “And With Also You”, and was about my contemplation of joining the Order of the Temple of the Jedi.  Now, take a gander at the winning story by clicking here.

Someone Up There has a really twisted sense of humor – and it ain’t Erma Bombeck.

And if you really like Star Wars related humor columns – here is someone else who won a contest that I didn’t.  I didn’t actually enter that contest, but that is beside the point.

I may have to meditate at the Temple of the Jedi to determine my next course of action. photo credit: niallkennedy via photopin cc

 

 

And With Also You

Temple of the Jedi Order

I am considering becoming a Jedi Knight.

I’ve checked out the Temple of the Jedi Order, and it appears to reflect most of my religious beliefs.  I am a little hesitant, however, in committing myself to a religious order in which none of the council members have last names, and one of them is named War Beauty.

You might ask what inspired me to consider this life-changing decision.  I can’t really pinpoint the origin, but I think there may have been several factors.

#1 – The Catholic Church changed some of the wording in the mass.  This makes it very hard for me to think about my grocery list while I am mindlessly repeating responses I’ve spoken for 40 years.  If I become a Jedi Knight, then I can say some of the cool lines I’ve memorized from the Star Wars movies instead.

#2 – While I was standing against the wall between Stations of the Cross #4 and #5 at the Christmas mass that was apparently attended by every breathing person in San Antonio, I began to question how my spirituality was being enhanced by trying not to faint as I watched a little boy in the last pew practicing his Star Trek Vulcan hand shake.

#3 – I heard a story on the radio claiming that there has been a rise in people listing Jedi Knight as their religion on censuses being taken in other countries.  Which means it’s not a trend yet in this country.  I LOVE to be a trend-setter.

#4 – The Jedi Creed happens to be a variation of the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi, who just happens to be my favorite saint.  Because he always has animals surrounding him in his statues.

#5 – They apparently have two Corporate addresses – one in the United Kingdom, and one in Texas – the state in which I happen to reside.  That can NOT be a coincidence.

#6 – I will not have to be in a mixed marriage because my husband already worships Star Wars.

#7 – It will sound so cool when I run for political office to state in my ads that “I….Am a Jedi Knight.”

I have not applied for membership, yet, as I still have a few questions.  My biggest one does not appear to have been answered on the Temple of the Jedi site, so I had to look elsewhere.  The results were less than satisfactory.  You see, one of the recent changes in the Catholic Church has been to modify the standard response to the statement, “The Lord be with you.” Formerly, the response was, “And also with you” but is now, “And with your spirit.”

I can’t get it right.  I either say the old one, very loudly and wrongly, or I say something to do with the Spirit that is far more complicated than the actual response:

“And with the Spirit of St. Louis.”

“Goin’ up to the Spirit in the Sky.  That’s where I’m gonna go when I die.”

“We’ve got Spirit.  How ‘bout you?  We’ve got Spirit, yes we do.”

My brain is apparently not equipped to remember the Vatican’s version.

So, I thought I better check the response to, “May the Force be with you.”

Apparently, this is a point of confusion for the Jedi.

So, I’m putting a hold on my membership until this little detail gets resolved.  After all, I don’t want to jump out of the frying pan into the Fires of Hell.

I Should Be Committed

Look very carefully at the above Amazon description of the Kinect Star Wars game.  I saw this last year, when I was stalking Xbox Kinect games to add to the gift that I expected to place under the tree, then almost didn’t have under the tree, then almost had too many of under the tree.

So, if you have the amazing powers of perception that all of my readers possess (I’m sorry if you had to use a magnifying glass), you may have noticed that this game is predicted to be released in December.  Of 2012.

I almost clicked on the pre-order button last November, 2010, before I realized the calendar year that was involved.  Then, I figured it had to be some sort of typo.  So, I kept checking back, periodically, to see if it had been corrected.  Well, if it is a typo, it’s been on their site for over a year.

I would like to meet the people who pre-order a game 2 YEARS IN ADVANCE!  I mean, I guess there isn’t really any sacrifice involved, but still, do you realize the kind of Commitment you are making here?

What if Wonderbutt eats your Kinect console, or your stupid HD T.V. that your husband insisted on buying you for your birthday 2 years ago even though you had never once said you wanted one, in fact declared the opposite, even when he kept saying how great they were every time you walked through Best Buy?

What if you die because you got locked in a port-a-potty for 10 days and nights and you refused to drink the skanky water, and everyone forgets to cancel your credit card, and your poor family gets a Kinect game that you ordered two years in advance in the mail, addressed to you?

What if some Idiot in Batman Underoos traveling in a pink baby walker runs over your foot and severs your nerves so you can’t play any Kinect games for the rest of your life?

O.K.  Maybe I need to put this in geek terms…

What if Luke decides to go over to the Dark Side after all because he feels so evil and guilty about all of the wet dreams he had about his own sister?  Then that Star Wars game will be just another doorstop, buddy.

Sheesh.  Don’t you People have anything better to do than stalk a game that isn’t scheduled to

come

out

for at least another-

Wait a second.

Crap.  When did I become a geek?

Shut up.

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